checking in.
it's been over 2 months since I wrote anything here and I just had to make some sort of a comment on my situation.
I commuted to work on my bike today. first time this year. as Easter came and went the weather was mild so that the 4 foot snowbank in the front yard shrunk down to 6 inches of dirty snow and ice over the course of a 4 day long weekend for me. I had the day off yesterday as part of Easter so one of my assignments for the day was to take both bikes up to the gas station and make sure that the tires have the correct PSI in them to take us into spring. it was nice to be out yesterday but the thrill of the morning commute to work was a nice topping to a mild with a slight bite 1 degree morning.
Easter morning service was nice. I like Easter morning. There's a traditional dance that a few select members of the community do to "Was it a morning like this?" on Easter morning and every year I like watching it get performed. I suppose I enjoy it a lot because I don't have to do it. Dancing as art is beautiful but I just don't have the skills or experience to pull it off. I've never been asked to perform it and actually I don't see a scenario where I'd say yes to that question. It's one of the things that my church community does that I just have no interest in doing myself. I enjoy watching it a lot but I don't want to do it myself. There's just a vulnerability there that I'm not comfortable with on top of the complete anxiety of having to be in the limelight like that.
anyway, this year they decided to do something different with the Easter dance. no one "performed" it, it was done as a group dance activity. I thought at the time that it must've been because nobody volunteered to do the dance this year but Wendy's perspective was actually that for a lot of years some people have been requesting more opportunities for communal dance for the community as a whole. I didn't ... couldn't participate in the communal dance ... and in all honesty I thought the exercise was a flop. I wonder if my perspective that the dance was a flop is just a reflection of not wanting to be a part of the dance and unwillingness to enter the spotlight to ensure that our rituals remained the same. I wasn't asked to perform the dance but I would've said no anyway. I didn't join in on the communal dance but I've never really dealt with my own uncomfortable feelings over issues like that in my community. I don't believe that I'm responsible for my own feelings that the ritual failed but I also didn't invest in the ritual outside of the investment of spectator. I never have invested in that area outside of the investment of spectator. I'm not saying that I'm willing to do the dance myself in the future, I'm just not there. All that I'm saying is that I missed how it used to be done. I enjoyed how it used to be done immensely. I have to come to grips with it all.
non-involvement is going to mean that I have no say whatsoever in how things turn out. on one level I freely admit that i'm not in a place where I should make decisions for the group since i'm having a hard time keeping my own crap together but that also carries the price that things may not be as I want them to be. I don't have the capacity to invest more right now though.
I think I should just sit with this for awhile.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
No, not out of the wilderness
I've had an anxiety disorder for all of my adult life.
I had thought I was ok around my birthday in the beginning of December but then as I looked back at the things that I wrote in that time period I realized that I was not ok and I was indeed struggling. I remember saying to my church community that I was hoping that I was coming out of my wilderness experience ... I hadn't come out yet. I'm not sure that I'm out of my wilderness even now, 2 months later.
I started my Christmas holidays on December 24th but by that time I had not slept well in some time and I was racked in anxiety. I had attended worship the Sunday before Christmas and had felt completely disheartened with wondering what the entire point of faith was. I had moped my way to prayers, more out of desperation for some sort of answer as opposed to some great amount of faith that God was there to answer my many questions. I cried because I didn't have the capacity to cope. My entire Christmas vacation was mostly 2 weeks of drowning in a morass of anxiety. Despite that Wendy was wonderful to me. We talked about my anxieties and she offered comfort where she could. I saw my naturopath for acupuncture 4 or 5 times to try and stabilize my mood and I went to the doctor at least 3 times in the 6 weeks that came after Christmas. Acupuncture helped to stabilize my mood a good deal and I had several conversations with medical professionals about how I could be doing my care better.
I couldn't sleep. That was an ordeal for me because I've always been a fantastic sleeper. When I'm on my game I can be asleep within minutes, dare I say seconds, so to lay in bed for hours with a racing mind drove me around the bend a few more times. I'm still not sleeping well but at least it isn't the complete train wreck that it was last month. Last week the simple stressor of changing my caseload around was enough to give me a sleepless night and a sick day the next day. I've always considered myself really adaptable and accommodating but I've been floored of late just how much a little stressor irritates me.
