i don't know if i can express this very well. i think i'm a bit depressed and that's affecting how i view my world. i tried to explain how i'm feeling to a buddy of mine as we journeyed toward the movie theater last night and i'm not sure i did very well as i drove. by the way, we saw Robin Hood and the only good thing about it was that there were some decent fight scenes but quite frankly the storyline was rather weak. i was hoping for a Gladiator type epic story and i got a confusing "lambs to lions" story that didn't really fit the tale much at all.
anywho ...
i've been feeling like Job lately. i have no interest in cursing God but ... i can't praise him either. i sat in worship yesterday and we had 3 worship songs to start the service and i couldn't bring myself to sing a single word. i just kept thinking, am i supposed to thank God for this? really?
i realize that it's not about whether or not i deserve what's going on around me. that's not the point. Jesus said there would be troubles, there would be persecution, there would be pain. i just want to see more contentment with my life. i just want health for my love. i just want to be able to minister together as i have believed that God wants for us. and it's not like that. so am i supposed to thank God for this? i can't. perhaps ... i won't.
that doesn't mean that i still won't be helping fellow travellers on the path. i'll continue to bless and try to encourage but i do that because i believe it to be right. i served communion yesterday even though i didn't feel like i could worship ... but i could bless. we pray a blessing over whoever doesn't want the elements for communion and it has been a continual blessing for me to be able to bless little ones brought before me or not so little ones who just wanted to be blessed. i could do that and i enjoy that. there's life for me there.
and yet i can't thank God for my predicament. maybe i'm just a touch sad but i think i do have a right to be a little sad. life has been a struggle for us and i'm not seeing a lot of light in that area of our life.
i will not curse God ... but i can't praise him either ... right now.
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9 comments:
It's funny you should mention this, because I've been like this for the past couple of weeks!
ah, Ian. I've been in this place so many times. Praying for those blessings you extend to return to you a hundred fold. And continuing to pray for Wendy, and for you as you watch her suffer and work to support her.
and, just as an added thought - the fact that you can't curse God says something about you. May you also known the satisfaction God granted Job in conversation and direct address.
For what it's worth, I believe service is better worship than just singing a song or two. Knowing good things to do, and doing them, demonstrates your commitment to the one who calls us to do them.
I can see how you feel like Job, and want God to explain himself. At least then you could be certain that he knows what is going on, and that it's going to work out OK.
As I think about you. I'm asking God to let you see and hear him in the stunning color of a flower, the simple trust of a child, the formidable intensity of a thunderstorm. That somehow you would be able to know his presence with you, even when he isn't answering your questions.
i'm a christian also suffering from depression and i know advice is everywhere and largely unhelpful but i got some good words recently. sometimes we have to fight our feelings with our actions. for me this often impossible because my brain chemistry doesn't let me, maybe that's for you too. but maybe maybe maybe you can make a list of things you are thankful for, or a list of ways depression can be a blessing. the truth, that we know, as believers, is that God loves us and blesses us and for some crazy reason, right now, he's doing that through depression. we probably don't feel that, but we KNOW that. it makes us more sensitive, gives us an ability to help others who are suffering whereas someone who hasn't struggled with depression maybe couldn't. sorry, i don't mean to make your list for you, or write you a book, but it could help.
thankfulness can be such a good antidote for our sorrow.
I feel very much the same way you do.
Oh Ian....How "We" wish that we could just hold you while you weep, lend you a shoulder, or just be there to listen. But brother, you sure do not travel this path alone.
Sometimes we may hear the singing with our ears, but we sure do feel it in our hearts.
You and Wendy are in our hearts and prayers, daily.
we love you too Laurie.
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