shallowfrozenwater

Winter Song

2012-01-19T13:39:00.003-06:00

this is the 3rd winter in a row that i've been drawn to this song. i think of Wendy everytime i hear it.

Tebowie

2012-01-16T12:00:00.003-06:00

gotta love Jimmy Fallon mashing up David Bowie with Tim Tebow. man am i ever tired of everyone Tebow-ing

via 22 words

time between OCD attacks

2012-01-13T12:52:00.004-06:00

i couldn't resist this

h/t 22 words

love this

2012-01-13T09:57:00.002-06:00

h/t to Of course I could be wrong ...

things heard during worship

2012-01-09T12:06:00.004-06:00

Isaiah 60:1

"Arise, shine for your light has come"

i have had a fascination with this verse since i was a teen. i have probably taken it out of context for most of those years because i have used it as a way to motivate myself to be more of what i am. nevertheless i do find it motivating to be compassionate and helpful. it really is an encouragement that we can be more because Jesus has come to us and we really do have a bright light at our disposal. when i lose hope i have to remember that there is hope out there somewhere and i can use that hope to arise and shine.

Kyle

2012-01-07T20:07:00.001-06:00

*** my church community's members sharing meeting this week focused on our experiences of intergenerational community life. here is what i thought about as i considered my own experiences in that area. ***

you are a 6 year old tornado my young friend, as that is a very good thing. i have thought about my friendships with little balls of energy like you and i have seen that i see things that i like about me when i see things that i like about you.
we had a bit of a bad start, you and i. i think i understand why we had a bad start though. i remember a time when i was looking for some keys and i asked you if you had them. it must have been scary and confusing because here was this big dude who you did not really know asking about something that you figured was a bright shiny treasure that you could hold and feel important with. there was so much going on around us as i asked you about this and i completely understand why you gave me the wrong answer because i seem to give the wrong answer ALL THE TIME when there is so much going on around me. life gets big, and scary, and confusing. life stands tall above me and asks me about my little treasures all the time and sometimes i give the wrong answer. when that happened between us i should have stopped and comforted you, i should have said that "yes that was the wrong answer but you know what? i give the wrong answer all the time." there is a BIG difference between telling a lie and just being wrong and i should have stopped to tell you that.
there is lots of good news to our story though, do you want to hear it?

you saved our friendship. you did. yes, you. not me, you did it. yes its true that i helped to save it but you took the first step, the big step. that step was so huge that i'm amazed that such a little friend can take such a huge step.

you allowed me to be your friend. you ran up to me and you demanded that i must pay attention. i'm so very glad that you were so strong. i started to pay attention to you and i want you to know that i'm still paying attention to you.

a little while later i told you boy stories. there is a difference between boy stories and girl stories you know. boy stories are silly. boy stories are sometimes stupid. boy stories sometimes talk about how life sometimes gets big and scary and confusing, and sometimes boys in boy stories give the wrong answer or do the wrong thing.

what i did not say when i was telling you boy stories was that its ok to be a boy in a boy story. it is normal to be a boy in a boy story. i am a boy in a boy story and so are you. when life is big and scary and confusing and a boy in a boy story gives the wrong answer ... it's ok. you reminded me that friendships in boy stories can be saved because you saved our friendship.

that is SO important my young friend. you reminded me that i used to be 6 year old tornado too and i turned out ok. you are going to turn out ok too. you know how to save a friendship. you saved it by being who you are, a 6 year old tornado.

attaboy tornado. attaboy.

Emotional IQ

2011-12-27T23:31:00.002-06:00

i was talking with a friend about my interview process thoughts that i've noted in recent posts and she brought up the idea of Emotional IQ as a means of interviewing people.

so i thought i'd try a little test around it. here's the one i found and took.

and here are the results.

Snapshot Report
Emotional Identification, Perception, and Expression
73

You are reasonably skilled when it comes to the core ability of identifying, perceiving and expressing emotions in yourself and others. There is still, however, room for growth. Overall, your skills in this area of emotional intelligence aid you in the process of reading others, understanding how they feel, and effectively identifying your own emotions. These skills form the basis of your ability to relate to the emotions of others as well as well as your ability to understand yourself. Review the results below for further information on areas that could use further improvement.

i don't really know what any of that means although the score is out of 100. i guess that's a decent score, but i also don't really know.

i'll do a little more reading on the subject and see if there's much i can learn and add to myself in the process.

Personality Types, Self Awareness and the Interview Process

2011-12-23T12:20:00.003-06:00

i recently submitted this document to my supervisor just because many of those thoughts where perculating in my head after my recent job interview. right now as things stand this document will only go as far as my supervisor although i am considering sending it to another supervisor and my director as well.

Personality Types, Self Awareness and the Interview Process

I recently was a part of an interview process to board for an SP3 position in the Job Centre and I left the experience with the thought that the process favours particular personality types or people who process their environment a particular way.
Under Myers-Briggs I am an ISFP which means that I am a reluctant leader who relies on loyalty as a means of motivation, I persuade by tapping into other’s good intentions, I offer more praise than criticism and I rise to the occasion and adapt to what is needed. I’m very much about relationships in the workplace and working cooperatively and flexibly with compatible people. All of that means that I’m a bit of a schmoozer who infuses joy into his work and acts to ensure others’ well-being. I pay attention to how people are treated and I do my very best to use what power I have to make some change for the sake of justice.
It does me little good to try and express WHAT I do at work in a given scenario because I’m all about WHY I do it. In the interview process the department is interested in acquired skills and the strength of my resume while I’m mostly interested in my passions and motivations within my work. My acquired skills and the strength of my resume are secondary and unimportant from where I stand. In an interview I would want the department to know what others say about me, what my supervisor thinks of the job that I do, and what testimonials to my work are in place. In a sense, my relationships are my resume and the people I have served are the result of my acquired skills.
It’s difficult for me to discuss the WHAT of my work, it’s like a foreign language. In an interview someone of my personality type would need to focus on relationship issues, cooperative and flexible approaches to working together, and the passions and motivations for doing whatever job I do. I didn’t get any chance to express those thoughts in my interview and I believe them to be viable and integral thoughts that must be expressed. I bank on my likeability at work, I engage people and I get them to trust me, I give them hope and I dispense hope on a regular basis so that I can help an individual to a better place. For me to spend whatever period of time in an interview talking about acquired skills doesn’t let me inject humanity into my discussions and my most recent board left me thinking that the interview process was very sterile and cold.
Most of my self-awareness work over the last several years has been by using the Enneagram as a tool for my study. The Enneagram is a spiritual exercise that looks into personality types and trends of coping that people employ. I won’t get too indepth in what I say here but I will say that in the Enneagram study I am a Type 9 (there are 9 types in total). The 9 is well versed and capable at many things and he is at his best when motivated into action. He’s steady, stable, genial and accommodating but at his worst he’s so laid-back that it looks like he’s done or is doing nothing while being completely content with his inaction. A 9 is at his best when he’s spurred on by something and for me I’m at my best when I’m ambitious and creative in my approach to solving problems. When a 9 is motivated he’s a world changer.
Now having said all that I’ll be a little more general as to how the Enneagram relates to my discussion of the interview process. The Enneagram categorizes the 9 types into 3 categories of relating to the world. There is the Head, the Heart and the Gut. I fall into the Gut way of relating to the world. I’m spontaneous, imaginative, sensitive and very creative. A major question when I’m dealing with participants in my job has little to do with whether or not they’re eligible or not, it’s more related to “do I believe you? Does your story hold water with me?” because if I believe a person I know that I can move mountains to advocate, teach and defend their rights.
The interview process didn’t/doesn’t allow much freedom for an intuitive or sensing approach to the world since it’s only focus is a regurgitation of facts as it relates to acquired skills. It provides an advantage to those who relate to the world from a Head space since the process requires someone to regurgitate a list of buzz words. If you can mention more words that ring bells on the scoresheet then an individual succeeds. It also seems to create a bit of a “groupthink” phenomenon. The same type of individual succeeds because they hit all the buzz words and we end up with the same sorts of thinkers or world relaters at the top of the department as they succeed.
As a 9 I find life for myself when I’m motivated, when I’m ambitious. I want very much to talk about my motivations and my passions because I want to nurture what gives me life. The interview process does next to nothing for me in that area because I cannot process my relationships with participants, co-workers and other agencies in a detached way. I tell myself to be likeable but professional at the same time. I want to be engaging but respectful of people’s needs at the same time. Some studies have been done recently talk about the sorts of things elderly people remember when they look back at their life and one of the main responses has been that they remember how well or how poorly they were treated by service agencies whose only job was to help them with their life goals. I never want to be the sort that someone looks back and says that they were treated badly or unfairly by me, but I also have to guard against taking matters too personally within my own personality type.
In a job like ours that is so up-front with the public I truly believe that personality and energy needs to be an integral part of the job. How believable is the caseworker when he or she is dealing with the public? How supportive is that person? How does that person motivate someone who does not want to move, to move? It has to be more than the pointy end of the stick when dealing with people.
So, what can I recommend within the process? What’s the point of rambling on about personality types and how to affect some change in the process? I do want to make some suggestions about how we could do it better although I don’t know if all the suggestions are workable or practical. It would require more legwork on the part of an interview board to accomplish what I’m suggesting here.
1) Consider Myers-Briggs testing for employees as part of learning plans, annual employee appraisals or at the point of application for boards. The purpose of this is not to screen out individuals for jobs based on their personality types but rather to explore a more varied questioning that allows other personality types to succeed more often.
2) Consider requiring some sort of self awareness exercises as part of personal growth within the workplace. I have found the Enneagram to be very helpful for me and I have a few contacts that could be used if an optional seminar could be arranged.
3) Weigh the opinion and evaluation of the direct supervisor more than or equal to the presentation in an interview so that learning styles and working styles can be taken into account. Have management more versed in personality typing so that they can understand better the effective ways employees relate to their world and their jobs.
4) Ask different questions in an interview. Every personality type relates to the world differently so the questions asked need to allow an individual to express themselves in the way they’re most accustomed to. Instead of so many “what” questions try to ask a few “why” and “how” questions. Someone with a Gut energy like myself will want to discuss motivations and passions as well as skills and strengths. I’m confident that you’ll see some different folks shine as they relate those things that they’re passionate about in the work they do. In order to accomplish something like this management would have to know more about an individual’s personality type BEFORE the interview happens.
5) Encourage ambition in your employees. Encourage creativity and support it strongly in anyone showing it. Dare to let people think of ways to solve problems with an eye that may not fit the stringent box set out by the Act and policy. I just think that this approach encourages employees to inject more humanity into their work and I know this gives me LIFE.

Respectfully submitted,

Ian Fergusson

The Hobbit

2011-12-21T12:06:00.001-06:00

you just KNOW that i'm going to want to be checking that out pretty quickly

Wendy's Words of Wisdom

2011-12-21T11:54:00.002-06:00

"Ian, there's a good chance that at least one of your parents is homozygous."

i don't know what she's saying here but she better not be saying what i think she's saying.

some Christmas trivia for you

2011-12-20T12:44:00.000-06:00

See if you can give me the answers without looking anything up. Yes there “may” be some trick questions for you here.

1) Name the three wise men. You won’t find their names in the Bible in case you’re thinking of looking for it there. By the way, these aren’t their actual names because it can’t even be confirmed that there were 3 of them. I’ll give you a hint ... Wallace.
2) Name 10 of Santa’s reindeer. Yes I said 10. No part marks awarded so if you don’t have 10 names then you have nothing.
3) What’s the name of the horse in Jingle Bells.

I don’t have a prize for anyone who has the answers except the knowledge that I realize you're brilliant.

define necessity

2011-12-20T12:04:00.001-06:00

h/t Opinionated Vicar

while we sing

2011-12-14T12:57:00.004-06:00

via alan knox

not sure that i agree with everything here theologically but there are certainly some big things that resonate pretty stongly through it all.

i didn't get the job

2011-12-07T12:49:00.002-06:00

it's disappointing.
i have to figure out what it all means in terms of my own ambitions and who i want to be vocationally. there are some philosophical views that i have within the work that i want to do and the supervisor who interviewed me has challenged me to expand some of my views so that my creativity can allow for more ways to help people. that's actually a fantastic concept because my own personal growth will be birthed out of my own creativity. if i can provide a solution in my own mind then i have that much more tools for knocking down walls and barriers.
still, no is a difficult answer to hear. i'm a bit pissed but i'm also motivated to be more of who i am. it's not really much consolation to realize that my boss knows i'm on the radar because it's part of the boss's job to recognize people on the radar.
i'm not done in this area. i got skills that are going to burst on to the scene. if i continue to get a shot then i'm going to do some incredible things.
it's ok to be pissed, it's also a bit motivating.
you haven't heard the last of me.

45

2011-11-30T20:01:00.008-06:00

i'm 45 today.

the last year has been more than a little bit difficult. i never thought that i would be the victim of a mid-age crisis but essentially that has been my lot over the last year. i haven't been longing after Ferraris, gold chains and silk shirts unbuttoned to my navel but i have very much struggled with a lot of self worth feelings over the last year. i have regularly looked in the mirror and wondered if i still had any game, if i was appreciated, if i was doing a good job with what i've been given and if i'd ever be able to elicit a two syllable da-amn whenever i came on the scene. i've wondered what the next 20 years held in store and also what the next 6 months had in store. it hasn't helped that i've struggled with an anxiety disorder for most of the last year while Wendy has struggled with all sorts of health stuff over the same period. it also hasn't helped that my joints get creakier and creakier as the days go on. the wisdom of my hair follicles becomes my best selling point whenever i get tested against the speed and power of a younger person's skills; it used to be that my own speed and power were my best selling points.

i am loved, i know that but i still need to hear that. i need to hear about how the world around those that are closest and dearest to me is devastated whenever i'm not there. i need to be wanted even if its only to stand there and be seen as integral.

is that ... selfish? self-absorbed? needy?

it probably is.

i still need it though.

its a damn shame that a compliment given and an encouragement with a touch of the hand is seen as a rarity that would only embarrass the other. i suspect that we're all sitting in a lonely circle of one. the unsaid things are not said because we do not wish to offend and so we remain silent because we think that a risk may damage a friendship and status quo is better than a loss. status quo may really be better than a loss but kind words and a friendly touch shouldn't create a loss ... ever.

i'm trying to lay myself bare a little bit. i want to be more honest and to live more honestly and part of that involves the expression of need.

so ... 45 years ago today i started screaming in need in this world and i still have need i suppose.

still, i am loved. i do love you too. i should say that more because i want to hear that more. i do love you.

we each bring our own light into the circle. you're a bright light to me, whoever you are. shine for me and i'll bask in glory for a bit. i appreciate bright lights who sometimes stand alone and say, "this is who i am, deal with it." i guess i just like bright lights and shiny things.

i do love you. laugh with me. cry with me. shine for me. because its my birthday.

i'm 45 today.

hockey days in Winnipeg

2011-11-29T04:46:00.002-06:00

Winnipeg is once again a hockey city and my bus stop to return home is right in front of one of the swankiest hotels in the city. during the month of November i have seen several hockey folks as they have strolled their way through their day. it may mean nothing to you but i don't write this stuff for your sake anyway. in November i have seen Bruce Boudreau (fired yesterday from his post as coach of the Washington Capitals), John Carlson (star D in waiting for the Capitals), Chris Pronger (captain of the Philadelphia Flyers), Daniel Briere (alternate captain of the Philadelphia Flyers), and Brian Murray (General Manager of the Ottawa Senators).

i know, pretty cool eh?

now, where was i?

