tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16769517156906400642024-02-06T20:40:41.862-06:00shallowfrozenwaterfaith, life, sports and whatever interests meshallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.comBlogger528125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-2042037285917428622018-08-31T20:29:00.002-05:002018-08-31T20:29:54.852-05:00to all the coaches I've known beforeToday I took your advice.<br />
<br />
I went and got my eyes checked.<br />
<br />
Yep, still 20/20 …<br />
<br />
so you must be the ones in the wrong.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-26255858066504291352016-03-29T17:16:00.002-05:002016-03-29T17:16:59.167-05:00Kathyshe was the best of us. she was the kind of person that I want to be. she was a simple soul and we were robbed of her presence. <br />
<br />
she was strong. my God, so strong. so much more strong than I will ever be but she was also so open and approachable and could make you comfortable with the fact that you were never going to know God like she ever does on her worst day. <br />
<br />
I can unashamedly say that I love her. she was that sort of a presence in my life.<br />
<br />
she was my first real connection in my church community. I was a complete outsider who knew nobody in the circle. I had no family there and essentially, she befriended me. I was uncomfortably sitting at my first common meal at Grain of Wheat. it could be argued that we were complete outsiders but at least Wendy had family who were already in the circle, I however knew nobody. Kathy befriended me. she opened the door for me at Grain of Wheat.<br />
<br />
Numerous days I have spent in her home, many times just sitting and meditating or praying there. it was always a comfortable feeling to sit there in their space and enjoy the light of their lives together. I had other occasions where I had Kathy to myself for some of the most enlightening conversations of my life. she showed her heart for people and she went to great lengths to protect her relationships and pull everyone around her to God.<br />
<br />
Kathy passed peacefully last week. she was only 57, robbed of a life that she had always enjoyed and a relationship with the world and faith that she had always honoured. I say robbed but really she was robbed of nothing, she stayed true to the end. it is we who have been robbed, robbed of having her in our lives. <br />
<br />
I heard stories of her incredible faithfulness until the end. she was so strong. she was a leader, a quiet leader who led from the middle of us as she helped each of us while we stumbled on the path. there were days when she carried me and I like to think that there were days that I helped her on the path as well.<br />
<br />
her service was held today, her interment is tomorrow. Andrew led the service and I wish I could've been there but it just wasn't possible. she is loved though, oh so loved. tears flow for our pain, our loss. <br />
<br />
she truly was the best of us. a simple soul and a bright light for me.<br />
<br />
bye my dear Kathy. I love you.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-10279601114482745852015-06-16T10:59:00.002-05:002015-06-16T10:59:21.791-05:00Wendy's words of wisdomThe only thing I'm certain about, is my uncertainty.<br />
<br />
(my wife is cool and I totally get that comment).shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-9164487809379935692015-01-07T14:29:00.003-06:002015-01-07T14:29:53.903-06:00holidaysI've been on holidays over this Christmas season visiting family.<br />
I started by flying into Toronto and staying with my elder brother for a couple days then going to see my parents and eldest brother for a couple of weeks. From there I went to see Wendy's family for about a week, then a few days at my sister's before coming back to my elder brother's as prep for flying back to Winterpeg in a few days.<br />
There were a few DELIGHTFUL surprises during my stay. My best man contacted to advise that he was in the area on business so I was able to go out for dinner with him, go for a stroll around Emmanuel Bible College where we went to school together and then meet up with him again for breakfast the next day. Essentially that diversion totalled at about 10 straight hours of visiting and catching up on our lives. It was beyond a treat and delight to try to encourage and take encouragement from one of the people who have impacted my life greatly that it's beyond words. <br />
I was also able to spend extended hours with various children in the family be they regular nieces and nephews or grandnieces and grandnephews. There were several of my brother's grandchildren that I had not even met previously it had been so long since I had spent any time with my family. I was also able to see several hockey games played by a niece or a nephew which was in itself a fun time out. I just love hockey but it kinda makes you proud to see exceptional skills coming out of pre-teen or early teen persons. It was also just fun to spend time with family. There were few pressing matters to attend to. I could just enjoy their presence and spend time.<br />
There have been some health issues that have been somewhat of a concern in my family in the recent past, health concerns that are simply related to the fact that we all age and things don't go as well as they have gone in time's past. That's a major reason why I wanted to and succeeded in spending the most time of my stay with my parents. I regularly thank God for how I was raised by my parents. They allowed me and encouraged me to dream and that was a gift that cannot be repaid except in more dreaming and encouragement. I'm thrilled that my parents now reside in the same city as my eldest brother because I know that they'll be constantly surrounded by family and growing great-grandchildren.<br />
I really appreciate how my family loves one another. Each relationship in my family is different and yet, they are all strong and they all work. I love watching the reparte and obvious love and support seen in each relationship. I'm proud of each relationship and how they'll obviously sustain themselves.<br />
I suppose that someone who may observe my stay may criticize and ask what it was that I accomplished over four solid weeks with family and I'll argue that the intangibles of hanging out with family and just ensuring that each one is told that I love them points to all of the strength of relationship that we have together. I've missed Wendy while I've been away but I've also felt like I've touched base with every major relationship that I've had during this Christmas season. <br />