I'd try to do some things to be active but it was also right in the middle of the most brutal cold snap that I recall in my decade and a half in Winnipeg. Most of my activity over the actual Christmas season was the several times (sometimes several times a day) that I was required to shovel out our walkways and driveway. A trip out to go grocery shopping nearly threw me into a full bore panic attack. It didn't help that I was also dealing with some fasciitis pain in my left foot which meant that I'd need to take things easy if I wanted to do anything terribly taxing, like walking or standing.
It even seemed like some of the things that I volunteer for were extra burdensome so that I seriously considered quitting most of my extra-curricular stuff.
No I'm not out of the wilderness.
I've only had 5 cups of caffeinated coffee since Christmas and I miss it terribly. I get tired of herbal tea even though it has obviously helped me to settle a good deal. Several times I've considered that I need to return to things that give me more peace, like playing the guitar but instead I try to fill my time with useless time-fillers like watching an old movie that I've actually already seen. I do enjoy watching old movies so I suppose it's ok for my soul if I'm getting comfort out of that. It's the useless time-fillers that I object to.
As we speed our way toward Valentine's Day, Wendy's birthday right on it's heels and another stay-cation at home, I begin to stress a little about the things of life. I've noticed on the horizon a cramp in my neck that I sometimes get when I'm stressed and I think, really? More?
I really do question why it is that such things happen to people. My neighbour is struggling with cancer so that he's tired all the time and he doesn't enjoy the things that he's always enjoyed. He told me this morning that the best part of his day is his daybreak prayer walk along the river's edge. I asked him to remember me on his prayer walk, because I need it and I still believe in the effective prayers of a good man. If it brings peace to either of us then it'll be well worth it.
I still haven't caught up on my phone messages at work from the sick day I took last week. I just work my way through answering 10 messages when it seems like there are 15 more waiting for me on my phone. The work doesn't stop because I need to take a deep breath and find a better way to cope.
I'm still here though. Still fighting my way along my path. The path is in the wilderness I suppose but I'm also not alone. I have friends who love me. Thankfully so.
I had thought I was ok around my birthday in the beginning of December but then as I looked back at the things that I wrote in that time period I realized that I was not ok and I was indeed struggling. I remember saying to my church community that I was hoping that I was coming out of my wilderness experience ... I hadn't come out yet. I'm not sure that I'm out of my wilderness even now, 2 months later.
I started my Christmas holidays on December 24th but by that time I had not slept well in some time and I was racked in anxiety. I had attended worship the Sunday before Christmas and had felt completely disheartened with wondering what the entire point of faith was. I had moped my way to prayers, more out of desperation for some sort of answer as opposed to some great amount of faith that God was there to answer my many questions. I cried because I didn't have the capacity to cope. My entire Christmas vacation was mostly 2 weeks of drowning in a morass of anxiety. Despite that Wendy was wonderful to me. We talked about my anxieties and she offered comfort where she could. I saw my naturopath for acupuncture 4 or 5 times to try and stabilize my mood and I went to the doctor at least 3 times in the 6 weeks that came after Christmas. Acupuncture helped to stabilize my mood a good deal and I had several conversations with medical professionals about how I could be doing my care better.
I couldn't sleep. That was an ordeal for me because I've always been a fantastic sleeper. When I'm on my game I can be asleep within minutes, dare I say seconds, so to lay in bed for hours with a racing mind drove me around the bend a few more times. I'm still not sleeping well but at least it isn't the complete train wreck that it was last month. Last week the simple stressor of changing my caseload around was enough to give me a sleepless night and a sick day the next day. I've always considered myself really adaptable and accommodating but I've been floored of late just how much a little stressor irritates me.
I'd try to do some things to be active but it was also right in the middle of the most brutal cold snap that I recall in my decade and a half in Winnipeg. Most of my activity over the actual Christmas season was the several times (sometimes several times a day) that I was required to shovel out our walkways and driveway. A trip out to go grocery shopping nearly threw me into a full bore panic attack. It didn't help that I was also dealing with some fasciitis pain in my left foot which meant that I'd need to take things easy if I wanted to do anything terribly taxing, like walking or standing.
It even seemed like some of the things that I volunteer for were extra burdensome so that I seriously considered quitting most of my extra-curricular stuff.
