a VERY pregnant friend said to me today ...

"Is it hot in here? Seriously, are you hot? Well, I know you're hot but do you feel hot?"
"No? Must be the hormones."

she's very sweet to call me hot and i'm very happy for her and her husband who have long been trying to start a family.

my life feels like Lent 365

ok admittedly i'm in a bad space at the moment but i've been thinking about Lent. there is so much focus in my tradition on the sobriety, the asceticism, the giving up in Lent that i get a bit resentful. i don't really want to give up more, i feel like we've given up so much already. right now i do resent the thought that my life isn't hard enough that i should add more burden to the pile.

don't get me wrong. in the global picture my struggles are nothing. i am definitely one of the 1%, i live a charmed life full of safety and security. i am loved and i get to love.

in truth i'm in mourning today. they cut down the tree in front of my house yesterday. i have known that it was coming, since it got marked for removal due to Dutch Elm disease last summer. still, it was Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday and they cut down my tree. i have called that tree grandfather in my own mind and i fight the urge to wonder if it means more change and loss in the rest of my life. i wonder what ripples it creates in my life.

or is it just the loss of a tree.

i believe that we are all a part of everything around us. we are interconnected and loss is a loss nevertheless. my actual grandparents are all gone now and this grandfather tree did bring shade and happiness to our life. he will be missed and i am very pensive this morning about it.

so you see, i'm not giving anything up for Lent this year. in my opinion, i've given up enough.

a dream i had one night

i dreamt i was reading a comic book.
a man was walking along a path on the edge of a cliff. the path itself was very narrow and the drop to the bottom was significant although not such that one took one's life in their hands should they fall.
the next panel of the comic showed a hornet's nest flying through the air and an unidentified voice bubble coming from off panel yelling "Sorry" as it flew through the air. of course the hornet's nest strikes the cliff right next to our intrepid traveller and he's quickly surrounded by a cloud of hornets who are not at all pleased with their lot in life. the traveller begins flailing his arms because of the many stings he is receiving and of course he loses his balance and falls from the path.
this is not the end of the story though, he lands on a tree branch that is sticking out the side of the cliff. dude's in horrible shape though. he isn't far from the bottom of the cliff, close enough that he can survive as he rolls off his perch and he lies on the ground bloodied, bruised and with welts everywhere. as i continue to read the comic i begin to think that i may be looking at a Good Samaritan type story although nobody comes to the man's aid.
as he lies on the ground, he begins to crawl in his pain. eventually he pulls himself along so that he comes across a flowing trickle of water that may've just been caused from a rut a cart would make as it travels across dirt or muddy earth. he begins to drink of water that may or may not be good for him but is his only option for strength at that time.
it is at that moment that my alarm goes off and i awake to begin the day.

i don't know what it means. perhaps i'm the traveller. maybe i'm the unidentified voice that causes the demise. maybe i'm the cart driver who caused the rut that pooled the water. i do like to think that the water is a saving grace for the traveller and i do think that it helps him although i don't know what will become of him.
maybe i'm just stressed and i see disaster around me.
i'd much rather that someone had come along to help the traveller, i'd want to be that guy, but nobody came. there is only the water to help the traveller and it's still not known what will become of him.
pray for every traveller you know. the path is precarious and the potential for desolation is around us at any time.
fellow traveller, take what water you can find and let it refresh and strengthen you on your journey.

Happy B-day to my dear one

Wendy celebrates her 43rd birthday today.

i am very grateful for Wendy. i am grateful when she plays, when she finds life, when she hangs on to hope, when she dreams and lets me share in those dreams. i love her cackle of a laugh, i love her heart, i love her tenacity, and i recognize her strength amongst much more adversity than i would like to deal with.
i love it that you're in school and your joy is evident when you talk about it. i honestly do love to hear you prattle on about it simply because you shine when you do. i also find the subject matter rather boring but i'm glad that you don't and it doesn't so much matter to me if i remember the pearls of wisdom you throw out in front of this swine because i get to see and hear the shine as you wax poetically about "Sister Chromatid" (yes it is a great name for a band and you should tell everyone that i said so) or whatever evolutionary trait you were talking about on Valentine's Day that went completely over my head (ZOOM! *and a hand rushes straight back over this balding hairline*).

we have significant connections and i long for more connections with you. i hope that you long for connection with me. i want more reckless abandon with each other. i want to rush toward you and i want to be rushed toward.
when it's darkest i want to share my light with you. when it's hopeless i want to carry you along the way. when you cannot find faith i want to loan you mine and i want us to live on that for awhile.
i do love you. i do love you. i do love you.
be blessed on your birthday my dear one. be blessed everyday.

Wendy's Words of Wisdom

"heeheeheeheehee, you said doodie."

it's a scary thought when i'm the mature one but oh how i love it when she plays.