2011-11-28T12:07:00.004-06:00

it has been ... almost 2 weeks since i have logged into this account. there is also a very good reason for that. in some posts i mentioned the fact that Wendy had some significant medical appts upcoming and that's all i said about it. actually those medical appts were in Nova Scotia so that meant that the two of us had to travel halfway across the country so that Wendy could have numerous conversations about her chemical/environmental sensitivities while i sat in the waiting room and did Sodokus for a week. it was a boring week for me for the most part but that isn't the point, i was only trying to act as a support for Wendy amidst all the stress she has been under. i probably could been more of a support actually than i actually was. i should've been more proactive in all the arrangements that had to be made and i could've done more than just try to keep everything in cruise control over the week. in some fairly major ways i failed this past couple weeks since the stress levels obviously make life nearly unbearable for Wendy and yet i'm way too uninvolved in the process.
i can't believe how poorly i'm coping with the idea of helping Wendy in this area.
that's only the most front and center issue for me though. i also think i have a pinched nerve in my neck or something. it has made my left shoulder and entire left arm throb and ache for most of the day, everyday. i'm hoping to go to the chiro today and maybe get some relief.
a heightened sense awareness is a concept that i guess i never understood was so freaking MAJOR for Wendy. i always knew that she paid really close attention to things that were happening around her but i guess it never really hit me the plethora of sensory things that bombard her in every given moment. she was relating an example to me and she listed 10 things that she thinks about and notices when she walks into our kitchen while my only thought is, "ah, this is our kitchen". you know how they say that people who lose one sense have other senses improve and magnify to compensate? it's like Wendy's senses are all dialed to 11 all the time. can you imagine how frustrating that is? can you imagine how tired she becomes of being completely bombarded by sensory information? can you imagine how frustrating life is for her?
we were in Nova Scotia for an entire week and we were completely unable to do any sightseeing over the course of the week. we had to fly there and then rent a car and stay in a strange B&B where scents and sensitivities await at every corner to trip Wendy up. the airplane trip affected her sensitivities, as well as our luggage which in turn is also affected by airplane scents and fumes plus every form of perfume and recycled air flowing through the cabin or hold of a plane. essentially we were locked into a bubble for 4 hours at 30,000 feet. we arrive in Nova Scotia and rent a vehicle that is bathed in its own scents at the same time and we travel to a B&B that comes with its own scent hurdles. Wendy did indicate that she felt better than she had felt in years during the time we were actually at the clinic for the week since they actually take seriously the idea of a "scent-free" facility. of course now we have to figure out how to incorporate all the suggestions into our own lives.
there's a "lad" who grew up in our church community and now does some IVCF work in Nova Scotia so i sent him an email while we were down there. i didn't tell him that we'd be in the neighbourhood until we were actually down there because i had no idea what the schedule would look like and i didn't want to make any promises that would fall through because i couldn't be available. it turns out we were about an hour apart but the schedule wouldn't have allowed for much time to visit anyway. it was good to email back and forth briefly and to "bless" him in my prayers from an hour's distance instead of the usual half a country's distance.
i haven't heard about the job interview yet, in case anyone's interested. i wasn't expecting to have heard by now anyway.
there was a fundraiser for Anna's House which is an orphanage in Ethiopia that was started by the mother of a couple in our church community. it was a fantastic evening where i would guess that 350 people attended. i hear that a significant amount was raised and we're all thrilled for the progress and the joy that people in Canada can create for children a half a world away.
the Blue Bombers lost the Grey Cup yesterday. they needed Fred Reid pretty badly if you ask me.
we sat in the Toronto airport on Saturday morning for a couple of hours. my brother lives about a 10 minute drive away but i didn't call because i knew he'd try to come meet with us. i would've loved to meet with him but the logistics would've been next to impossible as we would have to go through security again. so Dale if you read this, sorry but it was something that just wasn't going to be possible to happen for us.
i did send an email to my parents telling them that we were in Nova Scotia but i didn't receive an email back so i'm not even sure they got the message.
i watched "Willow" while sitting in the waiting room. it featured a very young Val Kilmer and i remembered it being a much better story than it was as i watched it for the 5th time (or whatever it is). it was actually pretty close to a Lord of the Rings storyline but maybe it's all the swords and magic that gets me thinking that.
i made a hockey trade last week in my dynasty keeper league. i traded a vastly overperforming Steven Weiss to get a vastly underperforming Eric Staal. you have no idea how much a steal that trade was for me. i'm still giddy about it.
i'm sure there's plenty of stuff that i've thought about over the past couple weeks that when i did think about it i said to myself that i must remember to blog about that. no matter though, this space is to help me process a bunch of those thoughts. if something hits my brain about it then i'll just have fodder for future posts.
oh by the way, it dumped 30 cm of snow on our heads over a 24 hr period on Thursday last week. at one point we sat unmoving on the highway for an hour and a half while they cleared a couple transports out of the way. we're safe though.
heaven help us.

Job Interview

2011-11-16T19:48:00.005-06:00

i had a very important interview this morning. i received a lot of encouragement before i went in the room, many friends shared kind wishes for good things, prayers, and good thoughts. after the interview i returned to work to find an email from my dear one saying "rock on Ian", she's really cool. i actually had to walk 6 blocks or so in order to get to the HR building where the interview would be held and it had started to snow earlier in the morning so my stroll was such that there was some bite in the air and butterflies in my stomach. i arrived at the waiting room a full half hour before my interview was to happen and i was asked for another copy of my work references, which i had actually forgotten to bring (not a good start) but was fortunate that i could remember all the contact information for them. they provided a sheet where the information could be submitted so of course i sat to record the information for them.
around mid-morning on any given day my body starts to realize that it hasn't had any nourishment for 4 hours, my blood sugar drops a little and my hands start to shake a bit. i'm there trying to print the appropriate information on a form while my hand shakes because i've only had coffee since 630 that morning. on top of that i'm also a bit nervous over the gravity of the situation and how much i really want to be able to express myself to these people.
at about 1015am the receptionist takes a call and then advises me that i can get on the elevator, go down a floor so that i can go to my interview. "Ian just be flexible", i say to myself and i grab my coat and my badly printed form and i head to the elevator. i end up standing in a lobby on the 3rd floor until the lady from HR comes to get me to take me into the torture chamber, i mean interview room. as i sit down i find my potential boss and his boss in the room with pencils poised. i knew both of them would be conducting the interviews so i wasn't surprised to see them but then they had to go through the painful exercise of introducing themselves, to me even though i've known them for years. they point out that "nothing can be assumed" in this interview and i should keep that in mind that they won't fill in the blanks for me as i try to explain my position during the interview.
HR lady explains to me that she will be chairing the interview but all three of them will take turns asking questions of me. she states that we'll take about 45 minutes to finish the interview and then we start into the first question.
i wasn't allowed any notes for myself to keep me on track so i had to put away all my prep material right off the hop. i was provided with a sheet of paper and a pencil if i wanted to take some notes to remind myself of what i wanted to say over the course of each question. i knew that each question was going to be convoluted with several parts to it and i wanted to be sure that i covered every part of each question when i answered so as each question came out i wrote notes to remind myself before i proceeded to answer.
the first question had 2 parts to it and it took HR lady a full 20 seconds to read the entire question to me. so i started with notes, i asked her to repeat the question, i clarified the question and when i was ready i started to answer. it must've been 30 seconds before i started to answer the first question and i felt completely comfortable in the silence while they waited for me to respond. i then started into my answer and i talked for SEVERAL minutes straight about my perspective and style and how i related to individuals in a counselling setting when i'm trying to put together an assessment and recommendations for people with barriers to employment. it was probably the easiest question of the 5 that i dealt with. there were a couple clarifying questions which i fielded easily and then we moved on to question 2.
question 2 was a 3 part question. question 3 was a 2 part question. question 4 was a 4 part question and question 5 was a 2 part question. after each question was asked i repeated the question as i took notes, i asked clarifying questions to be sure i had the idea behind the question, i paused and then i talked for minutes on end about what i thought my take on the answer would be.
overall, i think i did rather well. i'd like to think that i'm at least in the running for the job. i think that my boss's boss seemed relatively well engaged with my thoughts and i think that perhaps HR lady was less engaged. i couldn't really get a read on my boss which is ironic because i know him best of anyone in the room.
i was quickly into the interview when i realized i wasn't nervous any longer. it was like i was just vomiting information out for minutes on end and everyone kept writing a lot so perhaps i had some good thoughts.
when the interview ended i took my first look at my watch and my 45 minute interview had lasted an hour and a quarter. i had talked straight for an hour and a quarter and i'm not sure what to take from the idea that they weren't cutting me off to say that we needed to move on to the next question. they just let me go for the most part. perhaps that means that they were pleased with my thoughts and wanted me to continue or perhaps they just let me ramble on because i still hadn't given the answer to the question. i'm kind of hoping for the former.
as i left the building for the 15 minute walk back to work i was grateful that i could have 15 minutes of fresh air to settle and clear my head. my first thought was that it was all a very sterile experience. for a man with so much gut energy to be forced to express himself from a head energy space for an hour i was frustrated that i couldn't inject more humanity, more heart into my answers. it was an exercise in blurting out experiences and examples when i would rather spend my time trying to express my passions and motives in my work. i didn't really get to say "why" it is that i do what i do, it was much more about "what" do i do and "how" do i do it. i get it that they only want to know what skills i have at my disposal but i'm in a space where i want to wax poetic about who i am, my history and influences and how well i'm suited for the chairs i sit in. i was hoping to WOW them a little and i didn't really get the rope i needed to run with that type of thought.
anyway, i hope i'm in the running. by mid afternoon i could taste my desire to get this job but i'm also trying very hard not to expect too much. if i don't get the position then it's not like i'm unhappy where i am, i just want more challenges, a bigger soapbox from which to teach and to advocate.
i'm hopeful. it's good to be past the anxiety and stress of it sitting on the horizon.

stress levels, coping mechanisms and spiritual funks

2011-11-14T12:13:00.006-06:00

when things are stressiest (that is too a word) then i'm probably at my worst. i suppose that's normal. Wendy has a whole whack of medical appts coming up and the stress from that is making her more than a little bit anxious, unfortunately when she's anxious then i start to go into a hole of anxiety of my own. i have to fight the lack of ambition a whole ton and i'm very poor at finding motivation for the last week. there's stuff around the house that i've completely neglected and that just has driven Wendy up the wall as winter is around the corner while i'm not ready for it to happen. i have clean up all the brush beside and behind the fence and i wasn't able to get far enough with it so that the job isn't done yet. unfortunately my first reaction to stress and conflict ... is avoidance. that's one of the reasons why i do officiating because it gets me away from my first inclination whenever i come across conflict. there's no way to avoid conflict when you're umping a baseball game or reffing a football game, every decision is going to have 50% of the people around you hating your guts. but still, the stress has been extra high amidst all the health stuff going on for Wendy right now and i have coped poorly.
oh, and of course i have a job interview this week for a job that i've been positioning myself for over the last 2 years. if i don't sell myself well in that interview and i fail to get the job then i'll be in some trouble vocationally since it'll be a significant emotional setback not to get the position. i'm worried that i won't be the passionate dreamer that i need to be since my nervousness and anxiety will get in the way of the passion and rationality that i'll need to put across in that interview. i also don't know how to pray about all of that. i'm in a spiritual funk that is essentially "i just don't give a shit" and how can i possibly be passionate and philosophical about the reasons i'm in the job i'm in and why i'm living the life i live when i'm stuck in a spiritual, depressive funk? if you're the praying sort then say a prayer for me or at least think some good thoughts. i suppose if i do not get the job then at least i can still be happy where i am, doing what i have done for the last 9 years.
i've told a few around me about the importance of this stuff but i haven't been nearly indepth enough about what's going on for me. the lostness is pretty deep right now and i haven't even confided with Wendy about this stuff. i just can't seem to find the words right now since i know the pressure and worry she's under. i'm surrounded by people who love me so i will be talking about this. don't worry my friend, i'm in no danger for myself or someone else. it's just stressful and i do need to step forward with some motivation to affect some change for us.
worship was hard for me yesterday. i know it has been hard for Wendy for a lot of months now too. there were only a couple instances where i felt some connection to God during worship. first of all, i didn't really want to go to worship but we did go, then Wendy got a headache about a half hour in so i had to take her home. at that stage i had to decide if i wanted to return to worship or not, i even called a friend to see if maybe he wanted to go out instead but he wasn't home, he was probably at church himself. so i went back to worship. we sang a liturgy tune before we heard the scriptures and it nearly brought me to tears because it was a cry out to God and later i received communion and that has lasted as a bastion of faith and hope for me even when the rest of my spiritual life has been a wilderness experience.
i have a community in common. i have support. i am loved deeply and i am really well liked at the same time.
but i'm also under an abnormal amount of stress. i'll need to motivate myself out of this funk. there is growth for me in activity, in ambition. if i can be in a space of ambition then i'll reduce the stress on my love and i'll be able to be passionate about my own goals and life. it's just a funk and it does me no good so sit on my hands and hope that my troubles just go away. there is strength for me in community and in a life together. sometimes i forget that.
thanks for letting me process that much in this space.
i love you Wendy.

Starling murmuration

2011-11-04T12:45:00.001-05:00

wow. just plain wow.

Murmuration from Sophie Windsor Clive on Vimeo.

search for poetry

2011-11-03T08:49:00.004-05:00

i just want to be poetic, i said.

then be poetic, was his reply.

it was a simple statement to a quiet cry in the dark. he is one of the most thoughtful, poetic men i know and yet i don't know if he realizes the gravity of the task he laid down.

i'm a dreamer. i create little worlds for myself and i very much want to see them come to light but then when reality falls short of poetry i get disheartened. i have all of these philosophical thoughts about how and why things should be different than they are but i seem to lack the fortitude to create some of the practical bridges to bring philosophy to light.

still, i dream. i hope for better things. i make plans and i try to spur myself on toward picking up a hammer and building a bridge.

poetry can be found in many ways.

how hot is the person beside you - Part 2

2011-10-26T09:02:00.005-05:00

hot women I know - socializing at a party

X had her 35th birthday party last week. it was the day before some fundamentalist dude had said would be the end of the world so she celebrated that she was turning 35 right at the end of the world. it was an "End of the World" party. i had been thinking that most people i know don't even get all that interesting until they turn 35 or so but X might be the exception to that rule because she's already been interesting to me for years now. she's had her struggles, we all do, but she has PRESENCE. she stands up and says, "I'm important. I'm hot. I'm caring and classy and brilliant and you need to pay attention to me." but at the same time i've never heard any of those words come out of her mouth in the decade or so that i've known her. X is hot. her husband is a very lucky man and a good, caring friend in his own right. still X, you are hot and i'm proud to know you.

Z has been a fellow cyclist and member of my church community that i have loved to meet with as we both commute home from work. she recently moved to a different part of town so we won't get to commute together anymore and we have both regretted that won't be possible any longer. we were just socializing in the kitchen at the party when someone commented that the hi-lites in her hair were very pretty. i was right in the middle of my "how hot is the person beside you" thoughts so i promptly chimed in that she was hot, and i used that word. Z looked at me with her kind eyes and thanked me for the compliment. she seemed flattered. Z, you are definitely hot. you have a strong, confident and stunning air about you that people notice. it's what i call, presence.

this is just a sampling of the hot folks around me. i'm a truly blessed man.

Red Flag

2011-10-22T23:01:00.003-05:00

i had to put this on here because Wendy kept laughing whenever she saw it.

how hot is the person next to you?

2011-10-19T12:21:00.004-05:00

how hot is the person next to you? don't let that person actually be your partner because we know you already think they're hot otherwise why are you with them? seriously, it's stuff like this that gets me into trouble sometimes because i'm kinda unafraid to ask questions like this. there is definitely a time when you should not be asking that sort of question so if your filter is temporarily off then think for a second before you do ask it.
i got into trouble a few months ago because i didn't let my filter stop me from asking that sort of question. some pics from my football official's association dinner (which i hadn't attended) came around and as i looked at the pics it struck me just how old and fugly my association is. so i sent out an email cracking wise on how we were a bunch of middle aged sourpusses who looked so unnatural in pictures because we didn't smile as a general rule in case our faces would crack. i did make sure to say that i thought all of our dates/partners/girlfriends/wives were beautiful but i couldn't fathom how they ended up with whatever loser they were sitting with.
apparently, that wasn't very "professional". i guess the emails were flying around the executive of our association because i had the audacity to say that middle-aged, overweight, sullen-jowled men who didn't smile was somehow less than appealing to look at. in the end i sent out an email apologizing for the offense if any was taken but i was careful not to apologize for actually saying what i had said. i thought it was funny actually but ... i guess that some don't appreciate it when the elephant in the room is pointed to. it's not like i have any illusions that i'm still the 25 year old stud that i used to be, but i do still have a little game left.
i know i'm not the only one that stuff like this happens to. i'm not. we're all social klutzes if i read my social cues correctly, some are just better at hiding things like that.
so seriously, how hot is the person next to you right now? on a scale of 1 to 10. right now for me? 6.5

as i've aged i've noticed that i don't see very many beautiful people anymore. my opinions of beauty have changed too. for me a REAL woman is one who has lived through the wars of life. 20 something? not a chance. beauty is seen in the scars and hard knocks of life so just because you're pretty doesn't mean you're beautiful. hotness is seen for me in the mishaps while you continue on your journey.
several weeks ago i sat out front of a doctor's office and waited for my wife to come out of an appt and i just people-watched for about 20 minutes. i was just wondering how many beautiful people i could see. some 20 yr old guy walked by with his hat on backward and that "don't mess with me" walk and all i could think about was that he's pretty but not beautiful. some python armed dude rode by on a bike and i thought he probably needed to read more instead of testing how much he could bench ten times in sets of three.
then a woman in her late 40's with salt and pepper hair and a flowing skirt sauntered down the sidewalk. she wasn't anything close to a supermodel but she was absolutely stunning in her presence. she was window shopping and in no particular hurry but i couldn't stop from staring at her for the few seconds she was near the same businesses on a busy Portage Ave afternoon day.
i guess what i'm saying is that presence is HOT. there are women and men in my church community who are just plain hot because they've been through the wars and their presence is such that i love and respect them a great deal. i've never got the idea that grey hair should be dyed, and i don't personally dye my greys because i've earned every single one of those shoots of wisdom. there are women that i know whose wisdom adds to their hotness even though they're already stunning.

want me to think you're hot? have some presence. we all know that we're mostly messed up anyway but at least we can confidently say, "this is me. i'm hot, now deal with it".

another co-worker just returned from his lunch. 7.5

my mission field

2011-10-11T12:37:00.009-05:00

My first degree was in Theology with a Missions major. Short of a couple stints south of the border into the United States I haven't left Canada in the over 20 years since I got that degree. I used to be scared that God would send me to Africa and I would be miserable there. I did try to go on missions once but when my wife and I applied to go to Russia we were told that they had concerns for our marriage since I was too laid back and my dear one was not the quiet submissive type. I had me a strong independant woman and apparently that meant that our marriage was in danger.
Next I thought I would work in the church as a youth pastor or something but I quickly learned that adults in churches expected youth pastors to make their rebellious teens into holy monks and if it didn't turn out that way then it couldn't possibly be their responsibility.
All I wanted was to help people. If I could help them spiritually then I'd be pleased, if I could show a little bit of Jesus to people then that would be a success story and if I could just offer some hope to someone then I was the hands of Jesus in a very needy world. I started to work in jails, group homes, high schools and in social programs. As I did this I went back to school and got my second degree in Social Development Studies.
20 years later and I'm a welfare worker. I see the poor everyday and I spend most of my time trying to dispense hope. Hope is essential when you have nothing left. People give up when its bleakest out and I've learned the system enough that I've determined that I'm going to help. If no one else is there to help then I'm going to find some way to say "YES" to someone without options. I'll knock down walls and barriers to try and get to the core of a situation because if I can't get to the core then saying yes will have little impact on a hopeless situation.
A philosophy of "I just want to help people" has morphed a little into "I just want to give some hope to people", and I find great joy and life in trying to be the hands of Jesus in my world.
I'm still married to that strong independant woman and she dreams her way to good things while I try to to spur this laid back personality into areas of ambition and growth. We have joined a church community that has given us love, life and support for 15 years and we continue in our little circles of mission. We never left the country but as I age I learn more and more that I could reach out right here at home without having to go to Africa to dig wells or to Russia to teach English. The thought that God would send me to Africa no longer scares the crap out of me because I know that I can be useful wherever I'm planted.
My mission field is an urban street full of yuppies where I search in the dark corners for the folks without options. It's a very cool life and I'm blessed and fulfilled more than I can tell you.

protest sign

2011-10-11T12:17:00.003-05:00

LOVE this!

ht Jesus or Squirrel?