For anyone that had a part in the entire exercise, I thank you and I love you.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-39347407031333168382014-06-28T16:45:00.001-05:002014-06-28T16:45:26.885-05:00that's me on the left in neon yellow<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQu1zn2BoTOMKaQ8-TupCxVii7Ujq2IFR-DWP_-eSeQ96rWKcymA9dnNtMP7O30kQzLLVSfZNlkYBFZVVBV_YeE-JBub3lzBg7RX_hUxEmwkOAEUJqERxzup3k1H59nKQAij6EnmWrXo8M/s1600/CAM00032.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQu1zn2BoTOMKaQ8-TupCxVii7Ujq2IFR-DWP_-eSeQ96rWKcymA9dnNtMP7O30kQzLLVSfZNlkYBFZVVBV_YeE-JBub3lzBg7RX_hUxEmwkOAEUJqERxzup3k1H59nKQAij6EnmWrXo8M/s320/CAM00032.jpg" /></a><br />
<br />
thanks to buddy Bob for the picshallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-48853596837484241572014-06-26T09:56:00.000-05:002014-06-26T09:56:39.094-05:00worst ejection everI umpire amateur baseball and I was working the dish at a game for 17 yr old's the other night. The game was going really well and was tied in the 6th (it's only a 7 inning game) when a lefthander for the Sox attempts a pickoff at 1st. My partner would have the primary call on the balk/no balk view and he saw nothing to indicate that there was any problem with the move. We have an instant rundown and the 1b promptly throws him out trying to go into 2nd. The 1st base coach then goes to my partner to argue that he broke the plain with his leg and therefore balked and he's out there demonstrating to my partner what the guy had allegedly done. Normally just the demonstration itself is enough to get my trigger finger itching since I wouldn't want any coach out there putting on a show in an attempt to show me up but my partner didn't react to his histrionics. The coach wanted him to go ask me for some help, which he isn't obliged to do in the least since it's his primary call and he doesn't need to seek help on it. Now when your partner comes to you to ask for help in any situation your only job is to answer whatever question is asked of you, you don't elaborate or give opinion, just answer the question. My partner comes to me and asks "Did you see a balk?" to which I simply answer "no" and we each return to our positions. Once coach hears that he isn't going to get a balk and he's going to be getting an out he starts to come unhinged. His first mistake was to call my partner "pathetic". He didn't call the play pathetic nor did he call the decision pathetic, he called my partner pathetic and that's a huge difference since he's now made it personal. Just like that, my partner coolly and succinctly dumps coach from the game. As coach is leaving the field he's still bellowing about how my partner is pathetic and then he looks at me and says "and you're not much better". All I could think was "what did I do?" but whatever he's leaving so it should settle now right? Not so fast. Coach left the field and stood right beside his dugout outside the fence. I wait one pitch and then turn around to address the coach and say, "You can't stay there coach, leave the park." Coach insists "I have left the park" and all of a sudden we're into a grade 3 "no you didn't/yes you did" argument. Eventually I say "No you didn't Sir, now leave the park PLEASE" and I think a note of civility made him realize that he should probably go stand somewhere else so he heads down the 3rd base line and stands with his arms folded outside the left field fence to watch the rest of the game. As he's walking however he needs to get a few more cents in so he's yelling about how we owe the league reimbursement for our game fees because of how bad we are. I personally didn't much care what his comments were at that stage, I just wanted him to go so that hopefully the game could settle.<br />
The game did not settle.<br />
In a tie game in the 8th (so we're already into extra innings) the starting pitcher for the A's (now playing 2b) complains that a strike call on him was too low and I hadn't called that all game. I pretty much brushed the comment off by saying actually I have called that there tonight. The guy swings at an obviously low pitch on the next pitch and pops out to 2b. After the play I can still hear him complaining to his team about "he hasn't been there tonight, right?". In the bottom of the 8th the A's catcher complains to me that I didn't give him a strike call on a pitch that I thought was high. I try to keep a good relationship with a catcher because he's your only protection back there and if he ever wanted to get retribution he could pull a glove and you'd end up taking an 80 mph fastball to the head. Something like that would definitely get a catcher ejected and likely suspended but I'd still have to endure a fastball to the head, so be nice to your catcher. Anyway, I did my best to explain to the catcher that I had thought that pitch was high. In the meantime however I had his pitcher flapping his arms at me like he's trying to take off and giving me the WTF attitude. Pitchers don't need to be coddled although they too can be dangerous if they want to hurt you. We managed to get through the 8th and 9th with the score still tied and nobody else required to watch the remainder of the game from the parking lot.<br />
And then the other shoe dropped.<br />
During the inning break after the 9th while the Sox warmed up for the 10th the A's only remaining coach came out to talk to me on the 3rd baseline. There are things that you cannot say to an umpire and the most hard and fast rule in umpiring is that you cannot argue a strike zone, arguing balls and strikes gets you turfed faster than Billy Hamilton going from 1st to 3rd. Anyway, the first thing out of coach's mouth is "So what happened to your strike zone? You were calling it here and now you're not calling it here." I don't want to stir things up, I don't want for any more grief in this game so I simply say to the coach, "Coach you need to go back to your bench" and I keep repeating that while he kept meandering on the same topic. The coach kept talking about it but had taken a couple of steps from me when he dropped his first F-bomb in the conversation and that's something that I just won't ignore. You can swear around me if it can't be heard elsewhere but you don't swear to or about me in the course of trying to make your point. I won't let you disrespect me because you want to enforce your will on a moment. So, I dumped him and coach not only went over the line but the line was a dot on the horizon from where he ended up.<br />