No I'm not out of the wilderness.
I've only had 5 cups of caffeinated coffee since Christmas and I miss it terribly. I get tired of herbal tea even though it has obviously helped me to settle a good deal. Several times I've considered that I need to return to things that give me more peace, like playing the guitar but instead I try to fill my time with useless time-fillers like watching an old movie that I've actually already seen. I do enjoy watching old movies so I suppose it's ok for my soul if I'm getting comfort out of that. It's the useless time-fillers that I object to.
As we speed our way toward Valentine's Day, Wendy's birthday right on it's heels and another stay-cation at home, I begin to stress a little about the things of life. I've noticed on the horizon a cramp in my neck that I sometimes get when I'm stressed and I think, really? More?
I really do question why it is that such things happen to people. My neighbour is struggling with cancer so that he's tired all the time and he doesn't enjoy the things that he's always enjoyed. He told me this morning that the best part of his day is his daybreak prayer walk along the river's edge. I asked him to remember me on his prayer walk, because I need it and I still believe in the effective prayers of a good man. If it brings peace to either of us then it'll be well worth it.
I still haven't caught up on my phone messages at work from the sick day I took last week. I just work my way through answering 10 messages when it seems like there are 15 more waiting for me on my phone. The work doesn't stop because I need to take a deep breath and find a better way to cope.
I'm still here though. Still fighting my way along my path. The path is in the wilderness I suppose but I'm also not alone. I have friends who love me. Thankfully so.
Friday, December 20, 2013
the holiday season is hard for a lot of folks ... for a lot better reasons than mine
i find the holiday season difficult. i didn't always but i do now. it's hard to see people struggle like i have and it's just as hard that i don't see much joy in the season itself either. i loved Christmas growing up, truly loved it. we never did have much and i don't actually remember ever being "rocked" by whatever amazing gift i received or gave. it was still a fun time of year though. maybe it was the idea that i didnt have to be in school for a period of time and i could go play street hockey. maybe it was that i could go skate and play tag in the frozen ditch where saplings had grown amongst frozen water that had collected there over a long and wet autumn. we'd chase one another amongst frozen trees in some deserted and undeveloped subdivision near our house. i remember it as a completely genuine and hilarious experience.
i did love the holiday season though. somewhere there is still a germination of that feeling.
i find "get-togethers" difficult nowadays though, or rather get-togethers that require me to help host or prepare for the hosting of it. i freeze up and find it hard to know what i should be doing in order to prepare for the party.
it might be the expectation of it all.
it might be the thought that if it all doesnt come off like it should then i'll be standing there with egg on my face.
there was one Halloween where my sister's friend invited my sister and me over to her house for a party. we actually got dressed in costumes where my sister and i tried to coordinate ourselves, we showed up as Raggedy Ann and Andy. we were set up pretty well by my recollection. i remember being dropped off for the party and running up to the door (somewhat self-consciously) with my sister in preparation for a fun celebration. the mother of the house answered the door and looked at us with a puzzled look since she knew nothing of what we were talking about.
i can't tell you what happened after that. i honestly don't remember a single thing about the incident. we may've called for our parents to come pick us up again and take us home. i may've walked home (although i doubt that i did that all decked out as Raggedy Andy). we may've continued to hang out at the friend's place after something like that. i can't believe that i don't remember a single thing that happened after that. the incident was either completely uneventful or i guess i repressed whatever embarrassment i endured after that.
Wendy and i hosted our seed group for a Christmas potluck last week. i didn't find the prep work for the party to be an easy experience for me. Wendy actually gave me no chore to do that was difficult or anything that i had not done as part of any regular cleaning of our home on any given day ... and yet i was anxious, grumpy and near an anxiety attack. once the work was done i sat in our dining room and tried to think of why it is that i find such things hard to do.
it's a stupid story. i was embarrassed in an incident as a child. i do wonder if it has prevented me from putting myself "out there" over the years since. i attend and take part in parties, and for the most part i enjoy them ... if i don't have to stand in the limelight.
i still enjoy the holiday season. i also find it difficult. i suppose i don't put myself on the line much anymore, not like i would've as a preteen. i'm less creative than perhaps i could've/should've been over the years.