Election Day

2011-10-04T11:11:00.006-05:00

there are a number of Provincial elections happening this week in Canada and today is election day in Manitoba. i'm going to mention a few things about political philosophy that i've mentioned in this space before. if you agree or disagree then that's fine but i'm pretty much set in my ways and i'm not really of a mind to change my philosophies so i'll pretty much ignore arguments that disagree with my slant but get posted in the comments.

i vote on the left of the political spectrum. people may call me a liberal politically but i suppose i view myself as more of a Social Democrat. in Canada i vote for the New Democratic Party and if i were in the US then i'd be more in line with the Democratic Party. i have some fairly simple reasons for my political views and i'll try to lay them out for you.

trickle down economic theory doesn't work. there are some moral policies that i could agree with on the right of the political spectrum but there area slew of economic and societal policies that vex me. the political right is mostly concerned with the bottom line. they help the rich guy so that the rich guy will carry the little guy along with him as he makes his money. that's good in theory, if the rich guy decides to pay the little guy a deserving, livable wage. the era of the union has improved this for many folks over the last 100 yrs or so but there still remains a segment of society who are underemployed and underpaid for the work they do. it's those folks who bear the weight of living in a rich society while working 2 or 3 jobs to try and stay above the poverty line. if the political right is in power then it is the poor who see funding and programming cut in order to maintain the bottom line. the political right cuts programming in the interest of smaller government and the bottom line while it is the poor who are cut out.

there aren't moral policies on the table to be renegotiated. some folks vote on the right because they're anti-abortion and the political right is more likely to be in favour of "family values" or more stringent abortion laws. let me ask this, is abortion on the horizon to be repealed? no it isn't. those laws won't be changing anytime soon and yet some still vote along lines to repeal something that won't be repealed while they're supporting other policies that they also shouldn't like but could still be repealed. what end of the political spectrum would help the poor in our society? the left. what end of the spectrum would be more inclined to bring troops home from a war overseas? the left. so why are people voting for parties that will not change abortion laws while ignoring parties that would be fully willing to change laws affecting poverty and wars. if we're moral people then we need to ask who it is that can affect change in areas where change is possible and needed.

i see no reason why a poor person would be voting for a party on the political right. too often people of faith see themselves as conservative in nature and they vote for parties that run under a Conservative moniker. conservative farmers are trying to eek out a living and they vote for parties that are going to favour banks and big business while squeezing the independant little guy for all they can get. the political right gives massive tax breaks to large companies so that they would in turn create or keep jobs here but then the massive company pays its employees at minimum wage while they pocket their millions daily. and how dare employees even mention the idea of a union before the same company threatens to take their factory to Mexico or Asia where they can pay much less for labour and only have to worry about shipping costs.

the poor you will always have with you. this is a true statement but let me ask further, what sort of society do we want to create? one that looks out only for themselves or one that gives folks with barriers to a better life some help toward self sufficiency? i know what sort of society i want and i realize that programming is going to cost dollars. the person who is down and out will need an option, the poor will need a way out of a social sausage grinder that is the cycle of poverty and what supports will we as a society provide for people without options? is the worry about crime solved by putting more police officers on the streets? maybe, or perhaps there would be less crime if we provided more or better job training for people who are frustrated with their situation. what good does it really do to cut and slash supports in favour of pursuing a more balanced budget? maybe safer streets happen by providing people with a job not by putting 50 more cops on the streets to catch the bad guy doing what he's doing because he's out of options. if that means a budget deficit then i realize that there is a cost to my political philosophies and we who are rich(yes, i'm definitely in the rich category when looked at Canadian society as a whole) need to carry the weight of tax required in order to build a better life for us all.

i don't like paying taxes as much as the next guy but i also see more than my good share of people on the down and out. i think that i'm uniquely placed to affect some change in my world. where i can be a "Catcher in the Rye". Holden Caulfield was telling his little sister about a dream that he has where there are thousands of little children playing in a field of Rye next to a very tall cliff. Holden's job in the dream is to race out and catch any child when they got too close to the cliff edge. it's a hero dream that is experienced by many, including me. i want to do good in this world. i want to provide options. i want to give out hope. i want to find a way to say "yes" whenever i can.

all of that will cost me, and i'll pay the price because that is who i want to be.

so today is election day and i'll exercise my right to speak into a growing void of darkness in society. i will keep saying out loud that there is hope, there is help and if i'm the only one out there willing to help the i will do all i can to help. today my help will come in a vote for supports for the poor and hope for those without options. i'm voting on the left.

The Coming Rains

2011-09-29T09:36:00.005-05:00

i've had a bit of an infatuation with this tune for ... i don't know ... a year? i get particularly pensive over the line,

"In my heart I hold your photograph
and the thought of you comes on like the feel
of the coming rains..."

the song has an earthy, non-North American feel that i've become more comfortable with as i've aged and a romantic texture that captivates me with,

"If I had wings like those there'd be no waiting
I'd come panting to your door,
slide like smoke into your room"

All day the mountains rose behind
the veil of smoke from burning fields
And road dust dyeing black skin bronze
and the road rolling like a rough sea
It's quiet now, just crickets and
a dog fight somewhere in the far away
In my heart I hold your photograph
and the thought of you comes on like the feel
of the coming rains...
Hot breeze ran its fingers through
the long grass of the thatched roof eave
They stuck me in the only chair
while they cooked casaba and a luckless hen
They asked for one well, three lanterns and
200 litres of fuel and I said,"Who, me?"
And the time for planting's coming soon
and the thought of you comes on like the feel
of the coming rains
In the town neon flickers in the ruins
Seven crows swoop past a luscious moon
If I had wings like those there'd be no waiting
I'd come panting to your door,
slide like smoke into your room
All day the mountains rose behind
the veil of smoke from burning fields
And road dust dyeing black skin bronze
and the road rolling like a rough sea
It's quiet now, just crickets and
a dog fight somewhere in the far away
In my heart I hold your photograph
and the thought of you comes on like the feel
of the coming rains
And the time for planting's coming soon
and the thought of you comes on like the feel
of the coming rains

who plays you in the movie of your life?

2011-09-12T12:15:00.007-05:00

i'm not saying it'd be a terribly "interesting" movie, or maybe it would but i'd like to know who you figure would get to play you in the movie of your life?

i'd like to think that George Clooney would get the role of me but maybe that's just the full of himself me that thinks he's better looking than the rest of you may think he is. naw, i really am that good looking. i love me.

with my luck it'd end up being French Stuart who got the role of me.

i suppose a happy medium that i could live with might be Ed Norton ... in a couple years when he's more grey. Norton's just way cool by the way, not sure he's dweeby enough to play me but i'm sure he'd enjoy the acting challenge that i'd pose for him.

what say you? who would you want to play you? who are you likely to get instead and then who's your compromise choice?

hee hee

excellent advice

2011-09-07T12:21:00.004-05:00

via 22 words

i've got to admit that i HATE it when someone i don't know refers to me as bro or bud or anything outside the not-even-acquaintance relationship that we have, particularly if they're just trying to "play" me for a favour. it's just better to treat me with more respect off the top so that i can discover if we'll ever be "bro's".

Peace

2011-09-01T17:29:00.006-05:00

peace is not the absence of war, that's just a truce. if you want true peace you have address the underlying issues that started the fighting in the first place.

- Ian Fergusson

that's right, i just linked myself.

i consider myself to be relatively peaceful. in truth though, i'm not very peaceful at all because i don't often find the courage and fortitude to do the heavy lifting involved in crafting peace in my relationships.

i live in truce.

i need peace.

peace requires a self awareness that is too often beyond me. sometimes i find the fortitude for finding peace but it's always sweat or tear provoking as well as rewarding.

God, let me find the strength to go beyond relationships of truce. let me dig deeper and address those issues that create growth in me so that i can in turn craft peace.

i want to be better. i want to be healed.

i want peace.

fierce

2011-08-31T11:18:00.003-05:00

via Lisa

sarcasm

2011-08-31T08:49:00.002-05:00

When we're good at sarcasm, it creates the illusion that we are cool and suave and in control of a situation, that we have power, that we are the "insider" in the situation and the "outsider" is to be scorned. It strokes our ego because people laugh and think you're clever.

But truthfully, a person who relies on sarcasm is really a scared two-bit hoodlum backed in a dark corner, stabbing outward with a switchblade at everyone who comes near, without first even bothering to check if the person wants to harm or hug them.

KIRKEPISCATOID on sarcasm. Great stuff!

via Of course I could be wrong

prayers

2011-08-26T08:17:00.002-05:00

“God has editing rights over our prayers. He will . . . edit them, correct them, bring them in line with His will and then hand them back to us to be resubmitted.”

- Stephen Crotts

via The Ironic Catholic

aboriginal culture and things that cross my path

2011-08-25T11:50:00.005-05:00

when is something a "sign" to be noticed and when is it simply superstitious coincidence? i try to be sensitive to those things that happen around me as i look for some meaning. i truly believe that God can speak to you in the things that happen around you and i have also been exposed to a little bit of Aboriginal spirituality over the years on this earth. in the past i've experienced some wildlife in my travels where such wildlife does not belong and sometimes it has given me pause.

one day years ago we came home and there was an owl perched on a wire near our door and i wondered a little bit if such a thing had any significance to our journey. it turns out that an owl has a dark significance in aboriginal spirituality because of the significance of night and darkness that is equated with an owl. i didn't explore that meaning very much and i don't think i've mentioned it anywhere until now.

last year i was seeing rabbits near my workplace and in fact they would run alongside me as i came into work on my bike or they would even cut right in front of me as they tried to get where they were going. in Aboriginal culture a rabbit is a symbol of change that is coming because of how skittish the rabbit is in its travels.

a couple weeks ago we were driving down our street when a squirrel fell out of a tree and landed right in front of us. he wasnt even dazed and he quickly ran off to scurry back up his tree. here is what i've found that squirrel says to us:

Squirrel’s message teaches us to plan ahead and prepare for the future. Squirrel tells us to save for a rainy day. Don’t use up all of your resources. We must put something away to help us get through the bad times. Prepare also for seasonal changes. In periods of plenty save a little something for future use. However, if you have been hoarding things, get ready to release and let go. Take inventory! Donate your time, energy and resources to a worthy cause. Phone a charitable organization and share your abundance with others. Open a savings account. Test your discipline and control. If you are spending too much money, find out where it is going? It may also be a good opportunity to temporary withdraw from the world, count your blessings and wait for better times.

via Lily Therese

that's good advice best i can tell.

earlier this week another rabbit cut me off on my bike as i came into work. now it could just be that there are loads of rabbits that get in the way as we shuffle along but it could also be that i need to be more alert, and change is on the horizon. here's what i could find about jackrabbit as a sign:

You always plan for an escape exit, should the need arise. You are quick-witted, peaceful, talented and a survivor. The role of the victim is not appropriate in your business or personal relationships. Jackrabbit’s message is, always be alert. When walking in a strange neighborhood pay attention to your surroundings . Keep away from your enemies; you know who they are. Change your fears into faith. Learn to "freeze" when you want to avoid detection. Develop clairaudience to hear psychic messages. You are fertile with new ideas and now is the time to act on them.

via Lily Therese

do i know if any of this has significance? no i don't but i also don't want to be afraid of the question and i'm willing to be sensitive to those things that are around me.

it has been giving me a little pause however.

here i am reffing football

2011-08-20T18:59:00.009-05:00

look for #12 in stripes, sometimes i'm the ref with the white hat and sometimes i'm some other position with the black hat.

i'm in the frame for all of that clip. i don't do anything but i'm still in there the whole time. i actually make a mistake by running away at the end of the clip, they're supposed to kick the convert next and my position is supposed to be 40 yards away from i actually ended up.

here i'm the Head Linesman so you see my head flash by as i try to cover these guys downfield. you shouldn't see me til very late in that clip and all i do is mark the spot where the play stops but i do it so very professionally.

here i'm back in the white hat again (that means i'm the ref) and i pretty much wave time in on the play and they score.

here i'm the umpire, which means i'm the fatman in the middle of the field (umpire is where all the old slow guys officiate). the run goes up the middle and i simply rotate and follow the play.

finally i'm the back umpire which means that i'm the deep guy. the rule for that position is just don't get beat deep because there's nobody else behind you to cover your butt if you make a mistake.

up all night

2011-08-19T09:49:00.002-05:00

up all night studying for a blood test. it was nothing like i thought it was going to be and not once did they ask me for my type. i think that maybe i failed and i might need a makeup.

it required me to fast for 12 hours so i wasn't allowed to eat breakfast either. not cool to be biking to work with no nourishment in my body.

i never was much good at tests.

Jericho

2011-08-18T10:30:00.002-05:00

as usual, i didn't want to go to member's meeting but Wendy wanted to go and so since i'm pretty much a puppy dog i decided i could join her. the stroll to church was really very nice. we chatted and she made a backhanded compliment about how i looked like Bono in my shades, ugly dude that he is. she later admitted that she doesn't think Bono is ugly at all and it pleased me that she could love me enough to tease me.

in the past as we've sat in the circle i've thought, this is my tribe, these are my people ... but i couldn't find it in me to think those things this time. we had a discussion about camp ministry and how this season had progressed at the 3 camps we're affiliated with. i thought about the moments of coming off the high of camp and how i would seek to try and maintain that feeling beyond its time. i thought about the superstitious things that i would do to make it seem like i was maintaining that level of community high even though i knew i was having no impact on the feelings of the loss of those times. it was disenheartening back in those days and it seemed foolish to try and maintain that as i look back at it now.

then she began to share. R is a wife and mother whose husband was diagnosed with a genetic disorder last year that will one day cause his death. presently there is life but one day the absence of life even while life endures will be a horrible burden. R has mourned this diagnosis and it has led her into depression. her children have mourned it also. her husband has lived with this possibility all his life but she has only come to terms with it in the last year. she saw his mother fall into this deep pit, in fact that was all that she had experienced of his mother. she has looked at this oncoming train and mourned that it was on its way. i listened to her and i realized that i had said some of these same words and cried some of these same tears. i had seen this hopelessness in my own life and i had walked these very paths, sometimes i have crawled.

where do we find hope in this bleakness? we prayed together. people cried with her and comforted her and i sat and wondered where we could find hope ... but i was at a loss.

on the very odd occasion i have little visions as i pray. i sometimes think that i must've moved on to old man status because i no longer dream dreams, i see visions. i suppose i can take solace in the fact that it doesn't happen often so maybe i could still be kept from the old man cubbyhole, at least in my own mind.

as we prayed i could see no hope but eventually i decided that i needed to search for it. it was then that the vision popped into my head. i was standing outside and i looked up at a very very high city wall. i nearly couldn't see to the very top the wall was so high. i then started to yell.

that was my vision. i stood outside in the heat of the day and i yelled at a wall.

i began to think about it afterward and i thought of Jericho. the people of God stood in a circle and yelled at a wall. why would they yell? what good were they thinking they could do?

these were a people who had seen the angel of death pass by their doors, the parting of the Sea, manna from heaven, a pillar and a cloud, water from a rock and the preserving hand of God but now they stood outside of a city and yelled.

i've got to think they yelled out of expectation of what was to come.

i await the rumble and broken bits of clay, mud and stone that is to come. otherwise, why would i be yelling?

i've done a lot of yelling in the last year. i'm hoping that yelling with expectation will bring results. hope does not disappoint.

Meaning

2011-08-18T07:51:00.002-05:00

When I die, I will see the lining of the world.
The other side, beyond bird, mountain, sunset.
The true meaning, ready to be decoded.
What never added up will add Up,
What was incomprehensible will be comprehended.
- And if there is no lining to the world?
If a thrush on a branch is not a sign,
But just a thrush on the branch? If night and day
Make no sense following each other?
And on this earth there is nothing except this earth?
- Even if that is so, there will remain
A word wakened by lips that perish,
A tireless messenger who runs and runs
Through interstellar fields, through the revolving galaxies,
And calls out, protests, screams.

Czeslaw Milosz

via Peer Pressure is Forever

how do i fix a bike?

