prayer

it is during the anxious times of waiting to see if i will get what i want that i find i pray the most.  that's not how i want to be though.  i don't want to treat God like a magic genie who's job it is to provide me with my 3 wishes, the first of which would be to have unlimited wishes.  prayer should be about the search for balance on my daily journey and the ability to adapt to the changing circumstances that come my way.  sometimes i'm pleased to say that i live in that balance and i commune with God and all around me but there are other days where i live in the anxiety of what could be and what i would like to be.
i interviewed for a supervisor's position yesterday.  there are 2 positions available and the Ian who's interested in growth would very much like to take on the challenge of one of those positions.  i really do believe that i'm the right choice and i want those in authority to recognize it also.  at the same time however, there are many folks who could/would be good choices.
oh to live in contentedness.  actually, i do live in contentedness.  i'm happy where i am but i also want to see growth in this plant that is earthed in fertile ground with a temperate climate and a caregiver who wants good things for me.
no more magic genie stuff though.  give me balance God.

updates

it looks like i haven't written here in 5 months.  don't take it personally, i've been really busy and life is stressful on a regular basis. 
we're renovating, i'm applying for a supervisor's job and Wendy and i don't always work well together when something needs to get done because i think we both like to run the show.  i'm the more laid-back one but i think i find it hard to take direction from one i love.  i really must work on that.
our renovations will include a complete revamping of half of the house and an addition on the back.  i'll remain living at the house while the work goes on too.  it looks like i'll never be able to retire and i sure hope our contractors 2 children appreciate the fact that essentially i'll be putting them through college paying off this bill.  the work is a necessity however.  it is a hope that we can create an environment that is more Wendy-friendly that includes much less of the materials that Wendy reacts to with her sensitivities and creates an oasis where she can survive.
i have an interview for a supervisor's position tomorrow.  it has been a bit of an adventure for me to try to figure out the place of ambition in my life.  i'm happy in my work, i'm good at my work and i worry that if i seek to change my situation i might upset the apple cart as it were.  growth is a good thing though and that's why i'm working on it.  part of me trusts that i'll be led where i need to go and part of me just says it isn't about being led at all and whatever would be is a good place to be.  a statement like that would've boggled the Ian of 20 years ago since he really held to the idea of the grand scheme of things and God leading us by the hand.  the Ian of today probably accepts that God wants good things for his children and is more concerned with just how open i am to the twists and turns of life.  i think its more about sensitivity to the things around you then it is a concern about staying where God you to be.  God can use us wherever we are so concentrate on things that give fulfillment, on places that give you life.  screw the "rules", God is bigger than the rules.  ok, sermon over.
baseball season has started up for me so that means i'm heading into the busiest time of the year.  not exactly great timing in light of all the other stresses in my life.  adapt or die though.  it's a good thing that i have a really good support structure and decent coping mechanisms in place.

give it away

                                 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3y1FZ3gQvc&feature=share&list=PL3A7840C43D14D891

Slid out of my dreams like a baby out of the nurse's hands
Onto the hard floor of day
I'd been wearing OJ's gloves and I couldn't get them off
It was too early but I couldn't sleep
Showered and dressed, stepped out into the heat
The parrot things on the porch next door
Announced my arrival on Chartres Street
With their finest rendition of squealing brakes
Down in Kaldi's caf the newspaper headlines promised new revelations
Concerning Prince Charles' Amex account
A morose young man in old-tim Austrian drag
Stares past his long mustache at the ground
And last night's punks and fetish kids
All tattoos and metal bits
And in the other corner (wearing the white trunks)
Today's tourists already sweating

Deep in the city of the saints and fools
Pearls before pigs and dung become jewels
I sit down with tigers, I sit down with lambs
None of them know who exactly I am
I've got this thing in my heart
I must give you today
It only lives when you
Give it away

Languid mandalla of the ceiling fan
Teases the air like a slow stroking hand
Study the faces, study the cards
Study the shadow creeping over the yard

I've got this thing in my heart
I must give you today
It only lives when you
Give it away

Trouble with the nations, trouble with relations
Where you going to go to find illumination?
Too much to carry, too much to let go
Time goes fast - learning goes slow

But I've got this thing in my heart
I must give you today
It only lives when you
Give it away

The Grey Cup

see the excitement in my eyes?  it's amazing to me how nervous and anxious i was at the prospect of getting my pic with the Cup.  i already have a pic with the Vanier Cup but i really hadn't anticipated getting this shot at any time.  yes, it's pretty shallow but there's also 100 years of history in that mug.  100 years of sweat and dedication.  100 years of smashmouth and then helping a man back up at the end of the play.

notice that i'm also wearing my Ref's jacket?  it carries some extra worth to me because i've also poured 10 years worth of dedication to the game of football on an amateur level.  that's 10 years of my own sweat and vision toward a goal.

i got so hyped that i asked a buddy to take another picture.  that way i'd have a couple shots for the memory of it all.

we were told when we got there that we could touch it, we could kiss it but we just couldn't pick it up.  too bad, i would've loved to have held it above my head for a few moments.