is it just about wanting to avoid embarrassment? maybe it is. i can't discount that idea. it has been a sticking point in my life though. maybe its just an example of something stupid that happened to some kid. having said that though it's certainly not a hurdle that cannot be cleared. feeling the fear of a situation and doing it anyway is still a viable approach to dealing with anxiety situations. i've seen that work in my own life.
i'm still not at all sure that i want to be the center of attention or the one responsible for seeing a major task to completion however.
maybe i'm just trying to process my own way through some of my own anxieties. maybe i'm just looking for excuses to cover for my own foibles.
ah, the joys of repression.
i did love the holiday season though. somewhere there is still a germination of that feeling.
i find "get-togethers" difficult nowadays though, or rather get-togethers that require me to help host or prepare for the hosting of it. i freeze up and find it hard to know what i should be doing in order to prepare for the party.
it might be the expectation of it all.
it might be the thought that if it all doesnt come off like it should then i'll be standing there with egg on my face.
there was one Halloween where my sister's friend invited my sister and me over to her house for a party. we actually got dressed in costumes where my sister and i tried to coordinate ourselves, we showed up as Raggedy Ann and Andy. we were set up pretty well by my recollection. i remember being dropped off for the party and running up to the door (somewhat self-consciously) with my sister in preparation for a fun celebration. the mother of the house answered the door and looked at us with a puzzled look since she knew nothing of what we were talking about.
i can't tell you what happened after that. i honestly don't remember a single thing about the incident. we may've called for our parents to come pick us up again and take us home. i may've walked home (although i doubt that i did that all decked out as Raggedy Andy). we may've continued to hang out at the friend's place after something like that. i can't believe that i don't remember a single thing that happened after that. the incident was either completely uneventful or i guess i repressed whatever embarrassment i endured after that.
Wendy and i hosted our seed group for a Christmas potluck last week. i didn't find the prep work for the party to be an easy experience for me. Wendy actually gave me no chore to do that was difficult or anything that i had not done as part of any regular cleaning of our home on any given day ... and yet i was anxious, grumpy and near an anxiety attack. once the work was done i sat in our dining room and tried to think of why it is that i find such things hard to do.
it's a stupid story. i was embarrassed in an incident as a child. i do wonder if it has prevented me from putting myself "out there" over the years since. i attend and take part in parties, and for the most part i enjoy them ... if i don't have to stand in the limelight.
i still enjoy the holiday season. i also find it difficult. i suppose i don't put myself on the line much anymore, not like i would've as a preteen. i'm less creative than perhaps i could've/should've been over the years.
is it just about wanting to avoid embarrassment? maybe it is. i can't discount that idea. it has been a sticking point in my life though. maybe its just an example of something stupid that happened to some kid. having said that though it's certainly not a hurdle that cannot be cleared. feeling the fear of a situation and doing it anyway is still a viable approach to dealing with anxiety situations. i've seen that work in my own life.
i'm still not at all sure that i want to be the center of attention or the one responsible for seeing a major task to completion however.
maybe i'm just trying to process my own way through some of my own anxieties. maybe i'm just looking for excuses to cover for my own foibles.
ah, the joys of repression.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
birthday addendum
Wendy suggested i buy some vanilla ice cream on my way home from work so i did that and came home to a kickass supper of chili cheese fries and the most amazing sort of cherry crumble i've had in forever. we hunkered down to watch a movie and to hang out. overall it was a wonderful evening for which i'm very grateful. she had gotten my an amazing Maple Leafs hoodie which she came out modelling herself. i almost insisted that she keep it on because she looked wonderful in it but it would've been much to warm an experience for her to spend too much time wearing it.
i shared with her a little of my struggle that day and she understood me.
i love you dear.
i shared with her a little of my struggle that day and she understood me.
i love you dear.
Monday, December 2, 2013
wishes and regrets
today is my 47th birthday.
i'm struggling today actually. struggling with my "issues". i have an anxiety disorder and it could just be that my struggle is over a little "undigested potato" as a MUCH better writer once phrased it. i do wonder if too much sugar and caffeine really does affect my sleep at night or whether my soul just comes out from its shell and points to regret and pain that the rest of me has ignored.