2011-08-11T12:14:00.003-05:00

i recently got a flat on my bike. we used to fix our own flats when i was a kid so it's not like i'm entirely lost when it comes to fixing up my bike. there are a couple complications though. when i was a kid i wasn't living with someone with extensive chemical and environmental sensitivities. i could just go about patching up the tube, put it all back together and inflate but now i have to consider how the smell of the patch glue is going to affect my dear one. what if i get it on my clothes? what if the smell alone could be noticed after the tube is all fixed?

i tried my bike guy for a little advice. Colin has some "attachments" to our church-community but in truth his family is important to me because he's my bike guy. he's also got a young family and he's very busy with life et al so i certainly don't want to go to the well too often during the course of bike season. i tap him on the shoulder in the spring for a tune-up and then i hope that i don't have to bother him after that so as not to ruin my chances for a tune-up next season. i've actually had to call Colin a couple times this year to get some advice and that's what i first tried to do in this situation. Colin was so busy that he couldn't even call me back and there's no way i'm trying again since i know i'll need him again sometime soon.

i was thinking i could do it myself. Wendy called me after work yesterday to tell me that she'd be biking home from her doctor's appt and i should go ahead and prepare some potatoes for dinner. i told her that i could do that but i also wanted to fix my tire. Wendy immediately suggested that i just take it to the local bike shop to get the work done so that there would be no environmental issues that may cause a migraine or worse, the dissolving of our marriage (that's a joke folks, don't worry too much there).

i called the shop and determined that it'd cost me around $20 to get the work done. that's more than i wanted to pay but at least it's a local, small business that i'd be supporting.

so, how do i fix a bike? i let the pros take care of it. i'll be a happier boy tomorrow when i finally get back to biking back and forth to work.

life as i know it

2011-08-09T07:58:00.005-05:00

everything is ok, i just haven't been able to blog much at all. since the last time i wrote something here i've reffed most of a football tourney for teams from across the country, a baseball qualifier tournament for the Provincial Championships, and then i umped the actual Provincial Championships. i'm really tired. well, mostly i'm sun-baked from all that time out in the sun but at least this time i bothered to wear sunscreen. at least i'm not lobster-boy although the sun sure does sap your energy when you put in 14 hr days outside. beside being a little sapped out, i feel pretty good.

i talk a lot about baseball off the top of this post but i do move on to other things so stick with me through the stuff that may only mean something to me.

i was chatting with one of the parents for a local team that i've been umping all season and she told this story about her husband who was a world class athlete back in the day. he's apparently also very humble. she was saying that when they were dating they had agreed not to take the troubles of competition home with them so they could just enjoy life together. this woman was cleaning up some boxes recently and she found a box with all sorts of medals in it from World Championships and even one Olympic Silver Medal. the husband had NEVER told her that he had won all of these medals. i just couldn't wrap my brain around the idea that someone wouldn't just "happen" to mention to his girlfriend and later his wife, "oh by the way, i'm an Olympic Silver Medalist". there's no way that i could be so humble as to keep from mentioning that fact in every casual conversation at any party i go to or even every fight that i get into with my wife. "no dear, you can't possibly be right here because i'm an Olympic Silver Medalist and that trumps any opinion you have in this moment!" well ok, maybe that wouldn't be so cool after all. after something like that i'd find myself sleeping on the couch with only my medal to keep me warm.

i love to talk about baseball theory. most of the time i like it best when i'm chatting with a catcher who only wants to learn more about how to do it better. i had several opportunities to talk with catchers after a game this past weekend and i went into teacher mode. one kid i pretty much said that he doesn't want me calling the high strike since then guys will swing at it and if they swing at it they'll start tomahawking it all over the field. the mantra is keep the ball down, down, down. that is, if you want to get guys out and what catcher doesn't want to get guys out?

i took a foul ball in the mask on Friday night that cracked the plastic housing around the metal. i may have to buy a new mask now. not cool. i also took a foul ball on the right forearm just below the elbow on Sunday (in my last game of the season) and i quite literally couldn't feel my arm for way longer than i admitted in front of 100 people watching. lots of people were asking "you ok blue?" (because you either call an ump by either "ump", "Mr. Umpire" or "blue" due to the colour of his jersey) and i answered "yeah, i'm fine thanks" even though its now two days later and my arm still hurts. i figure its just some bruising of the muscle but still i'll milk this and continue to whine about it just in case it gets me some sympathy.

these tourneys are the absolute best because you can just sit and tell baseball stories in your off time. you laugh a lot on these sorts of weekends.

it turns out that Wendy and I are being audited by Revenue Canada. we have so many medical bills that haven't been covered by insurance so we've been applying for every tax break we could qualify for. we're hoping that all goes well but it's still a lot of work for Wendy to put everything together since ... i'd be sure to miss a few thousand details if i tried to take care of this ... plus Wendy did the taxes so she already knows everything she applied for.

i have a flat tire on my bike so that means i'm on the bus to work. i have to take some time to fix that up since i very much would rather be on the bike. there's a lot of joy in my day when i'm biking back and forth to work.

Wendy and i were going on LONG bike rides together before my flat. they were actually quite nice even though they were really long but it was great just to spend time together doing something we both enjoy.

i've been helping with some training for a couple newbies at work. it really is a good space for me to be a mentor/teacher. i have significant gifts in that space that i can use and help to mold people into the sorts of workers they want to be. it's a major reason why i think i'd be a good selection for a supervisor around here. we'll see if that ever comes about though.

football season starts for me in 2 weeks.

one of the parents for a local team that i've been umping all season saw me without all my gear on and asked if i had lost a lot of weight recently. i have lost a lot of weight over the last few months but also when you only see an ump wearing all his plate gear you'll naturally think he's lost a ton of weight when you don't see him without all the gear. a plate umpire wears about 15 lbs of padding when he's working the plate. it makes me look all bulked up but i was also more on the pudgy side after the winter.

several people have mentioned my weight loss recently. all the dietary changes for Wendy has meant that i'm eating a lot less processed stuff and more salads too. my philosophy around weight loss is just about eating good food and getting some exercise. given all the health struggles in our household i can't afford to get all neurotic about weight loss though. still, i look good and people are noticing. yes, it really is all about me.

the dog next door was our pup's best friend and a couple days ago she wanted to come over to our yard for a visit. she was actually pretty cuddly when she came over which is fairly new for her to warm up to me like that. it made me miss Maddie a good bunch but it was also very nice to have a friendly pup around the yard for a little while.

i've been taking care of a group presentation for a co-worker while he's been on holidays. today is the last presentation i'll need to do for that coverage. it'll look good on the resume though since i've been spreading my wings more and more around here over the last couple of years. in terms of my own self-awareness i'm discovering more and more that since i'm so laid-back in my natural state that there really is some life for me when i'm ambitious and accomplishing more. if you know anything about enneagrams it's when a 9 space (like me) moves to a 3 space which is a healthy transition for me. an unhealthy transition is when i move to 6 space and i get locked away in my fears and doubts. i highly recommend a little bit of enneagram study into some self-awareness and spiritual exercises. seriously, go look into it for yourself, i'm sure you'll get some value there.

i had one day last week where i thought, "somebody needs to say something nice to me today" ... and it happened. be affirming.

the position at work that i've been wanting to apply for still has not been posted even though the chair has been empty for a month now. i've got to think that i'd be near the front of the line for that job when it gets posted but i'll still need to interview for the position. oh well, i'll jump through the hoops because it's what i want.

i sit on a housing board affiliated with my church-community. things are finally beginning to proceed with permits and funding. it'll mean significant renovations as we turn a 100 year old Anglican church into a much smaller church and low-income housing throughout the building. it's pretty exciting actually and i'm glad to be a part of it.

my buddy Bob's birthday is coming up this month. must remember to hang out with him and go do something.

Wendy has found a clinic where she can go address the significant chemical and environmental sensitivities that she deals with daily. the clinic is in Nova Scotia though so we'll be visiting there to get a whack of testing done this November. i've been to Nova Scotia but i was 5 so i don't remember anything about it. i hear its beautiful so i'm excited about that.

got a little bit of time to play the guitar so far this week. lotsa life for me there too, especially when i try to tackle new tunes. i started playing Bruce Cockburn's "Closer to the Light" recently and although it's still a bit rough trying to get a good sound on Csusp it doesn't sound TOO awful.

i write for 2 fantasy sports websites and i recently finished a baseball article over at www.dobberbaseball.com . it's a niche that i like and enjoy. i think it's related to the whole "be a mentor/teacher" mentality that i want to be in.

well, i think i've run short on my own ramblings for now. thanks for bearing with me this far.

the funny thing here

2011-07-27T12:27:00.003-05:00

via Lisa

i was rolling in laughter over this one because i didn't get it at all until Wendy explained it to me. from there she was just laughing at how much of an idiot i am sometimes. that's my lot in life sometimes.

somebody out there fess up that they don't get it either. or perhaps i'm the only idiot out here.

tenacity

2011-07-22T12:00:00.004-05:00

it's just so damn sexy.

Wendy has endured a fight for health for her entire adult life. endometriosis, an eating disorder, depression, chronic pain, migraines, chemical sensitivities, food allergies, fibromyalgia and the weight of a husband who doesn't know how to help the situation whatsoever. she has been fighting the start of a migraine for a solid week now while the mercury on the thermometer rises daily and she endures hot flashes from being thrown into premature menopause from a partial hysterectomy to rid herself of the endometriosis problem.

and she still gets up everyday and continues the fight.

i have always LOVED Wendy's heart. it encourages me no end because she constantly fights for better things. her heart was a major thing that attracted me to her oh so many years ago and it keeps me coming back. when she is in good spaces she laughs readily and it thrills my soul to hear her cackle from anywhere nearby.

she's just so damn sexy.

Wendy, i love you. you're like my favourite type of pitcher, the kind that comes right at you and says if you're going to beat me then you'll have to beat the best stuff i have. you're a bulldog, a very cute one. your tenacity inspires me.

you're just so damn sexy.

mental problems

2011-07-20T12:06:00.004-05:00

via of all the liars in the world

there's also a dyslexia comment on that link that i don't get but i suspect that it may be a guy thing.

take off your shoes

2011-07-18T09:25:00.002-05:00

I plead the blood of Jesus over you
I plead the blood of Jesus over you
And over every f---ing thing you do
Seven times I plead the blood of Jesus over you

Take off your shoes - you're on hallowed ground
Even you can't lie when I'm around
Take off your shoes - you're on hallowed ground

Behold on the last lamp light at the very end of your street
I'm whispering something
Come closer to me
Come closer to me

I say you're running out of battery, you're running out of battery
And I don't see no bunnies around here

If you believed at all in your breviary, if you believed even in just the ghost of me, you wouldn't now be so surprised to see me

In vanity you took the name of me
You brought me into infamy
And now you're so surprised to see me, and now you're so surprised to see me

a devastating thing

2011-07-15T08:13:00.005-05:00

we live in a part of town where every house (it seems) is close to 100 yrs old, i know ours is. lining the streets of our beautiful section of town are elm trees that are as old as the house. we have had 2 beautiful octogenarian elms on either front corner of our property for the 15 yrs we have lived where we are. i cannot express my mourning this week to come home from work and see the tree that we don't share with our neighbour having been tagged for removal due to Dutch Elm Disease. my first thought was "there's nothing wrong with that tree, it's just old, why can't they just leave the old guy alone?" and then i saw the literature that accompanied our devastating loss. the symptoms of Dutch Elm are typically a withering of leaves near the top of the tree in the height of what should be their prime growing time. that's exactly what has happened to the old fella.

i very literally mourned. it will affect our property values and much of the shade of our home will be lost but i wasn't mourning any of that. i was mourning the loss of a living thing that had brought joy and comfort to us. a tree is a beautiful and majestic thing and when you live in a city in a forest which is what Winnipeg is then you sometimes forget to look at the trees while they surround you. this old guy is a gnarled veteran who has seen more history than i ever will. he isn't a pretty tree but he obviously used to be and there is still plenty of majesty there in those limbs and a solid trunk.

i was nearly moved to tears to see it marked like it was. i will mourn his loss when he goes. i may need the day off even, and i'm not joking.

it's just plain devastating.

Lutestring

2011-07-14T11:07:00.004-05:00

you wrote some words recently that i wholeheartedly agree with.

as a man of faith let me try to explain some faith things that i react to when i see it.

God is not a magic genie in a bottle, he doesn't respond to superstitious little prayers because you want all the best for yourself, and he doesn't stand by with a club in his hand waiting for you to step out of line. In fact I think it's the folks who aren't toe-ing the line that have something going on that God is pleased with. If you don't have your toe to the line, you're free ... and freedom is truly a beautiful thing in a spiritual being. Freedom speaks to the point that God was making when he introduced the concept of grace in the first place. Freedom is the intent of God when we were wandering around the garden and it will continue to be his intent when we end up in whatever garden in the end.

Scream! Go ahead and let me join you. Let people be locked away in their theological boxes if that's what they want but if they're willing to come out in the sun with you then encourage them to do so also.

Come out in the sun and let's remove our shoes and run out of sheer joy. Freedom is a beautiful thing and we can be free indeed.

Blessings on your journey.

was i rude?

2011-07-13T17:16:00.003-05:00

sometimes i just don't know.

i was on a transit bus from central Winnipeg to a Community Center in north Winnipeg so that i could umpire for the day at the City Championships. as i neared the bus stop i wanted, i came up to the front of the bus and asked "can i get out at the corner here instead of the bus stop?" the bus driver looks at me and says rather forcefully, "well don't you think that please isn't too much to ask?" i was actually caught off guard by this reaction so i simply responded "no". quite frankly i felt like he was treating me disrespectfully with his response ... and i decided that i wouldn't say the word please in that moment. the driver heard my response of "no" and simply drove to the bus stop without opening the door for me to get off the bus at the corner. i left the bus without saying another word. he didn't say a word either.

was my question rude? did i behave wrongly? i don't think it's unreasonable to ask to get off a bus where its most convenient for me, especially if he has to stop the bus for a stop sign anyway. there was no safety issue to worry about, in case you're wondering.

how do i get into these situations? i'm a nice guy, really i am. maybe he was just having a bad day, i know i certainly wasn't and didn't. it was just an odd little interaction in my day.

sometimes i just don't know.

yeah, i know i'm supposed to stop

2011-07-07T09:15:00.007-05:00

yesterday i'm biking home and i come to a lazy little 4 way stop about 6 blocks from home. it's a quiet, muggy day and as i approach the corner there is a car coming in the opposite direction from me and nobody else around. the car i'm facing is going straight and so am i.

as i approach the stop sign on my bike i realize that i'm not in the way of the car coming in the opposite direction, there are no pedestrians or any reason to stop at this stop sign. it's a quiet lazy street and i've built up a lot of kinetic energy that i don't want to cancel around the corner from my house. as i reach the stop sign the car across from me decides to put his left turn signal on right in front of me and i lay on the brakes to avoid the collision that apparently i'm about to get into.

i stop in time and the car proceeds into the intersection going straight ahead, turns his signal off and rolls his window down to tell me that i'm supposed to stop.

yes i realize that i'm supposed to stop at a stop sign but at the same time i wasn't in anyone's way and there was no danger of me getting hurt ... until you turned on your signal. so i laid on the brakes, nearly killed myself just so that you could tell me that i'm supposed to stop. you didn't even have to turn, and you didn't turn so i still wasn't in your way.

i'm supposed to stop. hear me when i say that. but you sir, are an ass. thanks for nearly breaking my neck when i wasn't in your way or anyone else's way. i'm so glad that the heart attack you gave me taught me a lesson.

the lesson i learned though wasn't about stopping for stop signs, it's that people are vindictive jerks who will go out of their way to prove that assumptions shouldn't be made. i assumed i was not in your way and you proved that you would just rather force me to learn a lesson i didn't actually have to learn.

whatever, i learned. i learned not to assume anything because you know what happens when you assume? you make an ass out of you ...

nobody does that

2011-07-06T12:04:00.003-05:00

nobody gets frustrated with some kid who's trying to be funny and doesn't realize that comments and actions can be taken personally.

nobody stares into a mirror and wonders who the guy on the other side is.

nobody wonders if his life is going where he wants it to go.

nobody gets sad because life is just hard sometimes.

nobody wonders if he's still good looking anymore.

nobody wonders where the 20 yr old kid full of life went, or the 30 yr old dreamer disappeared to.

nobody questions if there's still a future out there worth chasing.

nobody wonders if he's still got it or he ever had it.

nobody pushes to be better anymore.

nobody wants to know that he's loved still.

nobody feels like he's wandering around in a fog where everything is going in slow motion because his brain won't process things as quickly as he used to.

nobody creaks and groans as joints ache.

nobody questions whether the day to day stuff has to get done.

nobody does that.

liar.

the last thing she said as i headed out the door

2011-07-04T09:06:00.003-05:00

it was bright and sunny and i had scored some tickets to the minor league baseball team in our fair city. the park is beautiful and i have a special love for baseball that i cannot begin to express. i had coerced 3 friends into joining me for the game and i brought my own peanuts to share with the buds over the course of what was sure to be a lazy summer day at the ballpark. i have this tradition whenever i go to watch a ballgame i need peanuts, a hot dog, and a beverage; and no substitutions allowed. i was really looking forward to enjoying this day.

i watch a lot of baseball. usually i have the best seat in the house as i ump from about 5 feet behind home plate but this was very different. i wouldn't have to carry around an extra 15 lbs of equipment, i could wear shorts and shades and i could kick back and bask in the sun. little did i realize the differences in this day than any other day that i usually spend while umping. when i ump most of my body is covered in material, it's sweaty and warm but there's little chance of roasting.

as i headed out the door Wendy said, "don't you think you should put some sunscreen on?" my first thought was, no. i should never go with my first thought when Wendy is making a suggestion.

we got to the park and there was a rain delay for an hour and a half. no worries then, i thought. when the clouds cleared and we took our seats on wet plastic chairs it then became painfully clear that we were about to be baked for the next several hours. did i do anything about it? of course not, what am i? prudent? cautious? smart?

not even close.

i did get to enjoy my hot dog, my peanuts and my beverage. we discussed the game as it wore on and the home team got smoked. and i basked ... and baked. no hat, no sunscreen, white pasty legs that hardly ever see the light of day.

i now have the worst burn on my knees than i have had in many years. my face looks like a racoon where my shades have blocked out the burn that the rest of my face endured.

it was a fine day at the park ... but boy will i be paying for it. i've already doused my face and legs with aloe several times and it still stings whenever i bend my knees, smile ... or breathe. maybe i should just stop doing that stuff eh? it'll probably just be a lot easier to take my wife's advice.

i can't believe i have to learn the same lesson over and over and over again.

not only that but i have to deal with all the "i told you so" attitude if i dare to complain about my sunburn. so no complaining allowed ... except here of course. you won't tell Wendy that i'm complaining about it though, right? right? seriously, don't tell her.

baseball update

2011-07-01T11:17:00.002-05:00

it seems that July is going to be a busy month for me.

first of all i scored some tix for 2 free Goldeyes games and i'm hoping a few friends will join me there.

secondly i've been locked into playoffs for the City Championships over the course of the entire month. in particular i'll be doing a lot of plate playoff games for the Peewee AAA division (aged 12-13) nearly every night for most of the month. i'll also be doing Bantam AA (aged 14-16) or Midget A (aged 17 -18) playoffs over the course of next weekend. i was also asked to be the Peewee A Umpire in Chief but it seems that'll conflict with the other playoffs so i may have to bow out of that.

finally, i have been told that i will be recommended to ump the Peewee AAA Provincial Championships at the long weekend in the beginning of August. it has been several years since i have been to a Provincial Championships but they have always been amazing experiences in the past.

it'll mean a lot of late nights for me if these lads can't hit the strikezone.

good times.

the need for affirmation

2011-06-29T16:31:00.004-05:00

i need affirmation. i don't like that i need affirmation and yet, i still need affirmation. like Sally Field i long to say "you like me! you really like me!" and i kinda live for those moments. my relationships are full of many folks who obviously like me and i still reach out and ask people to tell me so on a regular basis. it comes off as very needy and i get pretty appalled with myself about this on a regular basis. it goes to some pretty deep self worth issues in me that i'm exploring my way through.

a dear friend of mine is a woman that i work with named Christine. she's very affirming and patient with me but she's moving on to bigger and better things as she takes on a new job after tomorrow. Christine will be moving to another office and there's a good chance that i won't see her again. i'm mourning that loss of relationship today. i've known this was coming for a long time now but there's really no way to prepare for a friend to leave your little social circle.

the 12 yr old insecure Ian mourns the loss of a friendship and once again questions his need for affirmation.

i try to be as encouraging as i can be. it gets me in trouble sometimes because it can easily be seen as flirty to the opposite sex. it's not about flirtation though, it's about my need for affirmation. in many ways i encourage because i want to be encouraged. i bless because i long to be blessed.