Coach took three steps toward me, got right in my face and purposefully bumped me. I was so surprised that I actually said, "Did you just bump me?" Coach didn't stop there though, he bumped me another 2 times and responded to my question with a "I'm going to hit you." It got to the point that I simply needed to raise my voice a little and be more directive with a simple "GO!" and a point off the field. Coach refused to leave at first before realizing that it'd be in his best interest to limit the issue as much as possible and leave the field.<br />
At this point we had to decide if the game could continue since both of the A's coaches had been ejected from the game. We didn't know of a reason why not until actually one of the coaches from the Sox contacted the league's Senior Umpire who advised me on the phone that the game could not continue if all of the certified coaches for a team had been removed from the game. So the game officially ends as a forfeit since an end result was never officially determined.<br />
The story doesn't end there however. I left the field and I was standing behind the backstop chatting with the umpire going on the field for the next game and waiting for my partner to join me when the first ejected coach came up to me, threw a quarter in my direction and said, "here, that's all you're worth". I said as he walked away, "that's classy coach".<br />
One of the pains from a situation like this is all the paperwork involved. I had to fill out 3 reports from this incident alone, an ejection report and 2 umpire abuse reports. I'm assuming that each coach will get a suspension from the league although that's not my decision. The general reaction when I've told this story is one of "what has the world come to when people behave like this over a game?", and that continues to be my own general reaction.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-33880140610760663552014-05-05T09:47:00.002-05:002014-05-05T09:47:50.430-05:00Be thou my visionone of my fave songs of all time played by one of the most fantastic guitar players I've ever listened to. the song doesn't really begin until 3 minutes in and there is a control freak thing that Roby gets on about no clapping for his songs but it's all an amazing piece that makes me want to learn it myself. just watch how the man plays that tune, that's all him. very cool.<br />
enjoy. I know I always have.<br />
<br />
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Ob1VoPrPsMQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br />
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<br />
to me this is one of those hymns that needs to be pulled away from the rigidity of normal time signatures and Roby has a real blues lilt that works for me on many levels. the lyrics are such that they just speak to me like few other hymns from the existentialist/modern (as opposed to post-modern) era get to me. I know that I've gotten my labels wrong while trying to explain eras wrong but that was the best way that I could describe my thinking there.<br />
<br />
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;<br />
Naught be all else to me, save that thou art;<br />
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,<br />
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light.<br />
<br />
Be thou my Wisdom, and thou my true Word;<br />
I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord;<br />
Thou my great Father, and I thy true son,<br />
Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one.<br />
<br />
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise;<br />
Thou mine inheritance, now and always;<br />
Thou and thou only, first in my heart,<br />
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art.<br />
<br />
High King of heaven, my victory won,<br />
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun!<br />
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,<br />
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-40373623505453872014-04-22T12:58:00.003-05:002014-04-22T12:58:50.572-05:00spring issueschecking in. <br />
it's been over 2 months since I wrote anything here and I just had to make some sort of a comment on my situation. <br />
I commuted to work on my bike today. first time this year. as Easter came and went the weather was mild so that the 4 foot snowbank in the front yard shrunk down to 6 inches of dirty snow and ice over the course of a 4 day long weekend for me. I had the day off yesterday as part of Easter so one of my assignments for the day was to take both bikes up to the gas station and make sure that the tires have the correct PSI in them to take us into spring. it was nice to be out yesterday but the thrill of the morning commute to work was a nice topping to a mild with a slight bite 1 degree morning.<br />
Easter morning service was nice. I like Easter morning. There's a traditional dance that a few select members of the community do to "Was it a morning like this?" on Easter morning and every year I like watching it get performed. I suppose I enjoy it a lot because I don't have to do it. Dancing as art is beautiful but I just don't have the skills or experience to pull it off. I've never been asked to perform it and actually I don't see a scenario where I'd say yes to that question. It's one of the things that my church community does that I just have no interest in doing myself. I enjoy watching it a lot but I don't want to do it myself. There's just a vulnerability there that I'm not comfortable with on top of the complete anxiety of having to be in the limelight like that. <br />
anyway, this year they decided to do something different with the Easter dance. no one "performed" it, it was done as a group dance activity. I thought at the time that it must've been because nobody volunteered to do the dance this year but Wendy's perspective was actually that for a lot of years some people have been requesting more opportunities for communal dance for the community as a whole. I didn't ... couldn't participate in the communal dance ... and in all honesty I thought the exercise was a flop. I wonder if my perspective that the dance was a flop is just a reflection of not wanting to be a part of the dance and unwillingness to enter the spotlight to ensure that our rituals remained the same. I wasn't asked to perform the dance but I would've said no anyway. I didn't join in on the communal dance but I've never really dealt with my own uncomfortable feelings over issues like that in my community. I don't believe that I'm responsible for my own feelings that the ritual failed but I also didn't invest in the ritual outside of the investment of spectator. I never have invested in that area outside of the investment of spectator. I'm not saying that I'm willing to do the dance myself in the future, I'm just not there. All that I'm saying is that I missed how it used to be done. I enjoyed how it used to be done immensely. I have to come to grips with it all.<br />