Wendy gave me a huge smile and a hearty wish this morning and that is no small task at 7am when you have no real desire to be awake to the world in the first place. she has class today though (she's the lab instructor) and she said that she wanted to be present for whatever reason and was a bit concerned about getting ready to be there on time.
i woke at 1am with a horrible forboding, lost in my own anxiety.
it is completely impossible to see the goodness of life in those moments. i have felt completely alone and unloved. i cannot find God and my heart is completely unsure that i'll ever be able to know him again. much of my spiritual journey of late is anchored in community, in the church and not in my search for God. when i see God i see him in those around me but i have wanted more.
i am no longer convinced that God is faithfully involved in lives. that doesn't affect my own efforts to involve myself in serving others but it gets to the point that i used to do such things in my search for closer unity with God while now the argument can be made that we do such things because we are simply good. i do good things because i'm a good man. i have my flaws, they're more like significant chasms in which once can get lost for life actually. don't go thinking that i'm a "works" guy though, i know fully that there's nothing in this chest that is really all that good in the first place.
a friend in my church community, a Jeremiah archetype, spoke to me yesterday of sorrow and mourning and it's place in our lives. he and i have both known our own wilderness experiences so when he speaks on this topic i tend to listen more intently. on some level i relate although my struggle is not his. he could certainly accuse God of being unfaithful to him but i have never heard him say those words. he has known loss and he has sat in the dark amidst his own sorrow and tears for far too long. i don't really want to relate to that. i would much rather say, enough pain already when do i get to see some light?
don't get me wrong. there is abundant goodness in my life. i am truly blessed in that i have luxury galore and a secure life. it certainly seems like the height of presumption to ask for the absence of pain on top of all the grace i have seen in my 47 years. when i am stuck in my own anxiety however, i can see none of that.
i tried to express some of that at worship yesterday. i spoke of Joshua crossing the Jordan and how i wished to take the stones around me to mark my spot as i came to another marking point in my lifetime. i chose as my song to sing in celebration of another birthday "Here by the Water" because the words of it resonated with me. i hoped to suggest that i was coming out of my own wilderness experience just as Joshua did.
Here by the water, I'll build an altar to praise you, out of the stones that I find here. I'll set them down here, rough as they are, knowing you can make them holy.
and yet, my perspective is more about the fact that i have survived my wilderness this far and i hope that i have indeed come out on the other end of it. i don't know that i have come out on the other end though, and that may be where my anxiety lies. i've got to think that my experience is vastly different than Joshua's since the focus of his prayer is in thankfulness for the faithfulness of God ... and my heart yearns to be consoled and to know that experience. i know that God is faithful, i just don't KNOW it right now.
i'm certainly not promised an easy ride, and i also have not experienced one.
so i still feel a bit lost in the dark. my experience with my community as i tried to express some of these thoughts has been one of overflowing love and support. those who have known me best expressed their love for me as they recognize my struggle. they have missed me as i wallowed in my own resentment and bitterness and they have told me so whenever they got the chance.
i have missed my community, and i also have not missed them. the introverted me prefers to be left alone to sort and to try and address my own things in my own manner but the community me wishes to contact, to be together, to play and laugh and wrap my arms around those closest to me and tell them of my deep affection for all that they are to me. i suppose i'm just looking for someone to love me. i'm always looking for that. it's a neediness that embarrasses me but is also very much necessary for my own ongoing growth.
i do know that you love me though. i do know that. i suppose on some level i'm talking to God there. i'll struggle on.
peace to you my friends. peace to me too.
i'm struggling today actually. struggling with my "issues". i have an anxiety disorder and it could just be that my struggle is over a little "undigested potato" as a MUCH better writer once phrased it. i do wonder if too much sugar and caffeine really does affect my sleep at night or whether my soul just comes out from its shell and points to regret and pain that the rest of me has ignored.