Christine, be blessed. take on those sorts of things that give you life. you will be missed and i thank you for the friend that you are to me.

20 years together

2011-06-21T09:03:00.015-05:00

on June 22, 1991 i stood at the front of your home church and beamed as you walked down the aisle toward me. we were two 20-something kids who looked like they were teenagers but our families joined together to thank God that we could be together. i still remember vividly your voice beside me as you sang the descant in "Alleluia, He is Coming" and it still gets me weepy whenever it is sung to this day. i still laugh at the thought of you sticking out your tongue in concentration as you put my wedding ring on my finger. i really don't remember any part of the "sermon" given on that day but the joy in the faces of those that we love was evident and i remember that strongly. the best man was decked out in all his nearly Amish glory and the ushers were resplendant in their hockey hair and boyish charm. the maids of course were all beautifully decked out but in truth no one held a candle to the bride on that day. i was nervous. i was also ready. i believed and still do that we were together for a purpose and i was eager to start a life together.

it has been very good, and at times it has been very hard. we have loved, we have fought and we have stuck together through rich and poor, sickness and health. if i could do it over i would say i love you more often, i would be more attentive, i would try not to be as weak as i have been. we have taken some hard knocks but we are still together and we have been faithful to our vows to one another. you can't get rid of me, i'm in it for the long haul.

i have loved your tenacity. your strength amidst pain amazes me no end. your talents are unending and i'm so glad that you are my partner in this journey. your laugh always cheers me whenever i hear it. a kind word of encouragement from you carries me for a month at a time and time spent with you just sitting on the couch is a highlight for my life. my life is secure because you have made it so. we are in good places because you have dreamt well and prodded me to be more adventurous. i know that my fears have frustrated you because i'm hesitant to move but you've always tried to be patient with that part of me.

you are loved my dearest. you will be loved dearly over the next several decades that are ahead. any time my poetic heart lifts his head and speaks to the world it is because i am inspired by you. much of my success is attributable to you and i am trying to extend those influences as i consider the support that you have been to me over 20 years.

i know, i know, "SEEMS LIKE FOREVER" as you've said in the past. 20 years isn't all that long if taken in the light of the impact made on lives around us. you are a bright light among us. you are inspiring. you are loved. you are strong. you are my wife and i thank you for it.

blessings on you for your life, for our life. may you know grace, peace, hope and health. i continue to pray for you and for us everyday. i love you Wendy.

high on his shoulders

2011-06-20T11:24:00.004-05:00

i have this memory of being carried on my father's shoulders. he is tall and lean and as a child it was such a scary thing to be so high up. it was a scary thing and yet it wasn't because i knew i was safe and secure as i sat perched above tall skyscrapers and low flying planes, or at least that's how it seemed. i could climb tall trees because i could handle the heights on my father's shoulders.

on occasion he would even run with me on his shoulders.

imagine the thrill.

yesterday was dad's day and we had already spoken on the phone earlier in the week so he had told me i didn't need to call yesterday to express the same sentiments i had already spoken. he knows that i love him, i have told him so and i tell him every time we speak. he was always a man who didn't express those sorts of feelings very readily but he was a product of his generation and he did manage to show his love for me in the safety and concern he provided daily as i grew. i've not always agreed with the way he does things, in fact we've disagreed more often than i've told him about but yet, he's my dad and i've always respected the model that he has been for me. he's carried me high on his shoulders and he has been proud of me .. and i of him.

i love you dad. now turn up your hearing aid old man, i'm bragging on you.

name that element

2011-06-16T08:56:00.003-05:00

via 22 words

the Greening of Eritrea

2011-06-14T08:28:00.004-05:00

Eritrea is the birthplace of humanity. It is a land that has been ripped apart by drought, famine, and revolution but it also has found a way to touch my own heart from time to time. I remember as a youth our church sponsored a refugee family from Eritrea and I first heard about the land. Recently a dear friend has come into my life and his family history has come out of that place as well. My friend Aki has blessed me beyond compare in the very short time that I have known him. In a sense the land of Eritrea has blessed me too because he is of that land and we all have our roots in that land.

If you have 15 minutes then go check out this video on The Greening of Eritrea that talks about how they are using sea water to bring rebirth to land and communities where it is drastically needed. It absolutely blew me away.

Well worth your effort.

h/t to Brian McLaren

life lessons that baseball has taught me

2011-06-13T12:23:00.006-05:00

you're probably thinking "really? baseball?" and the answer is yes, baseball. baseball is a metaphor for life and some of the things are just annoying little habits that i've taken from the game while other parts actually speak to a life lesson. you can find subtle things if only you look.

- individual accomplishment and team goals
have you ever seen "The Untouchables"? there's a scene where Al Capone (played excellently by DeNiro) is talking about baseball by saying that the team fails if the individual fails in the moment. he then goes on to whack one of his henchmen with a baseball bat. life is like that, you're a part of a team but it's also full of individual accomplishment so that the team's goals are accomplished.

- don't waste a good throw to 1st base
you don't throw it to 1st when you throw it around the horn. the reason is that you don't want to waste a chuck on something that doesn't matter. save the good stuff for when it really matters.

- get a piece of anything close when you have 2 strikes against you
life is full of humanity and you don't want to get caught by a human moment just because some umpire doesn't see things the way that you do. if it's close enough that someone else MIGHT think it's a strike then you better be hacking. be thorough and safe when there's no tomorrow.

- hustle on, hustle off
don't keep someone waiting, particularly if that guy is wearing 15 lbs of extra padding and it's 30 degrees outside.

- thuggery is not intensity
you can be intense and respectful at the same time. yellers get reaction in kind, irrationality gets dismissed.

- don't make an argument based on disagreement
judgment calls can't be argued so if you disagree then swallow your tongue. if there's an infraction of the rules then make a rational argument

- charge the ball
the play won't be coming to you. you have to go to the play. circle around it and come up firing.

- hit the cutoff man
know your job and what must be done. if you make the wrong play then the whole team suffers

- on your toes, glove down
be ready.

- look for the fastball, especially at 2-0
when you have a pitcher down 2-0 then he's not going to want to go 3-0 so he won't fool around. a sure strike is most likely coming your way and that's probably going to be a fastball. if you know what's coming, hammer it.

- wear your sunglasses
failure can easily happen if you're not prepared. don't lose the ball in the sun because you didn't have your gear on

- watch for the signals
if your skip wants you to be doing something then you better be paying attention.

- keep hydrated
uh, its hot outside. drink water.

- wear a helmet
life is dangerous, wear a helmet.

- rub some dirt on it
you're not going to take your bat and go home so suck it up princess.

- don't say "good eye"
everyone will just think you're Australian and say "mate" after you're done.

- wear that
the batter's box belongs to you so if it's going to hit you then turn the other cheek so that you take it on the meat. i'm talking about the "other" cheek but if you're thinking about your head then refer back to "wear a helmet"

- if its not heading for your head then don't duck
if you're ducking then an umpire thinks you're trying to cheat the strike zone against the high strike. a good umpire will give all the high strikes to the pitcher if he thinks you're trying to cheat.

- call him by his title on the field, even if you know his name
respect is never something you should short change.

- at the end of the game, shake the man's hand.
you wouldn't believe the number of times that i've had adults refuse to shake my hand because they didn't agree with something that happened during a game. not cool. bad karma. i've taken up the practice of going to them and offering my hand just so i can redeem their soul and prevent their oncoming ulcer. you don't have to say "Good game" as is the custom but you do have to look the man in the eye and shake his hand.

thoughts about nothing

2011-06-10T11:47:00.012-05:00

the Boston Pizza commercials about the wing expert are purely annoying. as in, kill me now.

there's a truth in advertising radio commercial that has a jingle that still makes me chuckle when i hear it all about a guy's excuses for why he won't be going to the wedding of his sister-in-law that day. i sang it to Wendy last night and she looked at me like i was from Alpha Centauri or something. it still makes me chuckle though.

when you throw it around the horn on the baseball field you NEVER throw it to the 1st baseman. trust me, it's bad luck and you don't want to waste one of those throws that you're going to need during the game. stop doing that sort of thing.

when i'm on my bike i only stop at stop signs if there's something i need to stop for. i ALWAYS stop at red lights and you must get off your bike at a crosswalk but you should probably run if you're holding up traffic like i do on Main St everyday.

i learned to play "Nod over Coffee" by Mark Heard in the last week.

i've had the chord progression for over a year now but i just learned how to put it all together recently and it actually sounds pretty decent if you ask me, which you didn't. if you want to hear a good version then be sure to listen to that youtube up there.

i was asked to be an Umpire in Charge for a Peewee Playoff tourney but it looks like it'll conflict with another tourney so i think i have to pass. it sucks actually because it would enable me to do a little bit of teaching with some young guys about how to do this umpire thing a little better. i like those moments of my life when i can go into mentor mode.

Wendy went for short bike ride only 2 weeks after major abdominal surgery. how freaky is that? she is such a strong woman. gawd do i love her.

Larry from my church community said he was listening to a band called "Over the Rhine" so i went to check it out and i've got to say ... i'm not interested at all. funny because Larry is one of those guys that hits more than he misses when it comes to music but still, definite miss for me.

the fact that the Canucks have home ice advantage and get the last change at home will mean that they'll get the twins away from Chara more often and therefore will win the cup in 7. hear me now and believe me earlier than that.

the captain of the Winnipeg NHL franchise was in town yesterday and chances are very good that he'll sign a contract before he becomes a restricted free agent on July 1/11. that's only if you ask me, it's not like i have a pipeline to any inside info on this one but any Canadian kid would love to be the captain of a Canadian NHL team. your name would go down in history as the returning captain that returned NHL glory to the Peg so that's why i say he won't test the market, he'll just sign on the dotted line for a decent raise.

we don't get the SPACE channel since we've decided that basic cable is enough for us. that means that i don't get to watch Doctor Who though and i have to watch it online. unfortunately the site that loads it up needs to pause every 6 seconds to load. i've tried clearing out my cookies and the temp internet files but still no solution. it's more than a bit frustrating.

Mike Moustakas is the next big thing for what will be a steadily improving Kansas City Royals team. they have some young pitching on the scene, significant power at the corners and all they need to add now is a stud outfielder.

i came out my front door to check the mail one day this week and saw one of the student employees from work sitting on the front steps of the apartment building across the street. small world.

a Jewish acquiantance of mine asked me if he could bring something back from Israel for me and i suggested that if he were at the wailing wall he could say a prayer and leave the prayer note in the wall. how cool is that?

i wonder if i should do some of this stuff on Twitter? it just seems like such a trivial little hobby full of self important and unimportant thought that i don't want to add more to the morass of whatever it already is.

we went to Costco last week and i bought so much creamer for work that i suspect i will NEVER be able to use it all. i'll probably have to give it to someone when i retire in 13 years at the earliest. i wonder if coffee creamer has an expiration date?

someone who i never hear swear (because she really is a bit goody-goody ... and i mean that in a good way) mouthed a very real swear at me the other night. i was just so happy that she was willing to break the mold of perception that i just laughed out loud and gave her a huge hug. is it weird to be joyful after someone has just fired an F sharp your way?

it was wonderful to sit with friends and enjoy some nice conversation on Wednesday night. if you were there, thank you.

it is pure joy to pound the pedals after a long day's work ... many days this time of year i get to go ump a baseball game later in the evening. its a fun time of year for me.

i bought some beer for the Stanley Cup Finals. i don't drink much so when i can chill and celebrate a little its good to enjoy some Sleeman's at the same time.

you are loved. you are loved. you are loved.

when lightning flashes

2011-06-08T08:16:00.005-05:00

we laid in bed last night and i tried to coax myself to sleep when a flash of lightning lit up from the sides of the blinds in our bedroom window. a second later came the familiar rumble of thunder and i sighed.

we had to put our dog down last October and she had always been terrified of thunderstorms. we would keep her bed at the base of the stairs and there was a general rule that she couldn't come upstairs so that Wendy's allergies wouldn't be so out of control that she couldn't sleep. during a thunderstorm our terrified puppy would defy the rule, climb the stairs and try to sneak into our bedroom. it is during these nights that i would take the pup to the basement where she couldn't see the lightning flash in the windows and the thunder was stifled somewhat.

"i miss Maddie", i said.

"even though a night like this would've meant you slept in the basement?", Wendy asked. "i'm sorry Ian, I realize you love her and miss her."

i touched Wendy's hand and said "i'm sorry too honey, i realize you love and miss her too".

even after nearly 8 months that she's been gone i still pause when i get to the base of the stairs where her bed was or when i hear a dog barking as i get to my own door, or when lightning flashes outside my window.

Some Folks World

2011-06-02T08:19:00.004-05:00

this is an old Mark Heard tune that i found on Youtube that someone had edited their own film to. i've always loved the tune and the pics are a little dated but still poignant. i think i'll try to find a chord progression for this tune ... if someone has figured it out and put it online. i've recently begun playing a handful of Mark Heard tunes and having a good time with it. anyway, enjoy.

i've never lived in an NHL city before

2011-06-01T08:49:00.005-05:00

i'm the biggest hockey fan you know ... probably. i mean i know a lot of hardcore hockey fans and i don't think i'm the biggest hockey fan that I know but i'm kind of assuming that you don't know the same guys that i know.

i don't remember a time when i was not a hockey fan. like every other kid i played my share of street hockey with the boys where you had to learn the nuances of the self pass off the curb and the triple deke backhand top shelf jaw dropping showoff that becomes your centerpiece move. i grew in a small city halfway between Toronto and Montreal. it was a little burgh at the bottom of the Ottawa Valley that was very Loyalist politically and more loyalist to their hockey team. in my town everyone was either a Leafs fan or a Habs fan, until the time eventually came that the Senators joined the NHL and then loyalties shifted in town somewhat. when i was growing up though the Sens were not in existence so you loved your team and you hated the other one that was close by. my best friend was a Habs fan and i was a Leafs fan so we had our own little wars whenever the two clubs met for battle. i call them "Raspberry Wars" because whenever your team scored you'd give the other guy a very significant and saliva filled raspberry so that if your team got blown out then you'd need a shower after the game because you were covered in the other guy's spit. yeah, i know that's gross but i was 14 or so and you'd put up with a lot to support your team. unfortunately those were years that the Leafs were awful and the Habs were really good so i definitely put up with a LOT.

it used to be that folks from our church would go to Montreal once a year to watch the Oilers play the Habs. i wasn't terribly interested in the matchup but it was my first real NHL game so i wasn't going to miss out even if it meant that i could see this Gretzky guy play and cheer against the Habs for a couple hours. nobody seemed to be interested in going to Toronto for a game or getting tickets when the Leafs came to Montreal for a visit so i was actually an adult before i ever got tickets to attend a Leafs game and actually i had to win those since i was WAY too poor to afford tickets myself.

after high school i moved to Kitchener Ontario for Bible College and then i stayed there to work, get married and eventually attend the University of Waterloo. K-W was an excellent place to live but the only hockey fix i could get would be to go watch the Junior team play on Friday nights or to catch my Leafs on the tube on Saturday night. good luck trying to get tickets or afford tickets in the Toronto area. when i was dating and engaged to Wendy she was in college in Winnipeg and i actually came out to visit her on one occasion so she took me to the only Jets game i ever got to see. they played the Sabres and it was joy to see Hawerchuk play ... although they had just traded him to Buffalo to get Phil Housley so actually i never got to see the best Jet ever to play for the team while he was actually a Jet.