and then she sang a lullabye

i live in a gentrified community.  it used to be considered the poor part of town complete with dilapidated housing and slum lords but about 30 yrs ago families started moving in and changing the makeup of the community.  my own church community moved into the area about 30 years ago and began to set up family homes or households of different family makeups so there are some (including me) that believe that Grain of Wheat Church Community had a significant hand in the rebirth of our part of town.  when the typical Pegger talks about the part of town where i live they come out with some regular stereotypes stating that we're full of tree hugging, sandal wearing, mosquito loving environmentalists, metrosexuals, homosexuals, left leaning pinko commies and what-not.
i tell you all that so that i can tell you this story.  i was commuting to work on the bus last week and as i was leaving the hippie-haven where i live we came to the last bus stop in my part of town.  there standing at the stop waiting to be picked up were the usual suspects; the immigrant single mom and the university student bound for her long trek across town to class, but also there was a young woman with a stroller.  i had never seen this woman before.  i could scarcely call her a woman, she was a child really but she had a infant little girl with her; a strong, healthy little girl.  as they came on the bus my first thought was that babies shouldn't be having babies and i wondered where the child's father might be and what support he could be providing a child who so desperately would need all help that could be offered.  the mother scarcely looked 20 yrs old, if she even had those many years under her belt but she sat directly across the aisle from me on the bus.
the teen mom spent her time talking to her child and giving her the couple of rattles that were available for her little one to play with.  her child was healthy and obviously happy.  the world moved on as the bustle of life continued around them.  the regulars came and left each on their own little journey for the day, the bus in all its noise and power whirred its way down busy streets while a youthful mother played with her little one.  it was a beautiful thing to behold and few bothered to take the time to behold it.
as my commute continued eventually there came the soft and beautiful voice of a mother singing her child to dreamland.  the whir of the bus continued, students and employees came and went and still a mother sang a lullabye.  eventually as we headed down Portage Ave the usual drone of conversation and small talk between regulars became a hushed silence while the ongoing whir of a diesel engine continued down the busiest street in the city.  a mother leaned close to her little one and sang her to dreamland.  for a while all you could really hear instead of a drone was "and mommy will catch you, cradle and all" in an innocent and pure tone.
it was a moment of beauty against a background of dull, grey whirring and bustle.

and mommy will catch you, cradle and all.

hello, it's me again

i know, i know, where have i been all summer?  well, i've been right here trying to live and eek out my existence in relative fear and trembling.  it's been a busy summer.  we did reno's on the house, significant reno's to the top floor.  i also had a full summer of baseball and work.  days of commuting on my bike and evenings of calling balls and strikes.  i had to throw 2 guys out of baseball games this summer, one batter for threatening a pitcher and one coach for trying to intimidate a kid umpire.  that sort of stuff just doesn't play with me very well, i don't like bullies.
i haven't had many instances where i felt like i had much to say.  i still don't know that i do except i was struck by a lengthy quote from Herman Hesse read to me last night that talked about our own mortality.  after a short search i was able to find it in the magazine where it was quoted from last night.

Occupy Death

The world does not give us very much now; it often seems to consist of nothing but noise and fear, and yet grass and trees still grow. And if one day the whole world should be covered with concrete boxes, the clouds will still be playing up above, and here and there people will still, with the help of art, be holding open a door to the divine.

I have come from the city, where after a long absence I was once more among people, and I have sat in a train, seen pictures and sculptures and heard wonderful new songs by Othmar Schoeck. Now the joyful breeze brushes my face just as it caresses the nodding anemones, but as it whirls up a swarm of memories in me like a dust cloud, a reminder of pain and transience rises from my blood into my conscious mind. Stone on the path, you are stronger than me! Tree in the meadow, you will outlast me, and perhaps so will you, little raspberry bush, and perhaps even you, rose-scented anemone.
For a single breath I sense more profoundly than ever the transience of my form, and I feel drawn into transformation – to the stone, the earth, the raspberry bush, the tree root. My thirst is for the signs of passing, for the earth, the water and the withering of the leaves. Tomorrow, the day after, soon, soon I shall be you, I shall be leaves, I shall be earth, I shall be roots, I shall write no more words on paper, I shall no longer smell the regal wallflower, I shall no longer carry the dentist’s bill around in my pocket, I shall no longer be pestered by menacing officials demanding proof of citizenship, and so – swim cloud in the blue, flow water in the brook, bud leaf on the bough, I have sunk into oblivion and into my thousand-times-longed-for transformation.

Ten and a hundred times more you will grasp me, enchant me and imprison me, world of words, world of opinions, world of people, world of increasing pleasure and feverish fear. A thousand times you will delight me and terrify me, with songs sung at the piano, with newspapers, with telegrams, with obituaries, with registration forms and with all your crazy odds and ends, you, world full of pleasure and fear, sweet opera full of melodic nonsense. But never more, may God grant, will you be completely lost to me, devotion to transience, passionate music of change, readiness for death, desire for rebirth. Easter will always return, pleasure will always become fear, fear will always become redemption, and the song of the past will accompany me on my way without grief, filled with affirmation, filled with readiness, filled with hope.

i'll be chewing on that for awhile.

Wendy's Words of Wisdom

If Ian needs to remember more than two things he needs a list and if Ian has a list then the list is one of his two things.