non-involvement is going to mean that I have no say whatsoever in how things turn out. on one level I freely admit that i'm not in a place where I should make decisions for the group since i'm having a hard time keeping my own crap together but that also carries the price that things may not be as I want them to be. I don't have the capacity to invest more right now though.<br />
I think I should just sit with this for awhile.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-47629206119375738232014-02-11T12:50:00.000-06:002014-02-11T12:50:11.352-06:00No, not out of the wildernessI've had an anxiety disorder for all of my adult life. <br />
I had thought I was ok around my birthday in the beginning of December but then as I looked back at the things that I wrote in that time period I realized that I was not ok and I was indeed struggling. I remember saying to my church community that I was hoping that I was coming out of my wilderness experience ... I hadn't come out yet. I'm not sure that I'm out of my wilderness even now, 2 months later.<br />
I started my Christmas holidays on December 24th but by that time I had not slept well in some time and I was racked in anxiety. I had attended worship the Sunday before Christmas and had felt completely disheartened with wondering what the entire point of faith was. I had moped my way to prayers, more out of desperation for some sort of answer as opposed to some great amount of faith that God was there to answer my many questions. I cried because I didn't have the capacity to cope. My entire Christmas vacation was mostly 2 weeks of drowning in a morass of anxiety. Despite that Wendy was wonderful to me. We talked about my anxieties and she offered comfort where she could. I saw my naturopath for acupuncture 4 or 5 times to try and stabilize my mood and I went to the doctor at least 3 times in the 6 weeks that came after Christmas. Acupuncture helped to stabilize my mood a good deal and I had several conversations with medical professionals about how I could be doing my care better.<br />
I couldn't sleep. That was an ordeal for me because I've always been a fantastic sleeper. When I'm on my game I can be asleep within minutes, dare I say seconds, so to lay in bed for hours with a racing mind drove me around the bend a few more times. I'm still not sleeping well but at least it isn't the complete train wreck that it was last month. Last week the simple stressor of changing my caseload around was enough to give me a sleepless night and a sick day the next day. I've always considered myself really adaptable and accommodating but I've been floored of late just how much a little stressor irritates me.<br />
I'd try to do some things to be active but it was also right in the middle of the most brutal cold snap that I recall in my decade and a half in Winnipeg. Most of my activity over the actual Christmas season was the several times (sometimes several times a day) that I was required to shovel out our walkways and driveway. A trip out to go grocery shopping nearly threw me into a full bore panic attack. It didn't help that I was also dealing with some fasciitis pain in my left foot which meant that I'd need to take things easy if I wanted to do anything terribly taxing, like walking or standing.<br />
It even seemed like some of the things that I volunteer for were extra burdensome so that I seriously considered quitting most of my extra-curricular stuff.<br />
No I'm not out of the wilderness.<br />
I've only had 5 cups of caffeinated coffee since Christmas and I miss it terribly. I get tired of herbal tea even though it has obviously helped me to settle a good deal. Several times I've considered that I need to return to things that give me more peace, like playing the guitar but instead I try to fill my time with useless time-fillers like watching an old movie that I've actually already seen. I do enjoy watching old movies so I suppose it's ok for my soul if I'm getting comfort out of that. It's the useless time-fillers that I object to.<br />
As we speed our way toward Valentine's Day, Wendy's birthday right on it's heels and another stay-cation at home, I begin to stress a little about the things of life. I've noticed on the horizon a cramp in my neck that I sometimes get when I'm stressed and I think, really? More?<br />
I really do question why it is that such things happen to people. My neighbour is struggling with cancer so that he's tired all the time and he doesn't enjoy the things that he's always enjoyed. He told me this morning that the best part of his day is his daybreak prayer walk along the river's edge. I asked him to remember me on his prayer walk, because I need it and I still believe in the effective prayers of a good man. If it brings peace to either of us then it'll be well worth it. <br />
I still haven't caught up on my phone messages at work from the sick day I took last week. I just work my way through answering 10 messages when it seems like there are 15 more waiting for me on my phone. The work doesn't stop because I need to take a deep breath and find a better way to cope.<br />
I'm still here though. Still fighting my way along my path. The path is in the wilderness I suppose but I'm also not alone. I have friends who love me. Thankfully so.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-63683356945281361902013-12-20T14:33:00.003-06:002013-12-20T14:33:43.108-06:00the holiday season is hard for a lot of folks ... for a lot better reasons than minei find the holiday season difficult. i didn't always but i do now. it's hard to see people struggle like i have and it's just as hard that i don't see much joy in the season itself either. i loved Christmas growing up, truly loved it. we never did have much and i don't actually remember ever being "rocked" by whatever amazing gift i received or gave. it was still a fun time of year though. maybe it was the idea that i didnt have to be in school for a period of time and i could go play street hockey. maybe it was that i could go skate and play tag in the frozen ditch where saplings had grown amongst frozen water that had collected there over a long and wet autumn. we'd chase one another amongst frozen trees in some deserted and undeveloped subdivision near our house. i remember it as a completely genuine and hilarious experience. <br />
