when things are stressiest (that is too a word) then i'm probably at my worst. i suppose that's normal. Wendy has a whole whack of medical appts coming up and the stress from that is making her more than a little bit anxious, unfortunately when she's anxious then i start to go into a hole of anxiety of my own. i have to fight the lack of ambition a whole ton and i'm very poor at finding motivation for the last week. there's stuff around the house that i've completely neglected and that just has driven Wendy up the wall as winter is around the corner while i'm not ready for it to happen. i have clean up all the brush beside and behind the fence and i wasn't able to get far enough with it so that the job isn't done yet. unfortunately my first reaction to stress and conflict ... is avoidance. that's one of the reasons why i do officiating because it gets me away from my first inclination whenever i come across conflict. there's no way to avoid conflict when you're umping a baseball game or reffing a football game, every decision is going to have 50% of the people around you hating your guts. but still, the stress has been extra high amidst all the health stuff going on for Wendy right now and i have coped poorly.
oh, and of course i have a job interview this week for a job that i've been positioning myself for over the last 2 years. if i don't sell myself well in that interview and i fail to get the job then i'll be in some trouble vocationally since it'll be a significant emotional setback not to get the position. i'm worried that i won't be the passionate dreamer that i need to be since my nervousness and anxiety will get in the way of the passion and rationality that i'll need to put across in that interview. i also don't know how to pray about all of that. i'm in a spiritual funk that is essentially "i just don't give a shit" and how can i possibly be passionate and philosophical about the reasons i'm in the job i'm in and why i'm living the life i live when i'm stuck in a spiritual, depressive funk? if you're the praying sort then say a prayer for me or at least think some good thoughts. i suppose if i do not get the job then at least i can still be happy where i am, doing what i have done for the last 9 years.
i've told a few around me about the importance of this stuff but i haven't been nearly indepth enough about what's going on for me. the lostness is pretty deep right now and i haven't even confided with Wendy about this stuff. i just can't seem to find the words right now since i know the pressure and worry she's under. i'm surrounded by people who love me so i will be talking about this. don't worry my friend, i'm in no danger for myself or someone else. it's just stressful and i do need to step forward with some motivation to affect some change for us.
worship was hard for me yesterday. i know it has been hard for Wendy for a lot of months now too. there were only a couple instances where i felt some connection to God during worship. first of all, i didn't really want to go to worship but we did go, then Wendy got a headache about a half hour in so i had to take her home. at that stage i had to decide if i wanted to return to worship or not, i even called a friend to see if maybe he wanted to go out instead but he wasn't home, he was probably at church himself. so i went back to worship. we sang a liturgy tune before we heard the scriptures and it nearly brought me to tears because it was a cry out to God and later i received communion and that has lasted as a bastion of faith and hope for me even when the rest of my spiritual life has been a wilderness experience.
i have a community in common. i have support. i am loved deeply and i am really well liked at the same time.
but i'm also under an abnormal amount of stress. i'll need to motivate myself out of this funk. there is growth for me in activity, in ambition. if i can be in a space of ambition then i'll reduce the stress on my love and i'll be able to be passionate about my own goals and life. it's just a funk and it does me no good so sit on my hands and hope that my troubles just go away. there is strength for me in community and in a life together. sometimes i forget that.
thanks for letting me process that much in this space.
i love you Wendy.