Wendy and i lived in Waterloo for 4 years before we began the trek west to find better work for us both. we lived for a miserable year in northwest Ontario and we finally moved to Winnipeg as the flood of '96 abated. that was also the very time that the Winnipeg Jets moved to Phoenix. i moved to town and the hockey team moves out, our moving van passed theirs on the way out of town (figuratively). not cool. i was pleased to be in Winnipeg, we became homeowners for the first time of our lives and we joined a marvelous church community that has been the best church experience of our adult lives but still, i had no hockey team i could watch except for continued Saturday nights on tv.

Winnipeg was all abuzz yesterday as it was announced that the NHL was returning to this city. today is the first day of my life in which i reside in the same place as an NHL team. it still isn't determined what the name of our NHL entry will be but i would say that 90% of Peggers are demanding that the team be named the Jets. there is some talk that the owners want to move in a new direction and avoid the stigma of failure that was associated with the Jets but in truth there is such abounding love for that team name that i don't see how they could possibly call the team anything but the Jets. the ticket prices are reasonable but at the same time it seems unlikely that we'll be spending more than enough for me to see a couple games per season. there's always a tv package of some kind though, maybe we could swing that more easily.

anyway, i'm a happy boy today. i wore my Jets jersey to work and it is definitely getting me noticed whenever i walk into a room. seriously, i'm the hit of the party just by showing up.

GO JETS GO

Celtic Prayer

2011-05-31T12:20:00.001-05:00

Like light dappling through the leaves of a tree
and wind stirring its branches,
like birdsong sounding from the heights of an orchard
and the scent of blossom after rainfall,
so you dapple and sound in the human soul,
so you stir into motion all that lives.
Let your graces of healing flow this night,
for my soul is wounded
and there is brokenness in my life.
Let you graces of healing flow, dear God,
for those whom I love are in need this night
and there are agonies in the life of the world.
There are agonies in the life of the world, O my soul,
and those whom I love are in pain.

h/t to Lisa

home

2011-05-27T07:01:00.004-05:00

Wendy came home from the hospital on Sunday evening and we've spent the week trying to help her feel better. i took some family leave from work and tried to determine ways i could help her without getting in her way.

i'm astounded by Wendy's strength. the night of her surgery she actually was able to take a stroll down the hospital hallway and she's just so independant that i've very literally said "i don't know how to help you" since she just does most things herself. she has graciously said that she'd let me know whenever she needs something.

there were a couple migraines this week, that's troublesome. on occasion she has said that her abdomen feels like she's done situps for hours. i'm concerned with her mood sometimes, so is she.

still it's great to have her at home. i love you Wendy.

Reasons why the rapture didn't happen

2011-05-23T11:12:00.009-05:00

1) Rapture? what Rapture?

pre-trip, pre-mill theology is actually only a little more than a couple hundred years old. we owe it to the dispensationalist types to have brought this brand of theology to the table. so what did Christians believe before that? something else. what if you don't believe in a rapture the way that the pre-trib folks do? what if you would package things up as a mid-trib or a post-trib type?
i personally believe in a kind of pan-trib/pan-mill theology, as in it'll all pan out in the end.

h/t Glocal Christianity

2) Matthew 24:36

"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."

i have to assume that now that Jesus is at the right hand of the Father he knows the day and the hour but when he said it, even he didn't know when he was coming back. isn't it the height of arrogance to assume that we could figure it out.

3) even bad publicity is publicity

i suspect that Mr. Camping knew that he wasn't going to get the day right but he got lots of people talking about it. that's apparently good because people hear him.

HOWEVER

way too many people took him seriously and blindly followed him. people quit their jobs, gave away their stuff and have gone to sit on a hill to wait for Jesus to return for them.
what kind of picture does this present to people who don't believe? what stumbling block is now in people's way because they could not join a faith that believes such things in such ways.

at the end of the day the path for the faithful has become rockier. how do i say to people that i believe when in their mind they think that i believe as this man does? how am i supposed to stand for a Christian faith when so many already think the faith is affiliated with superstition and foolish statements made by people who guarantee it in ways they cannot justify.

Lord have mercy on us all.

surgery update

2011-05-19T08:45:00.004-05:00

Wendy had major surgery yesterday. she was supposed to be done by 230 in the afternoon but there were some complications with pain management and then some stuff with her blood pressure so that she finally didn't go back to her room until 6 pm. in the meantime, i had no information at all and i stood around trying to be patient with my own powerlessness.

she's fine. her blood pressure returned to her usual textbook normal and we spent the evening chatting and talking. i was pretty amazed with how lucid she was for most of the evening actually. by the end of the evening she was getting pretty tired although she wasn't admitting it. she would pause mid-sentence and then not remember what she was talking about at all. if you know Wendy at all, that is very much not like her. the pain meds were significant and actually they had to consult with a doctor at the pain clinic to find out why the normal amount of pain meds wasn't touching her pain but that's Wendy, no half measures, pain through the roof and strength through the roof to match it all. i still can't believe how lucid she was with all that meds in her, and she even went for a stroll down the hallway! holy crap on a cracker!

she called me this morning and seemed really chipper. she actually woke me up which says to me that i slept more than she did last night, and i didn't have a huge incision on my abdomen. i had to call into work though, i'm taking family time off for what i expect will be about a week and a half.

my dear one, you are loved. you are loved. you are loved.

**** further update ********

i just came back from spending most of the day at the hospital. it turns out that Wendy didn't sleep at all last night although it's not because of pain. she dozed at periods during the day today and after i left for the day she had just dozed off for what i'm hoping is a lengthy sleep.

how cool is this?

2011-05-18T09:13:00.003-05:00

hee hee

h/t 22 words

Hannah

2011-05-16T16:52:00.005-05:00

you had your 12 year old blessing in our community yesterday and the women among us sat around a circle with you to bless you and give you their wisdom. i wasn't allowed to attend because i have the wrong chromosomes but i still wanted to be sure to bless you and help you where i could.

i've learned a couple things in the 30 years that have gone by since my 12th birthday, only a couple of things mind you. first of all, know that you are loved. your parents adore you and the extended family that is the church community around us not only loves you but we also really like you. you are wonderful and you're going to be even more wonderful as you grow into the beautiful woman that you will be.

i want to mention something that i've been thinking about when i consider how to bless a young one who is starting out on the journey of adult life.

i want you to remember you as you are right now. that may sound a bit lame but trust me you'll thank me in 30 years when you look back at this time. remember the you that you are right now as you become the wonderful woman you are to become.

i think of myself at 12. that kid had everything laid out in front of him and he had mad skillz to do what he wanted to do. he was a dreamer who could and wanted to make his own life what he wanted to make of it. i sometimes lose touch with that kid now that i'm 42, i forget the dreamer that he was and i sometimes don't believe that i can do the sorts of things that i never questioned of myself when i was 12 ... i don't always remember what that kid was like. i get weighed down by responsibilities and fears about how change can affect me.

you at 12 have everything laid out in front of you. everything is possible and whatever you can dream up, you could do. you have the same mad skillz that i did and that woman of 42 will probably have pieces of paper that talk about your mad skillz but she may not remember all the actual mad skillz that are there. that woman may forget who you are right now, so you have to remember who you are now so that you don't get to a place that you forget any of that information.

seriously, remember the you that you are right now. that woman in 30 years will thank you for remembering.

and if i'm still around in 30 years, you're required to thank me for this gem. now you HAVE to remember.

wait, i just realized i'm actually 44. crap, now the whole analogy is shot (oh wait, no it isn't).

i love you Hannah.

complete lack of invincibility

2011-05-12T09:19:00.000-05:00

remember when you were young and invincible? there was a time when i figured i could do anything and come out of it completely unharmed. i took some crazy chances in my own time, tell the truth, so did you. i suppose there still remains a foolish element in me, a guy who inexplicably does or at least considers something stupid just to see if he could get away with it. part of the reason why i'm still involved with competitive sports at my masters category age is because i still want to test myself and to be willing to prove that i'm not a worn out husk of a man. i guess it could be considered stupid to get behind the plate with a pitcher throwing in the 80 kph range with movement that breaks the plain or could break your arm; or it might even be stupider to get between two 300 lb linemen intent on ripping each other's arms off and beating the other guy about the head but i really do get a nice little endorphin rush out of it.

i've been having dizzy spells this week. i had 3 significant ones on Monday so that i went to the clinic about it. the doc there didn't know me but when i mentioned that my mother had a particular inner ear disease then she immediately latched on to the idea that i must have it too (although she never actually said it) and she prescribed a medication for treating that very disease. i'm loathe to take any medication whatsoever and it scares me a little that this is the place that she went to after just having met me. now another thing happened with her too, i mentioned some chest tightness to her when she asked when was the last time i had my blood pressure checked and she immediately put me in for an EKG which turned out to be completely normal so at least i know that my ticker is completely ok. i'm still perplexed about the prescription for a medication given when the only evidence was a little history, some dizziness and a little too much wax in my ears.

i discussed the whole thing with my dear one and she suggested that perhaps i should just go see our chiropractor to check out where my system was presently. i like our chiro a good bunch and he knows me very well so i thought this was a brilliant suggestion. it turns out it had been 2 yrs since i'd gone for an adjustment and he quickly found some serious out of whack parts in my system. my tibia, my pelvis, and several maladjustments in my neck were throwing my whole system out of whack. i had the system start to clean out and then i returned the next day for more cleaning out. i was actually feeling pretty good so that i went to work a baseball exhibition for men who get to throwing pretty hard. it was uneventful.

this morning i woke to more dizzy spells. i've been fine since i first woke up and even managed to bike to work with no problems but its still a bit worrisome. its a stressful time of life. Wendy has surgery next week and that's always in the foreground as we try to figure out what that will mean for the rest of our life together. it's that significant. as this is happening i try to work on my own issues and ambitions and try to get a grip on the sorts of changes i need to make or want to make for me and for us. i'm trying to stay busy, to rely on my community for the help that we're going to need.

and it was suggested in our seed group last night that we go read this post to see how it can affect you. it's a blog of a Vancouver man who has been tracing his battle with cancer and the end of his battle. his final post was pre-written by him and posted by his friends and family detailing the end of his battle.

life is fragile. i am fragile. i have a complete lack of invincibility as i look at life and plans and how things are or should be. the things of life are the things that i need to be pursuing. music, art, love, relationships, helping others along the path of this struggle, pulling people from a continual social sausage grinder, and various other challenges. yes, life is fragile but i can't hide from it. i have to adapt, i have to grow, to do otherwise is a greater sin.

i have loved you. i have loved you. i have loved you.

i'm struck by that.

yes, i'm fragile. i'm getting older and creakier ... but i will not be held back by that. i'm getting up and going after it. i'm not invincible but i'm not cowering either.

WOW

2011-05-09T12:28:00.003-05:00

h/t The Thinklings

Southland of the Heart

2011-05-06T13:08:00.002-05:00

When the wild-eyed dogs of day to day
Come snapping at your heels
And there's so much coming at you
That you don't know how to feel
When they've taken all your money
And then come back for your clothes
When your hands are full of thorns
But you can't quit groping for the rose

In the southland of the heart
Where night blooms perfume the breeze
Lie down
Take your rest with me

When thoughts you've tried to leave behind
Keep sniping from the dark
When the fire burns inside you but
You jump from every spark
When your heart's beset by memories
You wish you'd never made
When the sun comes up an enemy
And nothing gives you shade

In the southland of the heart
Where the saints go lazily
Lie down
Take your rest with me

When the preacher lays his insight down
And claims to lead the blind
When those you trust just get you hooked
And trifle with your mind
When the nightmare's creeping closer
And your wheels are in the mud
When everything's ambiguous
Except the taste of blood

In the southland of the heart
There's no question of degree
Lie down
Take your rest with me

In the southland of the heart
Everyone was always free
Lie down
Take your rest with me

no kittens were hurt in the making of this clip

2011-05-06T12:12:00.002-05:00

h/t 22 words

living in the lyrics

2011-05-06T09:06:00.004-05:00

our church community has been having an ongoing study on prayer and this week we discussed the place of music in a prayer life. many were talking about how music takes them to places of worship but more importantly it helps them express need and is akin to prayer as they agree and talk to God.

music is incredibly important to me. i have tunes all ALL THE TIME at work, although i leave it on my headphones so as not to bother my co-workers in the next cubicles. in truth though, most of my music ... isn't Christian ... in that Jesus' name isn't mentioned all that much as i listen to the lyrics. that doesn't mean that it isn't spiritual or it isn't moral because those elements are key to whether or not i like a tune. i listen to a lot of Bruce Cockburn, Bob Dylan, Yusef Islam (that would be Cat Stevens), plus a good deal of artists that fall into the Christian genre but who still seldom mention Jesus in their lyrics. most of the time i enjoy a tune because it speaks out on social justice issues, poverty issues, or just the God-sized vacuum that inhabits the soul. i guess you could say that i pray through lyrics many times, that i live in the lyrics.

i'm not sure that everyone gets that concept. the desire to be poetic, heroic, or just to rejoice or mourn in song gets deep into my heart. it's like those occasions when i try to explain the poetry of baseball to someone who just isn't a fan. they just don't get how baseball is a metaphor for life for me ... many of my reactions, my morals and thoughts can be directly linked back to songs that impact my life in some way. i really do live in the lyrics.

do you understand that? do you get just how deep that goes? music is a major source of life for me. i do like to have the radio on, i do like to have my music on shuffle just to see what i'll get.

that's where i live ... and pray ... and move ... and have my being.

an odd little moan

2011-05-04T11:52:00.002-05:00

i've been struck today in my quiet moments that i've been praying about my lack of any real attempt at praying. praying about my inability to pray certainly seems like a paradox to me.

it has felt like a bit of a malaise as i continue on. my writing is a prayer, my work is a prayer, my relationships are a prayer when i take the time to extend myself out and lift my head from my own self-absorption.

Lord have mercy.

Christ have mercy.

Lord have mercy.

a lot.

what to do about Osama?

2011-05-02T12:59:00.005-05:00

i'm not rejoicing at the death of Osama. we in the West viewed him as our enemy and it seemed at least that he hated the West. i suppose if he had met me he would've hated me but at the same time we are to love our enemies so i couldn't call him my enemy.

i opposed all wars over there. i oppose the ongoing war over there. i do not want my country involved in a war over there and i want them to come home.

friends do not let friends drop bombs on children. i saw that written on a peace sign once and i've always remembered it. i also agree with it.

i don't mean to imply that i agree with the politics of Al Quada, absolutely no. i just oppose war in all of its forms. i suppose its the peacekeeper in me, it's also the conflict avoider in me but i do not want to cause or see caused the harm of anyone in pursuit of any paradigm, even one that fits my own cultural system.

i'm a bit confused about what my reaction is to be. i certainly won't be gloating about the killing of a man, even one on the other side of opinion from me. i can't be thankful for that. a part of me isn't all that upset about it either though. that part of me scares me a lot because i could easily jump the gulf and be militant about things. but i don't want to be that guy.

so i really don't know what to do about Osama. aside from praying for peace i suppose.

aside from praying for peace.

May 2

2011-04-30T23:05:00.003-05:00

May 2nd is election day in Canada. we still have a 2 party system in Canada but that is only because the 3rd major party has never been in power. we have a right leaning party on the right and 4 other parties on the center or left. naturally there's a lot of vote splitting on the left that makes it so that we have only ever had 2 parties in power over the course of this great country's lifetime.

i come from a family history that does not vote. the reasoning is a spiritual one; they did not desire to be part of the world's system or to be out of the will of God so they did not vote in case they picked the party that did not win. this logic NEVER worked for me. from my youth i wanted to be involved in helping to choose the course of my own life and that meant engagement in discussions that were difficult to be a part of. i voted in the first election i was old enough to vote in and i have taken part in every election since.

i remember in my first election i went down to the Conservative party's office to ask some questions and have a discussion. my riding had been Conservative forever and i considered myself small "c" conservative in nature so it seemed like a good fit. i ended up voting Conservative in that election and it remains the only time that i did vote Conservative in my lifetime. i remember in those conversations in the Conservative office that someone said that they figured i was actually pretty much a Liberal as i discussed things and brought up questions. it's funny though, i've never voted Liberal in my lifetime.

i have voted for the New Democratic Party in every election i can recall. i came to that place after i figured that the trickle-down economic theory of right wing folks was just not working. if the rich never let anything trickle down then how could the poor ever get some help? one of the reasons that i went into social work was because i feel compelled to help the poor. i have some pretty strong opinions of small "c" conservative types who vote Conservative because they consider themselves conservative in nature. i see that among Christians in general and Christians in Western Canada in particular.

let me say this plainly ... if you are poor, the parties on the right side of the political spectrum are not looking out for you. the parties on the right are looking to prop up the big boys in this country in the hope that the big boys will in turn carry you along for the ride. what if the big boys just decide to be out for themselves? that's the inclination of the human heart isn't it?

the way i figure it, the big boys are big enough. i need to try and help the little guy. that means that i'll need to try and pick a political party that i think will try to protect the little guy.

the NDP in Canada has it's roots in unions and in co-ops. that speaks to me of the common human. they want to protect pensions and they want to help health care be more available across this country. that'll speak out for more folks who'll need to rely on their pensions and need to find a family doctor when they need it. the rich already have their own doctor standing by, it's the poor, the guys i see everyday who don't have a clue what they'll do if they get sick because they don't have access to a family doctor. i'm serious, i see that every STINKING DAY.

if you are poor in this country you have to decide who you're going to be behind. i am not poor in this country in truth. if you're reading this on your own computer then you're probably not poor either. let me urge you anyway to try and pick who you'll support for your own reasons. if my words help you decide then ... good. let me urge you further to do all you can to help the poor if you can, in every way you can.

i know how i'll be voting on May 2nd. make sure you vote too.