i did love the holiday season though. somewhere there is still a germination of that feeling. <br />
i find "get-togethers" difficult nowadays though, or rather get-togethers that require me to help host or prepare for the hosting of it. i freeze up and find it hard to know what i should be doing in order to prepare for the party.<br />
<br />
it might be the expectation of it all.<br />
it might be the thought that if it all doesnt come off like it should then i'll be standing there with egg on my face.<br />
there was one Halloween where my sister's friend invited my sister and me over to her house for a party. we actually got dressed in costumes where my sister and i tried to coordinate ourselves, we showed up as Raggedy Ann and Andy. we were set up pretty well by my recollection. i remember being dropped off for the party and running up to the door (somewhat self-consciously) with my sister in preparation for a fun celebration. the mother of the house answered the door and looked at us with a puzzled look since she knew nothing of what we were talking about. <br />
i can't tell you what happened after that. i honestly don't remember a single thing about the incident. we may've called for our parents to come pick us up again and take us home. i may've walked home (although i doubt that i did that all decked out as Raggedy Andy). we may've continued to hang out at the friend's place after something like that. i can't believe that i don't remember a single thing that happened after that. the incident was either completely uneventful or i guess i repressed whatever embarrassment i endured after that.<br />
<br />
Wendy and i hosted our seed group for a Christmas potluck last week. i didn't find the prep work for the party to be an easy experience for me. Wendy actually gave me no chore to do that was difficult or anything that i had not done as part of any regular cleaning of our home on any given day ... and yet i was anxious, grumpy and near an anxiety attack. once the work was done i sat in our dining room and tried to think of why it is that i find such things hard to do.<br />
it's a stupid story. i was embarrassed in an incident as a child. i do wonder if it has prevented me from putting myself "out there" over the years since. i attend and take part in parties, and for the most part i enjoy them ... if i don't have to stand in the limelight.<br />
i still enjoy the holiday season. i also find it difficult. i suppose i don't put myself on the line much anymore, not like i would've as a preteen. i'm less creative than perhaps i could've/should've been over the years. <br />
is it just about wanting to avoid embarrassment? maybe it is. i can't discount that idea. it has been a sticking point in my life though. maybe its just an example of something stupid that happened to some kid. having said that though it's certainly not a hurdle that cannot be cleared. feeling the fear of a situation and doing it anyway is still a viable approach to dealing with anxiety situations. i've seen that work in my own life. <br />
i'm still not at all sure that i want to be the center of attention or the one responsible for seeing a major task to completion however.<br />
maybe i'm just trying to process my own way through some of my own anxieties. maybe i'm just looking for excuses to cover for my own foibles. <br />
<br />
ah, the joys of repression.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-84548617088058057862013-12-05T15:03:00.001-06:002013-12-05T15:03:41.321-06:00birthday addendumWendy suggested i buy some vanilla ice cream on my way home from work so i did that and came home to a kickass supper of chili cheese fries and the most amazing sort of cherry crumble i've had in forever. we hunkered down to watch a movie and to hang out. overall it was a wonderful evening for which i'm very grateful. she had gotten my an amazing Maple Leafs hoodie which she came out modelling herself. i almost insisted that she keep it on because she looked wonderful in it but it would've been much to warm an experience for her to spend too much time wearing it.<br />
i shared with her a little of my struggle that day and she understood me.<br />
i love you dear.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-72104030261204229872013-12-02T14:36:00.002-06:002013-12-02T14:36:12.583-06:00wishes and regrets today is my 47th birthday.<br />
i'm struggling today actually. struggling with my "issues". i have an anxiety disorder and it could just be that my struggle is over a little "undigested potato" as a MUCH better writer once phrased it. i do wonder if too much sugar and caffeine really does affect my sleep at night or whether my soul just comes out from its shell and points to regret and pain that the rest of me has ignored.<br />
Wendy gave me a huge smile and a hearty wish this morning and that is no small task at 7am when you have no real desire to be awake to the world in the first place. she has class today though (she's the lab instructor) and she said that she wanted to be present for whatever reason and was a bit concerned about getting ready to be there on time. <br />
i woke at 1am with a horrible forboding, lost in my own anxiety.<br />
it is completely impossible to see the goodness of life in those moments. i have felt completely alone and unloved. i cannot find God and my heart is completely unsure that i'll ever be able to know him again. much of my spiritual journey of late is anchored in community, in the church and not in my search for God. when i see God i see him in those around me but i have wanted more.<br />
i am no longer convinced that God is faithfully involved in lives. that doesn't affect my own efforts to involve myself in serving others but it gets to the point that i used to do such things in my search for closer unity with God while now the argument can be made that we do such things because we are simply good. i do good things because i'm a good man. i have my flaws, they're more like significant chasms in which once can get lost for life actually. don't go thinking that i'm a "works" guy though, i know fully that there's nothing in this chest that is really all that good in the first place.<br />