Wendy gave me a huge smile and a hearty wish this morning and that is no small task at 7am when you have no real desire to be awake to the world in the first place. she has class today though (she's the lab instructor) and she said that she wanted to be present for whatever reason and was a bit concerned about getting ready to be there on time.
i woke at 1am with a horrible forboding, lost in my own anxiety.
it is completely impossible to see the goodness of life in those moments. i have felt completely alone and unloved. i cannot find God and my heart is completely unsure that i'll ever be able to know him again. much of my spiritual journey of late is anchored in community, in the church and not in my search for God. when i see God i see him in those around me but i have wanted more.
i am no longer convinced that God is faithfully involved in lives. that doesn't affect my own efforts to involve myself in serving others but it gets to the point that i used to do such things in my search for closer unity with God while now the argument can be made that we do such things because we are simply good. i do good things because i'm a good man. i have my flaws, they're more like significant chasms in which once can get lost for life actually. don't go thinking that i'm a "works" guy though, i know fully that there's nothing in this chest that is really all that good in the first place.
a friend in my church community, a Jeremiah archetype, spoke to me yesterday of sorrow and mourning and it's place in our lives. he and i have both known our own wilderness experiences so when he speaks on this topic i tend to listen more intently. on some level i relate although my struggle is not his. he could certainly accuse God of being unfaithful to him but i have never heard him say those words. he has known loss and he has sat in the dark amidst his own sorrow and tears for far too long. i don't really want to relate to that. i would much rather say, enough pain already when do i get to see some light?
don't get me wrong. there is abundant goodness in my life. i am truly blessed in that i have luxury galore and a secure life. it certainly seems like the height of presumption to ask for the absence of pain on top of all the grace i have seen in my 47 years. when i am stuck in my own anxiety however, i can see none of that.
i tried to express some of that at worship yesterday. i spoke of Joshua crossing the Jordan and how i wished to take the stones around me to mark my spot as i came to another marking point in my lifetime. i chose as my song to sing in celebration of another birthday "Here by the Water" because the words of it resonated with me. i hoped to suggest that i was coming out of my own wilderness experience just as Joshua did.
Here by the water, I'll build an altar to praise you, out of the stones that I find here. I'll set them down here, rough as they are, knowing you can make them holy.
and yet, my perspective is more about the fact that i have survived my wilderness this far and i hope that i have indeed come out on the other end of it. i don't know that i have come out on the other end though, and that may be where my anxiety lies. i've got to think that my experience is vastly different than Joshua's since the focus of his prayer is in thankfulness for the faithfulness of God ... and my heart yearns to be consoled and to know that experience. i know that God is faithful, i just don't KNOW it right now.
i'm certainly not promised an easy ride, and i also have not experienced one.
so i still feel a bit lost in the dark. my experience with my community as i tried to express some of these thoughts has been one of overflowing love and support. those who have known me best expressed their love for me as they recognize my struggle. they have missed me as i wallowed in my own resentment and bitterness and they have told me so whenever they got the chance.
i have missed my community, and i also have not missed them. the introverted me prefers to be left alone to sort and to try and address my own things in my own manner but the community me wishes to contact, to be together, to play and laugh and wrap my arms around those closest to me and tell them of my deep affection for all that they are to me. i suppose i'm just looking for someone to love me. i'm always looking for that. it's a neediness that embarrasses me but is also very much necessary for my own ongoing growth.
i do know that you love me though. i do know that. i suppose on some level i'm talking to God there. i'll struggle on.
peace to you my friends. peace to me too.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
purpose in life does not equal achievement
i've struggled for some time now trying to determine what place (if any) there is in my life for ambitious behaviour. on one hand it speaks to growth, a desire to improve my situation and to share my own gifts in my own circles but on the other hand it could also upset the apple cart if you're basically content (like me) with how things are.
this struggle is seen almost exclusively in my vocational life right now. it comes from a belief that i could do well if i moved up the ladder and on some level a belief that i deserve something like that. it also has some significant drawbacks though. a change of job description would mean that i'm not working with the people groups that i'm presently working with. essentially i'd go from a place where i feel like i'm helping the poor toward getting past their barriers and onward to a better life (hopefully) just so i could become the guy helping the folks who are helping the poor. it'd mean that i'd become a manager advising the rich on how better to manage helping the poor.
don't get me wrong, i fully believe that i'd be very good as a manager and i do have some expertise that i can impart to people so they can be more effective. i already know however that i'm good at what i do and i already know the level of fulfillment that i experience in the chair that i'm sitting in.