An Expert's Audit

2011-04-30T22:39:00.003-05:00

i write a monthly baseball column for Dobberbaseball.com during the baseball season and i write a monthly hockey column for Dobberhockey.com during the hockey season. here's my first column of the baseball season.

Welcome once again to An Expert’s Audit – baseball edition. In this article we take a look at the fantasy team of a reader to see if there are areas we can improve so that we’re moving down a winning road. At the very least it’s a month’s worth of conversations from one baseball fan to another. If you’re interested in getting your baseball team audited you can begin the procedure by emailing your league and team particulars to ian@dobberbaseball.com

Steve Kostoff is a golf pro. In all honesty my golf game sucks donkey balls so we didn’t have much to talk about in that area since I don’t like to admit that I’m not amazing at everything, I’m pretty shallow that way. It’s a good thing that we could focus on a baseball league instead. It’s not like I’m all skills on the diamond either, an appropriate nickname for me might be E6 but as far as this fantasy baseball thing is concerned … I’m actually pretty decent.

Steve plays in a 12 team 6x7 H2H keeper league with a couple category twists outside of standard. This league tracks R, HR, RBI, SB, AVG and OPS along with W, K, CG, SHO, SV, ERA, and WHIP. The extra pitching category makes your pitching that much more important and that’ll affect your auction and/or draft accordingly. Speaking personally for a second I like OBP more than OPS since it takes small ball into account better and I don’t like CG or SHO at all since they’re such rare categories that a small sample size (like 1 in a week) will default you an entire category in a championship matchup. Well anyway, nobody asks me about such things when they set up a league. In case you’re wondering about how to set it up the next time you’re putting it together then I suggest OBP and HLD to create a nice little 6x6. It should also be noted that this league has a 2 transaction per week maximum so that streaming/cycling is discouraged. If you don’t know what that is then you should probably find out, particularly if you’re in a H2H league.

Without further ado let’s take a look at Chasing Royalty.

C Buster Posey SF – this guy will be anchored into your lineup for the next decade. LOVE the idea of rostering this kid in a keeper. I’d resist just about every trade offer that comes in for this guy.

1b Prince Fielder MIL – he’s going to have a monster year. Hear me now and believe me now. He’s going to pad those stats so that he can pad his wallet in the offseason. Teams will be lining up to sign him and he’ll pretty much write his own ticket.

2b Juan Uribe SF – the AVG isn’t going to be anything that you’ll like for your team but who doesn’t want 20 HR pop out of a guy eligible at both MI slots? You’ll be living and dying with him for what will seem like an eternity before Utley is due to return.

SS Jose Reyes NYM – heaven help you if he gets injured because you don’t have anything to back yourself up with here … unless Utley returns. There is a lot of speed here at a scarce position so if he’s staying healthy then you get a big bonus.

3b Jose Batista TOR – he’ll break 50 again this year. What? Too soon to say something like that? I don’t care, I’m calling it now.

LF Luke Scott BAL – he’s asleep offensively but most of that is because he’s battling aches and pains already. I still expect 30 HR power from him this season but you’ll need to be patient.

CF Chris Young ARI – he K’s too much and the AVG hasn’t been anything to brag about in any of his seasons so far but there is some all around game here that is very appealing for fantasy. He’s got two 20/20 seasons and I see plenty of potential for a handful more.

RF Jason Heyward ATL – this kid is going to be special player. He was Minor League Player of the Year in 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him leap into elite OF status as soon as this season. He can easily anchor a fantasy outfield and that’s exactly what he is for your team.

UT Nick Swisher NYY – it is my belief that Swish can be a 30/100 option for the Yanks. He gets opportunity and he’s just plain streaky offensively. He’s also done virtually nothing through the first month of the season. I still believe but I’m just a dreamer that way.

BN Denard Span MIN – Most of his fantasy value is in SB’s but in a league like yours that also tracks OPS then his value is lessened because he has little extra base power. He’s a decent guy to keep around your bench so that you can spot start him while your regulars have a day off.

BN Coco Crisp OAK – he’s Denard Span except he’s old and brittle. I don’t think you need 2 guys of the same ilk on your bench so I’d look to move one of them somehow.

BN David Murphy TEX – he doesn’t get enough AB’s to have any real value for your team although I’m pretty sure there’s 20 HR power here. For the most part he has little value in a standard 12 team league though.

SP Felix Hernandez SEA – I’m thinking he’s got a shot at the title of best pitcher in the AL. He’s a fantastic anchor for any fantasy or real staff.

SP Wandy Rodriguez HOU – for each of the last 2 years Way-Rod has loved the home cooking going 16-8 at home and 9-16 on the road. So far this year he’s 0-1 at home and 1-2 on the road but the best bonus with Wandy is the nearly full K/IP that he puts up. If you’re after K’s then start him all the time but if you want all around numbers then I consider spot starting him on the road by taking into account his own history.

SP James Shields TB – four out his five starts have been QS’s and the last third of April has shaped up to be absolutely dominant. He’s most successful when he’s keeping the other team off balance by changing speeds. He’s more than solid right now but I’m not one to say that he’s the next Cy to come around. His value might not be higher this season than it is right now.

RP Jose Contreras PHI – when Lidge got shelved I expected Madson to step into the closer role. Now that Contreras is shelved then finally Madson got the job. Check out the waiver wire additions for a suggestion of a guy that we added to this fantasy team.

RP David Aardsma SEA – when he returns he’ll be a solid closer option … however the M’s offense is so poor that I don’t see loads of opportunity for him to get a bunch of saves. Still, he’ll be ok when he’s back.

P A.J. Burnett NYY – he goes in streaks and judging by how he has started the season this looks like it might be one of those really nice seasons for him. I like him for the K potential that he so very naturally puts together.

P Clayton Richard SD – he’s had 3 QS’s out of his 5 starts so far this season. He’s got an outside shot at doing some damage and making a little noise as a nice young option. However the drawback is that he’s pitching for the Friars so run support and W’s will be hard to come by.

P Anibal Sanchez FLA – I’m picking this guy as someone who could really break out this season. He’s only owned in 37% of yahoo leagues right now and he’s already got more K’s than IP. The window for having this guy on standard teams is closing and I’m telling you he could end up as the Fish #2 by season’s end.

P Johnny Cueto CIN – he’s been bringing down the ratios with every successive season and he still gets to start in front of an elite offense. I could see W’s in the low teens and his first start of the season could still happen right at the beginning of May.

BN Bud Norris HOU – he’s a fireballer who is getting more and more print. If he can keep his ratios low, which is kinda doubtful actually, then things will go well for him.

BN Brandon Webb TEX – he’s been gone for 2 years and he’s still several weeks away from helping any fantasy team. I’m staying FARRRRRR away from him in any format I can think of. I’ll need to see some signs of significant improvement before I’ll be adding him to my squad and that’s probably going to mean that he won’t be on my team since I’m not willing to gamble on him anymore.

BN Adam Wainwright STL – he’ll have zero value this year but this is a keeper league … so you might not want to just drop him either. Unfortunately there’s absolutely no guarantee that he’ll ever be again the pitcher he once was.

DL Chase Utley PHI – yes he’s an elite option at 2b but also he’s apparently made of china. I’d be shopping him to see what option you could get, particularly if you can land a 2b and an upgrade elsewhere.

It should be noted that just before I came on the scene with this team Steve traded C.J. Wilson and landed Chris Young. That certainly helped his OF a lot but it also hurt his pitching which is where most of the work needed to be done on this team. Having said that I certainly didn’t disapprove of that trade since CBY is an exceptional talent to secure in a keeper league who can easily turn into a 20/20 option for a lot of years to come.

Waiver Wire Options

Brian Matusz BAL – he was 7-1 from August through the beginning of October last season and I took that as a major sign that some big things are about to happen for this kid. I love the idea of adding a kid like this to a starting staff and by the middle of May you’ll begin to reap some benefit here.

Brennan Boesch DET – I couldn’t believe some of the poo-poo’ing going on over this kid. The lad’s got some skills and a hitting streak over the last half of April is just a little indication of what could be on the horizon. I could see a decent source of runs, a little bit of power and some decent bat control stats out of him.

Ryan Madson PHI – he’s quite possibly my favourite holds guy but when the closer role is in question then he gets a shot at some saves too. Presently he’s in the closer role and he’s got a decent shot at having more saves than holds by season’s end but either way they use him he’ll have plenty of MR stats available for many formats.

Sergio Santos CWS – the Pale Hose are a mess at the back end and right now Santos has taken the closer role so that I don’t see anybody taking it out of his hands anytime soon.

All of these options were added to your team and that started to improve your pitching and bench situations a good deal. You got yourself some saves coming in and you bolstered LF where Scott was hurting your team.

Trading Options

We needed to look at some OBP options who are affordable and it’ll always be wise to look at upgrading your pitching wherever possible.

You were in negotiations for a couple weeks to trade Chase Utley and A.J. Burnett to Twizzlo for Martin Prado and Brandon Morrow – negotiations continued but this article had to be submitted at the end of the month. I really do think there’s something that can be done here since Twizzlo has the flexibility in his lineup to wait for Utley to return and he’d get the better 2b option when he does return. In the meantime Steve could roster an excellent young 2b with decent stats while he pursued the better K pitcher coming out of this deal.

Conclusions

It’s always fun to make moves but my first reaction in the first month of play is to refrain from transactions until you know what it is that you have. Now having said that, your team absolutely needed to make some moves in the early going because you didn’t have options available to you where you needed them. You had to add some pitching because you were drastically short there, you had no real RP options at all. Your stat cats focus more on SP options but you really needed to pursue 2 RP options so that you might squeek out a win in Saves from week to week.

The addition of Matusz off the wire is going to be significant for your team when he’s back on the bump. He really turned a corner over the last third of the season last year and the O’s have beefed up their offense this year. He’ll still have to compete in the AL East which is a daunting task for any hurler but I’m really taking that 2 month period last season as a significant sign that he’s on the verge of some big things.

As for the suggested trade, negotiations continue. You’re offering up a stud 2b in a keeper in order to get a really underrated OPS option eligible at 2b and the better pitcher in the offing. The options available to try and trade for include Shawn Marcum or Max Scherzer and you can certainly build an offer that includes A.J. Burnett or James Shields.

Well, off you go there golf pro. Your team is underway and you’re already in 1stt place. You’ll be fine kid.

monthly fantasy baseball updates

2011-04-29T09:19:00.006-05:00

i'm REALLY into baseball and i play fantasy sports in pretty much every major sport. after one month of play in the baseball season i stand in various places with each of 7 fantasy baseball teams.

i'm in 1st place in the Dobberbaseball Readers League. this is a league that i was "asked" to host after i finished a dismal 11th last year in the Expert's League. i've made some pretty shrewd pickups in my opinion and i look to be only one of a few who have seemed to have figured out the league settings here. it's pretty key to have enough SP's to get you to 200 starts on the season and everything else is unlimited. i traded Shawn Marcum for Victor Martinez because i'll easily hit my 200 starts quota and i was desperately in need of an elite catcher.

i'm in 2nd place in my work league full of folks who work in my building. i won the hockey league with these same folks and i'm the reigning champ in this baseball league. i haven't even looked at any trading options here yet because a lot of what i need i've found on the waiver wire. i'm also buried in injuries in this league but i'm hoping to trade for some more pitching once my hitters come back to form.

i'm in 5th place in my H2H 20 team dynasty league. i took over this team last year and took a 14th place team up to 9th by season's end. the growth has continued although i still don't consider myself a top team here. i'm hoping to finish top 6 this season but we'll see.

i'm in 1st place in my CanAm fantasy point league. i realized too late last year just how important starting pitching is so at season's end last year i loaded up on young pitching and just hung on to them to start this season. my pitching is leading the way for me and my sticks are decent enough to keep me in the lead so far. i'm hopeful.

i'm in 1st place in my H2H World League. this is a league i've been in for about a decade full of guys i've never met but it has always been competitive so i've stayed in it. i'm not a big fan of H2H leagues but i've won this league like 4 of the last 5 years or something so there's no way i'm complaining about it now.

i'm in 10th place in my roto World League. this is ironic because this would be the World League that i'd actually prefer to win and actually did win in back to back years ... 3 seasons ago. i just can't seem to figure out the right mix of players in this league and i hate languishing near the bottom of any baseball league.

i'm in 11th place in my 14 team H2H league. i care about this league the least actually but i made a trade last week to add a good young hitter in Ike Davis and all it cost me was Zach Britton who i believe will drop off in stats over the course of the season. i expect to be moving up in this league and i should be competitive over the course of the season.

Darth Lebowski

2011-04-28T11:50:00.003-05:00

h/t to 22 words

An Enneagram question

2011-04-27T12:41:00.004-05:00

so if i assume that i am a 9 with a 1 wing ... as i move to a healthy space i move to 3 but does my wing also move? i ask this because i keep seeing parts of me that seem very 3ish with a 4 wing.

is that possible?

one of the problems that i have with the idea of being a 9 is that they view themselves as "nobody special" and that just doesn't fit me. i do have a significant part of me that screams "i am special, notice me!" and that's very 4 of me.

just a pondering recently.

ok, i've just read a bunch of stuff about the 4 and i'm convinced that i'm not nearly flambouyant enough to be a 4. i'm not saying that i can't have a 4 wing though, that's still possible.

Mortimer the pig farmer - in Memoriam

2011-04-26T12:42:00.004-05:00

way back in the day i was the intern pastor at a small rural church for the summer of 1988. it was the summer before my 4th year at Bible College. i was sent to this small church to learn from a pastor to see what church life really is. it was a time when i would've liked to have worked in the church after leaving school, perhaps doing missions, maybe doing youth work ... i actually didn't know what direction i would go. i was put in a small office that doubled as a library and storage space at the front of the church, right next to the organ in the sanctuary. i would only work half days in the church and i'd go work as a hired hand at the pig farm of the Chairman of the Board at the church.

i used to love to tell the children's story to the kids before they shuffled off to Children's church while the rest of us endured the sermon on a Sunday morning. i would do my best to try and take spiritual concepts and bring them down in understanding so that the smallest of the little ones could understand that God loved them. one Sunday morning i told the story of Mortimer the pig farm owner and the handsome young hired hand that he had working for him. it was a lesson on looking out for one another and it was a thinly veiled story to poke a little fun at the chairman of the board and the beautiful friendship that was developing between us. i don't believe the kids got who it was that i was talking about but they weren't supposed to anyway, i was trying to speak to the adults while i was expressing a spiritual truth to the kids at the same time.

my good friend Glenn, the Chairman of the Board, Mortimer the pig farm owner passed away last week. we sent word to his wife of our love for Glenn and just how much i will truly miss the man. that summer was torturous. the pastor i was supposed to learn from was removed from his job amid a huge cloud of controversy and i was left under the good care of the church board in general, and the chairman of the board specifically. Glenn was a bright light who heard me in my struggles and easily forgave the sins of youth in me. he encouraged a kid who worked on a farm for the first real time of his life and he gave me room to find ways to belong in a space that was sorely wanting for direction and life. i watered trees, painted buildings, moved, fed and marked pigs in my own creative ways and all the while he just smiled and shook his head at just how different this kid was for this environment he had been trapped in. Glenn didn't really understand me but he was perfectly fine with the idea that he didn't have to. he just let me run with whatever it was that i am. he was the perfect foil for what i needed that summer and it was a summer that changed me in that i gained some freedom to be more than what i might've been otherwise.

i will miss you Mortimer. thank you and i'll see you again my friend.

The Lord is Risen!

2011-04-26T11:58:00.003-05:00

He is Risen INDEED.

i was dreading Easter and was hoping for it at the same time. what if i got through the dreadgery of Lent and there was no light at the end of my long night? what if God was not faithful? what if there was no resurrection after my mourning? what if i was doomed to be forgotten and left to sit outside in my darkness forever?

i'm not saying that i have definitely reached my emotional Easter morning but i do see more light of late. my relationship with Wendy has seen much more light as we've each studied more of what it's like to be sharing a life with a person of our particular type. she has most definitely been reacting differently to me over the last month or so and it has budded into some new paths of relating to one another. i've enjoyed that my love, thank you.

it's a brighter day. i raced to the tomb and i found it empty. He is risen INDEED.

i spent my Holy Week with friends, talking about spiritual things. some reached me on levels that few reach me. i basked in their joy, i shared their light and they hugged me.

Good Friday was more pleading for Sunday morning. prayers continued that the Wind of Gabriel would blow on the hollow bones (thank you Mark Heard). Good Friday service continued the somber feelings of my previous 6 months ... a continued longing for light and resurrection.

Sunday was coming. i just had to sit and mourn, wait and pray. yes i have done a lot of waiting and praying.

i was on sound for our 830am Easter service so i was the first on the scene at church. as i opened the door the rector of the church who hosts our community in her building pulled up so she could prepare for a big day in any church's life. she looked at me and smiled her beaming smile to say "THE LORD IS RISEN!" and to hear from me in a beaming response "HE IS RISEN INDEED". she had no real idea of my pain over this period, or the joy in being able to say that and search for light on that morning. i hugged her and thanked her for sharing her light with me on this morning.

the church is a beautiful thing. we share our lives and we help each other along the path.

Wendy, Craig, Jane, Roger, Lyle, Kerry, Reba, Ed, Stu, Kathy, James, Rob, Dorothy, Norm you all have reached me in the last week. you have all touched me and brought me light. you helped me make it to Easter morning and although you didn't all say the words that the Lord is Risen, your lives all spoke the words to me and my burdens are less today because of it. i have not arrived, i just see the light of morning a little more clearly. i was never alone, even when i thought i was a xenophobic wonder.