a friend in my church community, a Jeremiah archetype, spoke to me yesterday of sorrow and mourning and it's place in our lives. he and i have both known our own wilderness experiences so when he speaks on this topic i tend to listen more intently. on some level i relate although my struggle is not his. he could certainly accuse God of being unfaithful to him but i have never heard him say those words. he has known loss and he has sat in the dark amidst his own sorrow and tears for far too long. i don't really want to relate to that. i would much rather say, enough pain already when do i get to see some light?<br />
don't get me wrong. there is abundant goodness in my life. i am truly blessed in that i have luxury galore and a secure life. it certainly seems like the height of presumption to ask for the absence of pain on top of all the grace i have seen in my 47 years. when i am stuck in my own anxiety however, i can see none of that. <br />
i tried to express some of that at worship yesterday. i spoke of Joshua crossing the Jordan and how i wished to take the stones around me to mark my spot as i came to another marking point in my lifetime. i chose as my song to sing in celebration of another birthday "Here by the Water" because the words of it resonated with me. i hoped to suggest that i was coming out of my own wilderness experience just as Joshua did. <br />
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Here by the water, I'll build an altar to praise you, out of the stones that I find here. I'll set them down here, rough as they are, knowing you can make them holy.<br />
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and yet, my perspective is more about the fact that i have survived my wilderness this far and i hope that i have indeed come out on the other end of it. i don't know that i have come out on the other end though, and that may be where my anxiety lies. i've got to think that my experience is vastly different than Joshua's since the focus of his prayer is in thankfulness for the faithfulness of God ... and my heart yearns to be consoled and to know that experience. i know that God is faithful, i just don't KNOW it right now. <br />
i'm certainly not promised an easy ride, and i also have not experienced one.<br />
so i still feel a bit lost in the dark. my experience with my community as i tried to express some of these thoughts has been one of overflowing love and support. those who have known me best expressed their love for me as they recognize my struggle. they have missed me as i wallowed in my own resentment and bitterness and they have told me so whenever they got the chance. <br />
i have missed my community, and i also have not missed them. the introverted me prefers to be left alone to sort and to try and address my own things in my own manner but the community me wishes to contact, to be together, to play and laugh and wrap my arms around those closest to me and tell them of my deep affection for all that they are to me. i suppose i'm just looking for someone to love me. i'm always looking for that. it's a neediness that embarrasses me but is also very much necessary for my own ongoing growth. <br />
i do know that you love me though. i do know that. i suppose on some level i'm talking to God there. i'll struggle on.<br />
peace to you my friends. peace to me too.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-72509674733487608752013-11-19T14:18:00.001-06:002013-11-19T14:18:44.394-06:00purpose in life does not equal achievementi've struggled for some time now trying to determine what place (if any) there is in my life for ambitious behaviour. on one hand it speaks to growth, a desire to improve my situation and to share my own gifts in my own circles but on the other hand it could also upset the apple cart if you're basically content (like me) with how things are. <br />
this struggle is seen almost exclusively in my vocational life right now. it comes from a belief that i could do well if i moved up the ladder and on some level a belief that i deserve something like that. it also has some significant drawbacks though. a change of job description would mean that i'm not working with the people groups that i'm presently working with. essentially i'd go from a place where i feel like i'm helping the poor toward getting past their barriers and onward to a better life (hopefully) just so i could become the guy helping the folks who are helping the poor. it'd mean that i'd become a manager advising the rich on how better to manage helping the poor.<br />
don't get me wrong, i fully believe that i'd be very good as a manager and i do have some expertise that i can impart to people so they can be more effective. i already know however that i'm good at what i do and i already know the level of fulfillment that i experience in the chair that i'm sitting in.<br />
my seed group in my church community is fully involved in a study of Voluntary Simplicity. Wendy had what i thought was a great thought when we started into this seed group saying "since our lives are so full of involuntary complexity it'd be nice to have a little voluntary simplicity". i chuckled when she said it because it couldn't be more true for us. our life together is full of all sorts of tasks, rules, complexities and safeguards so that regularly i just want to be a hermit and run off to find a little personal order. anyway, voluntary simplicity tries to speak to a counter-cultural approach to living our lives together on this earth. it centers on values (hopefully our own values) that say that it isn't necessary to acquire everything in our search for belonging, for community, for life. the moments where you have felt the most connection to the world around you most likely had to do with your relationships or with the natural world around you anyway and nothing to do with acquiring whatever it is that you wanted to acquire. it speaks to a desire to purge our lives of the unnecessary, to live more simply and to share our meager but most prized possessions, our lives themselves.<br />
i was sitting in seed group a couple of weeks ago when someone pulled out a quote from the book we're trying to walk through together as part of our study. the quote said ... <br />
<br />
Purpose in life does not equal achievement.<br />
<br />
it stopped me short. <br />
there's probably a decent chance that i'm taking the author out of context but i immediately made a little tangent to my own struggle to determine what place ambition has in my life.<br />
achievement although wonderful in its own right, is fleeting. you are forgotten just as soon as the next person with the next achievement comes along. purpose in life is a different goal however. it doesn't mean that purpose in life cannot be found in achievement but at least for me achievement needs to include purpose in life, otherwise what am i really doing with that? a raise in salary is always helpful but i really do think that some people undervalue how important it is to be happy in the work that we do.<br />