my seed group in my church community is fully involved in a study of Voluntary Simplicity. Wendy had what i thought was a great thought when we started into this seed group saying "since our lives are so full of involuntary complexity it'd be nice to have a little voluntary simplicity". i chuckled when she said it because it couldn't be more true for us. our life together is full of all sorts of tasks, rules, complexities and safeguards so that regularly i just want to be a hermit and run off to find a little personal order. anyway, voluntary simplicity tries to speak to a counter-cultural approach to living our lives together on this earth. it centers on values (hopefully our own values) that say that it isn't necessary to acquire everything in our search for belonging, for community, for life. the moments where you have felt the most connection to the world around you most likely had to do with your relationships or with the natural world around you anyway and nothing to do with acquiring whatever it is that you wanted to acquire. it speaks to a desire to purge our lives of the unnecessary, to live more simply and to share our meager but most prized possessions, our lives themselves.
i was sitting in seed group a couple of weeks ago when someone pulled out a quote from the book we're trying to walk through together as part of our study. the quote said ...
Purpose in life does not equal achievement.
it stopped me short.
there's probably a decent chance that i'm taking the author out of context but i immediately made a little tangent to my own struggle to determine what place ambition has in my life.
achievement although wonderful in its own right, is fleeting. you are forgotten just as soon as the next person with the next achievement comes along. purpose in life is a different goal however. it doesn't mean that purpose in life cannot be found in achievement but at least for me achievement needs to include purpose in life, otherwise what am i really doing with that? a raise in salary is always helpful but i really do think that some people undervalue how important it is to be happy in the work that we do.
i'll likely still keep trying to move up the ladder, but i'm also going to be careful. the relationships to those around me and the world around me really do help to determine my own purpose in life and i won't just discount that because i want a little more recognition.
this struggle is seen almost exclusively in my vocational life right now. it comes from a belief that i could do well if i moved up the ladder and on some level a belief that i deserve something like that. it also has some significant drawbacks though. a change of job description would mean that i'm not working with the people groups that i'm presently working with. essentially i'd go from a place where i feel like i'm helping the poor toward getting past their barriers and onward to a better life (hopefully) just so i could become the guy helping the folks who are helping the poor. it'd mean that i'd become a manager advising the rich on how better to manage helping the poor.
don't get me wrong, i fully believe that i'd be very good as a manager and i do have some expertise that i can impart to people so they can be more effective. i already know however that i'm good at what i do and i already know the level of fulfillment that i experience in the chair that i'm sitting in.
my seed group in my church community is fully involved in a study of Voluntary Simplicity. Wendy had what i thought was a great thought when we started into this seed group saying "since our lives are so full of involuntary complexity it'd be nice to have a little voluntary simplicity". i chuckled when she said it because it couldn't be more true for us. our life together is full of all sorts of tasks, rules, complexities and safeguards so that regularly i just want to be a hermit and run off to find a little personal order. anyway, voluntary simplicity tries to speak to a counter-cultural approach to living our lives together on this earth. it centers on values (hopefully our own values) that say that it isn't necessary to acquire everything in our search for belonging, for community, for life. the moments where you have felt the most connection to the world around you most likely had to do with your relationships or with the natural world around you anyway and nothing to do with acquiring whatever it is that you wanted to acquire. it speaks to a desire to purge our lives of the unnecessary, to live more simply and to share our meager but most prized possessions, our lives themselves.
i was sitting in seed group a couple of weeks ago when someone pulled out a quote from the book we're trying to walk through together as part of our study. the quote said ...
Purpose in life does not equal achievement.
it stopped me short.
there's probably a decent chance that i'm taking the author out of context but i immediately made a little tangent to my own struggle to determine what place ambition has in my life.
achievement although wonderful in its own right, is fleeting. you are forgotten just as soon as the next person with the next achievement comes along. purpose in life is a different goal however. it doesn't mean that purpose in life cannot be found in achievement but at least for me achievement needs to include purpose in life, otherwise what am i really doing with that? a raise in salary is always helpful but i really do think that some people undervalue how important it is to be happy in the work that we do.
i'll likely still keep trying to move up the ladder, but i'm also going to be careful. the relationships to those around me and the world around me really do help to determine my own purpose in life and i won't just discount that because i want a little more recognition.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
thinking of you
a dear, dear friend is in the hospital fighting what may be the toughest medical battle of her life. i don't know what to say other than "i love you" and i don't know what to do other than to think and pray for her during this tough time.
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