He is Risen Indeed.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

2011-04-23T16:38:00.003-05:00

the following is a guest post from a member in our community that i absolutely ADORE. Jane is like your favourite aunt, the kind of woman who you want to make proud of you and who will do all she can to reach and help you. we have continued our Film Fest "Jesus in our Living Rooms" and we went to Jane's place to see The Greatest Story Ever Told. after the movie she related this story and drew a line to how Jesus must've been seen in his travels. she's a gem and i love her dearly.

I realize you get what you pay for, so to speak, and that includes leading worship. If you are the leader, you reap the biggest rewards, not in the actual experience itself, but in all that leads up to it. The pay off is beforehand.
I have never led a Good Friday service before in our church community.
But for the last few weeks my antenna have been up……seeing meaning in many things that might have passed me by. Also added the worship prep is the series of movies our church has been holding in Holy Week, one or two a day from Wednesday to Saturday, with the theme of Jesus in there somewhere….sometimes more blatant than other times. Wednesday night we saw Cool Hand Luke. Beautiful colors and photography and a of subtle Jesus imagery that I missed the first time I saw it. But I didn’t have my antenna up when I watched it back then.
So Thursday I was trying to get to Superstore early, to beat the crowd and get my Easter fruit and chocolate duties accomplished. I stopped at the light, tapping my fingers on the wheel and glanced out the passenger window. There, walking briskly and purposefully through the grass on the boulevard was a young man, maybe mid thirties with a scarf tied around his head. My first thought was “gang bandanas”, then I looked down. He was wearing two long sleeved T-shirts with a dress shirt over top, cuffs undone and open at the front. I continued to look down. Grey jeans rolled up at the ankles and socks and runners. In his hand was a large brown leather bag, kind of like what a middle aged woman would carry in the 1960’s. Mmm…. I summed him up…not a gang type, not gay, poor and probably had some mental issues. Such a purposeful walk though. Where was he going? The light changed. Superstore was in sight. My foot was on the gas but he lingered on in my mind. Again, the gift of being tuned in, I think……which when it happens is truly grace…..would I have given this man a second look had he been walking purposefully on the sidewalk, dressed in a business suit and with an attaché case in his hand? How weird did Jesus look to those who just saw him passing by? Was he quickly written off as, “just a little off”? Poor and a few mental issues? I have returned to thinking about that 30 something year old often in these past few days. Who can ever know where God is? Who can ever know what God looks like? Who can ever know?

Cool Hand Luke

2011-04-21T16:32:00.006-05:00

the following is a guest post from my buddy Craig. i love to sit and talk with Craig and just pick his brain on many topics but there are a select few topics that i just know i can ask for his opinion and sit back to enjoy the ride. one of those topics is movies; particularly movies that speak out spiritually for those who are keen enough to see it. Craig is a keener. recently Craig has been the impetus behind our church-community's Jesus in our Living Room Film Fest and last night was the first night in what is certain to be a Fest indeed. when i heard that Cool Hand Luke was the opening flick to the Fest my first thought was, what does that have to do with Jesus? i've seen that movie ... and i don't think Jesus is mentioned in a good term once. Craig and Cool Hand Luke surprised me as i journeyed my way through an unexpected Jesus story.

Great books require repeated readings to really be appreciated - I read somewhere that if you want to understand a book you should read it seven times. I couldn't think of any books I have read that many times (except maybe, Cat in the Hat), but I do know of movies I have seen at least that many times.
Last night I watched Cool Hand Luke for maybe the 12th time (approximately). This is a movie where I know every scene, and a lot of the dialogue. And like a great book it continues to reveal things. Now, there are many essays and pieces of film criticism on the internet about the symbolism of this film (just google the title and Christian and you will see what I mean), so in this short post I am not going to name all the cross symbols, communion symbols, and assorted scriptures that may or may not be referred to (the screenwriters have consistently denied such allegorical claims). Rather I'd like to talk about "following."
Regardless of your religious bend, Cool Hand Luke's story is familiar. It is a story about a leader that rises, gathers followers, is eventually rejected, dies (sorry: spoiler), and the followers are left with only their stories. What struck me on this viewing was the needs of those followers, in this case the prisoners - an apt metaphor if there ever was one. They needed someone to rise above to show them the way. When Dragline (Luke's prison mate, in George Kennedy's best role of all time) asks, "Well, what are we going to do now?", I am reminded of Frodo saying he will take the ring, but he doesn't know the way. It is in our nature to look to leaders to show us the way - and we all need those leaders, from the weakest to the strongest personality types. Just as true, we will turn away and reject those leaders when they fall. Luke succumbs to the Boss - he cries out to not be hit anymore, and that his mind is right. It is a hard scene to watch, both because of Luke's pain, and because of the rejection of his followers - who we believe would react the same way to the beating down. Luke comes back to the bunkhouse, stripped of his humanity, physically and emotionally demoralized. His cry, "Where are you now?", is chilling.
I couldn't say what this taught me about myself, how this parable of a movie works on my soul (as I think the great movies do). But during Holy Week, as I ponder the life of a carpenter a couple of millennia ago, I find myself asking the world, and more importantly, myself, "Where are you now?"

... sitting in the dark ... in silence

2011-04-19T12:16:00.007-05:00

sitting with writer's block trying to figure out why it is that i get so preoccupied with my fears and anxieties. just when i figured i had cleared an emotional hurdle and was ok with it then i end up right back in the same place having to answer the same emotional questions about why i feel what i feel or don't feel what i should feel. i sit here on my lunch break and try to sort what is either anxiety that i carry around in my chest or is it indigestion from the turkey sandwich i just scarfed down.
the chapter from McLaren's "A New Kind of Christianity" that we discussed last night had to do with "what do we do now that we've asked all these questions of ourselves and our journey?" and for me the chapter boiled down to "Include and Transcend". i have had a long journey over the last couple years that has tried to be inclusive and tried to rise above a simple reading of my life and faith. i've struggled to know what it means to include but i've tried to be merciful and i've tried to preach the beauties of mercy and justice around me. transcending has been harder for me. i don't move easily. i don't change easily. i also don't wait nicely. it is insanely hard for me to sit and trust and wait for an answer. sitting in the dark, in silence has not been a pretty experience for me.
God, do you hear me? am i alone here? will my fears swallow me up? will this garden burst forth or will i sit in the wilderness longer? will i continue to sit here in the dark? is there a crack of light anywhere?
this is Holy Week but for me the last season has been one long night before Easter morning. at least i'm hoping that Easter morning is close by. i can't be sure. i long for resurrection. i'm crying out for new birth ... i just wonder if i still want it on my own terms or not. but God doesn't work that way, does he? i couldn't dream up the good things that he promises are there.
someone send some hope my way. bring a light and sit with me awhile ... til the morning comes. you don't need to say much, or anything actually. just sit and let's share the light.

sometimes i just need to write stuff down and get it out of my soul. some things just feel like poison inside me and i need to burst my soul open so that i can bleed out the pain.
pray for me. it's dark outside and i have a long way to go yet.

Lord have mercy.

Jesus in our Living Rooms

2011-04-18T08:17:00.001-05:00

i'll be there as often as i can. i'll try to bring popcorn too.

the history of 11 Doctor Who

2011-04-17T09:18:00.001-05:00

a Buddhist prayer in this moment

2011-04-13T14:14:00.001-05:00

May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I be at ease.
May I be free from harm.

i wish i could pray more and pray better. i just hang on and wait.

what's on my mind?

2011-04-13T11:54:00.002-05:00

things heard during worship

2011-04-12T13:15:00.001-05:00

the valley of death.

"It is the essence of God to take dead things and to bring them back to life."

i want to see Lazarus brought back in my life. i want to be brought back from the brink, from the margins, from the ledge.

priorities, obligation and expectation

2011-04-11T11:59:00.003-05:00

this came up in a discussion with my wife last night. my football assignor emailed me to ask if i'd be available to work a football game on an upcoming Sunday morning but this would directly conflict with Sunday morning worship. i asked for Wendy's opinion and she stated that it's something that could be done but not something that should be done regularly since we've made a commitment to our church community that should be honoured.

i looked at her quizzically and didn't make the argument that came through my head. here's my argument.

haven't i also made commitments to other things in my life? don't i get to choose my priorities and go to those places that give me the most joy? aren't i the one who gets to choose my own path?

yes i have. yes i can. yes i do.

if someone were to ask me why it is that i'm not in worship on a given Sunday morning then my answer would be quite honest ... because i was reffing a football game ... or i was umping a baseball game ... or i was sitting at home watching tv, or reading a book or enjoying a cup of coffee and a lazy morning around the house. my point is that i get to make that decision and i get to move in directions where i think i will find the most for my life in that time.

yes i realize there is selfishness attached to the words i'm writing here but i'm not saying that i'm not going to go to church. i'm saying that i will choose where i think i can be best served given my priorities and desires in my live and in a given moment. many times my choice is going to be to sit in my regular chair in the front right of our little semi-circle of our community but sometimes the right position for me is to be 8 yards behind the quarterback with a flag in my pocket and a whistle in my hand.

i'm at a stage where i'm reacting to the "rules" right now. i'm sure that my obligations will remain in place as i set my own priorities. if anyone is inquiring into my whereabouts i'll be very honest about where my priorities sit at any given time. so i'll be reffing a football game on an upcoming Sunday morning if i actually get assigned to it. it could be that i won't get assigned in which case i'll likely be sitting in my regular chair in my regular spot in my regular circle. but that will also be my choice, and i'll worship in my own way sometimes.

making the rounds

2011-04-08T10:31:00.003-05:00

i heard a story this week about a man who had the exact same name (except with the first and middle names reversed) as another man who died in a traffic accident this week. he was saying that he had to make numerous phone calls to family and friends to assure them that he was indeed fine and safe. he even called agencies he was involved with to be sure that they knew that he was fine. amidst all his anxiety and all his family's anxiety he had to "make the rounds" of his life to assure people that he was fine.

this week we talked about prayer in my church community and i thought about how it is that i pray when i'm spiritually healthy vs how i pray when i'm spiritually decrepid. i "make the rounds" when i'm spiritually healthy. my favourite way to pray is when i'm on the bike as i commute to work. i pray for those that i love as i pass the street on which they live, it's one of the great things about being apart of a community that encourages each other to live nearby one another. i started riding my bike to work yesterday and it was a giddy experience to pound the pedals as i rode the dirty streets of Winnipeg amidst melting snow and ice and the leftovers of sand that has blanketed our roads for 5 months. it's a dirty, wet ride that i have LOVED for the past two days. it's difficult to "make the rounds" on the bus because everything happens so fast as i whiz past the streets of those i love plus i have found it difficult to pray while life has been so cumbersome for me for the last several months.

being on the bike has helped me pray though. at least a little.

a friend reminded me today, "You are just realizing that you are the only one that can fix you. It may seem like a lot but it is necessary to keep going inward. You will make it past the empty and the anger and the sadness to a soft gentle place that is the truth of who you are. It is worth it. Keep going."

i'm still chewing on that.

solitariness has helped me go inward, to explore my loneliness, my aloneness and the feelings of rejection and abandonment that i have felt. it also has helped me to make the rounds, even if making the rounds has meant building up the walls of my own existence and self worth and all the praying i do is just about trying to fix me.

i saw another friend today and i told him that i am struggling. i'm hoping that he's making the rounds too.

foolish boy

2011-04-06T07:52:00.003-05:00

some days i say and think and do the stupidest things.

i am a fool. i put my index finger between my lips and run it up and down with a bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb.

i guess i better work on that stuff a little.

mmmm ... Beer

2011-04-04T12:06:00.002-05:00

Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion...

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

h/t Hackman's Musings

note to self

2011-04-01T12:32:00.002-05:00

be passionate. dream, live and enjoy.

expressing need

2011-03-31T12:37:00.004-05:00

i'm a pauper in this area. often i don't say what i need because i'm afraid of what the hearer may think of me. i then choose asceticism and i get chained up in rules about things i don't have and on some level i believe i don't deserve. i think of the man that i am in light of expectation of what my parents pushed at me.
let me be honest about that ... Mom and Dad ... i am not the man that you expected i would be. i'm not a tea-todler (not sure how you spell that), although i do enjoy tea ... but i also enjoy beer, much more than tea actually. i swear when i'm angry and i've been angry a lot over the last year. i'm spiritually weak sometimes but i'm also completely ok with concepts like doubt in that area too. there are some basic spiritual tenets that i no longer hold to, and i'm fine with the idea that the cut and dry pat answer does absolutely nothing for me anymore.
i'm tired of behaving a certain way because i don't want someone to think less of me. i won't keep up masks the same way, in fact i don't want to keep up masks at all. i will believe, but i will decide what and how i believe. if it stings that i don't follow the rules of what a good Christian lad should be doing then i guess i won't be a good Christian lad. those are rules that i don't want part of anymore.
i will choose how i will be. i will try to express what i need more and i will try not to worry about what other's think of that need. i do deserve to have my needs met ... and i deserve the chance to meet needs too. it should be an expectation shouldn't it?

i deserve love. i deserve happiness. i deserve to choose my path. the Spirit helps me decide what the rules are, just like she helps you decide these things too. the field is wide open, i am not an amoral man and i can determine what i need.

i deserve to have my needs met. so do you.

Coming Home

2011-03-29T08:10:00.003-05:00

i've had the Skylar portion of Diddy's song "Coming Home" (that would be the chorus) going through my head for about 24 hours now. the Diddy portion of the tune is actually decent if you ask me, he gets introspective and there are definite portions when he spoke to me but still ... Skylar speaks to me most here.

I'm Coming Home, Coming Home
Tell the World I'm Coming Home
Let the Rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday
I know my Kingdom awaits, and they've forgiven my mistakes.
I'm Coming Home, Coming Home
Tell the World I'm Coming Home

it's fine for me to be thinking on this thought during Lent when i'm supposed to be considering my own introspection, my own return home ... to God ... to my life ... to my world. i woke at 445 this morning and laid in bed til 530 and thought. i've been thinking too much lately actually. it's mostly about worry about what is ahead and where things are going and how to adjust to change or even if i can.
so i got up. i had to go to the S's place this morning to check in on their pup while they're away for a couple days, i'll be back there after work too. the pup's a thrill because she acts like i'm her guy and in many ways ... i am ... she's my pup too.

sometimes i just find that life is so hard

but

I'm Coming Home, Coming Home
Tell the World I'm Coming Home
Let the Rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday
I know my Kingdom awaits, and they've forgiven my mistakes.
I'm Coming Home, Coming Home
Tell the World I'm Coming Home

the meaning is in the struggle

2011-03-25T08:28:00.005-05:00

i sat down for coffee with a friend who has been down similar paths as me, and we discussed our struggles as they have related to one another. we both have had spouses who have fought hard against physical, mental and emotional ailments and we talked about how that affected each of our own physical, mental and emotional makeup. i didn't know why God had led me to talk to G but it was an overwhelming feeling that i needed to talk to him. we barely knew each other so it wasn't an easy thing for me to approach him about it. we sat in a coffee house drinking decaf Americano's while i tried to express what was on my heart.

G is a songwriter and he has the heart of a poet. i am a dreamer who longs to be poetic but finds it hard to find words to the emotion that flows easily from me of late.

he said "I've given up worrying about happiness" and it floored me a little. he was saying that the meaning of it all is found in the struggle together. life is hard and it'll kick you in teeth sometimes but the meaning, the fulfillment, the joy and most of all the hope of life can be found as we struggle to find God in our relationships.

i have most definitely struggled of late but i have also seen some small rays of hope. to be honest even the arrival of hope scared me this week because i've been sitting in the dark so long now that the presence of light caused me to ask what this would mean for my life. i couldn't believe that i was seeing sights of things that i have longed for, prayed for and screamed at God for but i feared that i might actually get what i was looking for. the anxiety from this week was been pretty bad but in a weird way because i had an indication that things may go in a GOOD direction for my life.

i've doubted if my faith was strong enough to carry me. i've doubted if i wanted to be in this place or if i wanted to go the direction i have been saying i want to go. i've feared, even mourned those paths that i could've gone on and if hope blossoms then i can't believe that i've actually feared and mourned that i won't be able to go the directions that i didn't want to go.

i still don't know how to cross the mountains ahead. i still don't know how to address those things that must be addressed. i'm trying to address my own stuff and work on that.

and i'm finding meaning in the struggle.

confession

2011-03-23T12:37:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I'll ever be the man that you need me to be.

- Ian

what Henri is saying to me

2011-03-21T14:33:00.003-05:00

i continue to read "The Inner Voice of Love" by Henri Nouwen. here's the latest excerpt that reached me.

See Yourself Truthfully

You continue struggling to see your own truth. When people who know your heart well and love you dearly say that you are a child of God, that God has entered deeply into your being, and that you are offering much of God to others, you hear these statements as pep talks. You don't believe that these people are really seeing what they are saying.
You have to start seeing yourself as your truthful friends see you. As long as you remain blind to your own truth, you keep putting yourself down and referring to everyone else as better, holier, and more loved than you are. You look up to everyone in whom you see goodness, beauty, and love because you do not see any of those qualities in yourself. As a result, you begin leaning on others without realizing that you have everything you need to stand on your own feet.
You cannot force things, however. You cannot make yourself see what others see. You cannot fully claim yourself when parts of you are still wayward. You have to acknowledge where you are and affirm that place. You have to be willing to live your loneliness, your incompleteness, your lack of total incarnation fearlessly, and trust that God will give you the people to keep showing you the truth of who are.