i'll likely still keep trying to move up the ladder, but i'm also going to be careful. the relationships to those around me and the world around me really do help to determine my own purpose in life and i won't just discount that because i want a little more recognition.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-15346915695682247372013-11-06T12:29:00.004-06:002013-11-06T12:29:54.803-06:00thinking of youa dear, dear friend is in the hospital fighting what may be the toughest medical battle of her life. i don't know what to say other than "i love you" and i don't know what to do other than to think and pray for her during this tough time.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-23022899121495113842013-10-24T14:17:00.004-05:002013-10-24T14:17:44.504-05:00the bigger mana man apologized to me today. he said that he had been just sick about the "incident" between us and i did my best to forgive him. in truth i had already forgiven him in my heart but i had needed to speak with him to process our dispute formally. there would be no real processing though because we had each regretted that our encounter had ended the way that it did.<br />
a man looked me flat in the face today and respectfully, thoughtfully, honestly proved how big a man he is. his vulnerability and respect for relationships impressed me. how seriously he takes the modelling of an example for young people will keep me impressed no end.<br />
this is a true human. he deserves my respect and he has it. he's the bigger man.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-71676737756611464692013-10-02T13:10:00.000-05:002013-10-02T13:10:05.243-05:00Orphans of Godi will rise from my bed<br />
with a question again<br />
as i work to inherit the restless wind<br />
the view from my window <br />
is cold and obscene<br />
i want to touch what my eyes have not seen<br />
<br />
but they packaged our virtue<br />
in cellulose dreams<br />
and sold us the remnants til our pockets are clean<br />
til our hopes fall 'round our feet<br />
like the dust of dead leaves<br />
and we end up looking like what we believe<br />
<br />
we are soot covered urchins <br />
running wild and unshod<br />
we will always be remembered as the Orphans of God<br />
they will dig up these ruins<br />
make flutes of our bones<br />
and blow a hymn to the memory of the Orphans of God<br />
<br />
like bees in a bottle<br />
we're flying at faith<br />
beating our wings against the walls of this place<br />
unaware that the struggle<br />
is the blood of the proof<br />
in choosing to believe the unbelievable truth<br />
<br />
they have captured our siblings<br />
they have rendered them mute<br />
disputed our lineage and poisoned our roots<br />
we have bones from the broken <br />
who have broken their oaths<br />
and we're out on the street with a lump in our throats<br />
<br />
we are soot covered urchins<br />
running wild and unshod <br />
we will always be remembered as the Orphans of God<br />
they will dig up these ruins <br />
make flutes of our bones<br />
and blow a hymn to the memory of the Orphans of God<br />
<br />
a hymn to the memory of the Orphans of God<br />
<br />
- Mark Heardshallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-51301961981013784802013-07-12T10:23:00.003-05:002013-07-12T10:23:46.160-05:0050 years of Doctor Who<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-65812327205311973692013-07-03T10:40:00.002-05:002013-07-03T12:05:16.448-05:00mourn with those who mourn<br />
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shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-77928146665330514312013-06-28T08:58:00.001-05:002013-06-28T08:58:34.492-05:00one more time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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variations on a theme i think but i woke up with this song in my head this morning. in a world where disadvantaged are asking for some help i'd like to challenge to go a little deeper.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-39236220692509147372013-06-17T12:51:00.002-05:002013-06-17T12:51:35.952-05:00starlings<br />
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one of the things i think about</div>
shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-1250966391515608582013-06-13T12:16:00.002-05:002013-06-13T12:16:20.571-05:00on the sticks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiBr1pQHKammpMCyw7IEZnWbqOnVgxK6vZd9vuxfCJj0SOvnYYSGZh0DfaoiwiYUKJkiySei6rpxz3oV45WIvOBH8_odU-48tNqtILIY4BarTvn4fwWAF2bZ4ePgm6SVrEEofcqQQoItKF/s1600/Investor's+Group+Field.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" cya="true" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiBr1pQHKammpMCyw7IEZnWbqOnVgxK6vZd9vuxfCJj0SOvnYYSGZh0DfaoiwiYUKJkiySei6rpxz3oV45WIvOBH8_odU-48tNqtILIY4BarTvn4fwWAF2bZ4ePgm6SVrEEofcqQQoItKF/s320/Investor's+Group+Field.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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last night was my first game manning the sticks at a CFL game. it was VERY cool. the field is awesome, they've made 30,000 seats look really cozy and the setup is such that the place is just rocking in terms of noise level all game long. <br />
if you look carefully at about 830 in this pic you can see a couple orange markers along the sidelines, i'm holding one of those markers. can you see me? i'm waving at you right now. really, look again. ok so maybe i'm not waving but i'm there.<br />
traffic was brutal and that's pretty much most of the news from this event. seating for 30,000 and assigned parking for about 6000. thankfully as a support official i get a parking pass, i can't imagine how long it would've taken me to get to the game if i didn't have a parking pass available to me. as it was it took me 10 minutes to walk from my lot to the bowels of the stadium where i was supposed to go, not counting the time it took while i got lost looking for the right room. still, i made it and thankfully the Head Linesman only mocked me a little for the fact that he got saddled with a rookie for the first game in the stadium.<br />
very cool night. i didnt get to sleep until midnight i was running around so much.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-29116235911197922532013-05-29T09:55:00.001-05:002013-05-29T09:55:06.728-05:00king and lionheart<br />
