i don't know if i can express this very well. i think i'm a bit depressed and that's affecting how i view my world. i tried to explain how i'm feeling to a buddy of mine as we journeyed toward the movie theater last night and i'm not sure i did very well as i drove. by the way, we saw Robin Hood and the only good thing about it was that there were some decent fight scenes but quite frankly the storyline was rather weak. i was hoping for a Gladiator type epic story and i got a confusing "lambs to lions" story that didn't really fit the tale much at all.
i've been feeling like Job lately. i have no interest in cursing God but ... i can't praise him either. i sat in worship yesterday and we had 3 worship songs to start the service and i couldn't bring myself to sing a single word. i just kept thinking, am i supposed to thank God for this? really?
i realize that it's not about whether or not i deserve what's going on around me. that's not the point. Jesus said there would be troubles, there would be persecution, there would be pain. i just want to see more contentment with my life. i just want health for my love. i just want to be able to minister together as i have believed that God wants for us. and it's not like that. so am i supposed to thank God for this? i can't. perhaps ... i won't.
that doesn't mean that i still won't be helping fellow travellers on the path. i'll continue to bless and try to encourage but i do that because i believe it to be right. i served communion yesterday even though i didn't feel like i could worship ... but i could bless. we pray a blessing over whoever doesn't want the elements for communion and it has been a continual blessing for me to be able to bless little ones brought before me or not so little ones who just wanted to be blessed. i could do that and i enjoy that. there's life for me there.
and yet i can't thank God for my predicament. maybe i'm just a touch sad but i think i do have a right to be a little sad. life has been a struggle for us and i'm not seeing a lot of light in that area of our life.
i will not curse God ... but i can't praise him either ... right now.