it's been over 2 months since I wrote anything here and I just had to make some sort of a comment on my situation.
I commuted to work on my bike today. first time this year. as Easter came and went the weather was mild so that the 4 foot snowbank in the front yard shrunk down to 6 inches of dirty snow and ice over the course of a 4 day long weekend for me. I had the day off yesterday as part of Easter so one of my assignments for the day was to take both bikes up to the gas station and make sure that the tires have the correct PSI in them to take us into spring. it was nice to be out yesterday but the thrill of the morning commute to work was a nice topping to a mild with a slight bite 1 degree morning.
Easter morning service was nice. I like Easter morning. There's a traditional dance that a few select members of the community do to "Was it a morning like this?" on Easter morning and every year I like watching it get performed. I suppose I enjoy it a lot because I don't have to do it. Dancing as art is beautiful but I just don't have the skills or experience to pull it off. I've never been asked to perform it and actually I don't see a scenario where I'd say yes to that question. It's one of the things that my church community does that I just have no interest in doing myself. I enjoy watching it a lot but I don't want to do it myself. There's just a vulnerability there that I'm not comfortable with on top of the complete anxiety of having to be in the limelight like that.
anyway, this year they decided to do something different with the Easter dance. no one "performed" it, it was done as a group dance activity. I thought at the time that it must've been because nobody volunteered to do the dance this year but Wendy's perspective was actually that for a lot of years some people have been requesting more opportunities for communal dance for the community as a whole. I didn't ... couldn't participate in the communal dance ... and in all honesty I thought the exercise was a flop. I wonder if my perspective that the dance was a flop is just a reflection of not wanting to be a part of the dance and unwillingness to enter the spotlight to ensure that our rituals remained the same. I wasn't asked to perform the dance but I would've said no anyway. I didn't join in on the communal dance but I've never really dealt with my own uncomfortable feelings over issues like that in my community. I don't believe that I'm responsible for my own feelings that the ritual failed but I also didn't invest in the ritual outside of the investment of spectator. I never have invested in that area outside of the investment of spectator. I'm not saying that I'm willing to do the dance myself in the future, I'm just not there. All that I'm saying is that I missed how it used to be done. I enjoyed how it used to be done immensely. I have to come to grips with it all.
non-involvement is going to mean that I have no say whatsoever in how things turn out. on one level I freely admit that i'm not in a place where I should make decisions for the group since i'm having a hard time keeping my own crap together but that also carries the price that things may not be as I want them to be. I don't have the capacity to invest more right now though.
I think I should just sit with this for awhile.