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sure hope this works, it's been a long time since i've figured out how to do thisshallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-43715045138509698262013-05-15T08:43:00.002-05:002013-05-15T08:43:44.803-05:00prayerit is during the anxious times of waiting to see if i will get what i want that i find i pray the most. that's not how i want to be though. i don't want to treat God like a magic genie who's job it is to provide me with my 3 wishes, the first of which would be to have unlimited wishes. prayer should be about the search for balance on my daily journey and the ability to adapt to the changing circumstances that come my way. sometimes i'm pleased to say that i live in that balance and i commune with God and all around me but there are other days where i live in the anxiety of what could be and what i would like to be.<br />
i interviewed for a supervisor's position yesterday. there are 2 positions available and the Ian who's interested in growth would very much like to take on the challenge of one of those positions. i really do believe that i'm the right choice and i want those in authority to recognize it also. at the same time however, there are many folks who could/would be good choices.<br />
oh to live in contentedness. actually, i do live in contentedness. i'm happy where i am but i also want to see growth in this plant that is earthed in fertile ground with a temperate climate and a caregiver who wants good things for me.<br />
no more magic genie stuff though. give me balance God.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-29769646720216697202013-05-13T12:44:00.002-05:002013-05-13T12:44:41.756-05:00updatesit looks like i haven't written here in 5 months. don't take it personally, i've been really busy and life is stressful on a regular basis. <br />
we're renovating, i'm applying for a supervisor's job and Wendy and i don't always work well together when something needs to get done because i think we both like to run the show. i'm the more laid-back one but i think i find it hard to take direction from one i love. i really must work on that.<br />
our renovations will include a complete revamping of half of the house and an addition on the back. i'll remain living at the house while the work goes on too. it looks like i'll never be able to retire and i sure hope our contractors 2 children appreciate the fact that essentially i'll be putting them through college paying off this bill. the work is a necessity however. it is a hope that we can create an environment that is more Wendy-friendly that includes much less of the materials that Wendy reacts to with her sensitivities and creates an oasis where she can survive.<br />
i have an interview for a supervisor's position tomorrow. it has been a bit of an adventure for me to try to figure out the place of ambition in my life. i'm happy in my work, i'm good at my work and i worry that if i seek to change my situation i might upset the apple cart as it were. growth is a good thing though and that's why i'm working on it. part of me trusts that i'll be led where i need to go and part of me just says it isn't about being led at all and whatever would be is a good place to be. a statement like that would've boggled the Ian of 20 years ago since he really held to the idea of the grand scheme of things and God leading us by the hand. the Ian of today probably accepts that God wants good things for his children and is more concerned with just how open i am to the twists and turns of life. i think its more about sensitivity to the things around you then it is a concern about staying where God you to be. God can use us wherever we are so concentrate on things that give fulfillment, on places that give you life. screw the "rules", God is bigger than the rules. ok, sermon over.<br />
baseball season has started up for me so that means i'm heading into the busiest time of the year. not exactly great timing in light of all the other stresses in my life. adapt or die though. it's a good thing that i have a really good support structure and decent coping mechanisms in place.shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1676951715690640064.post-37104102295505600102012-12-13T11:49:00.000-06:002012-12-13T11:59:31.483-06:00give it away<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3y1FZ3gQvc&feature=share&list=PL3A7840C43D14D891">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3y1FZ3gQvc&feature=share&list=PL3A7840C43D14D891</a><br />
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Slid out of my dreams like a baby out of the nurse's hands<br />Onto the hard floor of day<br />I'd been wearing OJ's gloves and I couldn't get them off<br />It was too early but I couldn't sleep<br />Showered and dressed, stepped out into the heat<br />The parrot things on the porch next door<br />Announced my arrival on Chartres Street<br />With their finest rendition of squealing brakes <br />Down in Kaldi's caf the newspaper headlines promised new revelations<br />Concerning Prince Charles' Amex account<br />A morose young man in old-tim Austrian drag<br />Stares past his long mustache at the ground<br />And last night's punks and fetish kids<br />All tattoos and metal bits<br />And in the other corner (wearing the white trunks)<br />Today's tourists already sweating </div>
<div>
<br />Deep in the city of the saints and fools<br />Pearls before pigs and dung become jewels<br />I sit down with tigers, I sit down with lambs<br />None of them know who exactly I am <br />I've got this thing in my heart<br />I must give you today<br />It only lives when you<br />Give it away</div>
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<br />Languid mandalla of the ceiling fan<br />Teases the air like a slow stroking hand<br />Study the faces, study the cards<br />Study the shadow creeping over the yard </div>
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<br />I've got this thing in my heart<br />I must give you today<br />It only lives when you<br />Give it away</div>
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<br />Trouble with the nations, trouble with relations<br />Where you going to go to find illumination?<br />Too much to carry, too much to let go<br />Time goes fast - learning goes slow </div>
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<br />But I've got this thing in my heart<br />I must give you today<br />It only lives when you<br />Give it away</div>
<br />shallowfrozenwaterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16929302765265013464noreply@blogger.com0