Friday, December 17, 2010

how am i?

i felt better today. my naturopath expects that i'll go back to work on Monday but part of me isn't so sure. the hardest part of my day has been the last 2 hours since i'm all alone and my anxiety of late is centered around the idea that i don't want to be alone. i keep thinking, "you just have to make to 9 am tomorrow when you pick up Wendy". i'm hoping buddy Bob gives me a call when he's done work. one problem there is the fact that i have not been sleeping well all week long. i was given a naturopathic med to help me sleep and it's like my brain is fully awake but i've thrown a veil over my head so that i look at everything through a cloud.

i've had medical appts galore this week. i feel like i've processed so very much and yet i find myself back in some of the same fearful spots that i've been in all week long. that's what happens when i "what if" too much. i am competent, i am courageous, i am capable ... and yet i doubt those things at every turn.

i don't like to hear "how are you?" lately. it's because i don't really want to lie and i have to figure out if you really want to hear how i am. sometimes i've just said, "i've been better" or "not so good" and kept walking but that's not all that good of an approach to people you like and respect.

Wendy is still in the hospital and it has been very difficult for her. i have been a bit of a basketcase (actually more than a bit) and that certainly hasn't helped Wendy in her situation. i'm trying to be active, to do more, because that is what i believe is the path for me to get out of the funk. it certainly wouldn't hurt if Wendy doesnt have to worry about such things and that's more reason for me to be doing them.

this has helped me a little to write this down.

blessings on my love. give her peace, hope and strength.
blessings on the S's as they travel to their holiday destination.
blessings on family who are trying hard to be supportive.
blessings on my church community who have been very willing to help me out of my dark hole.
blessings on me because i need it.
blessings on you dear friend.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

blessings on you indeed. and continued prayers.

and a knowing, nodding smile of recognition at trying to find the words to answer the "how are you?" question.

if you'll pardon a bit of profanity (just, you know, don't approve the comment if you like :) ), I'll share the answer I use, one someone taught me years ago, that still always makes me chuckle with the secret truth of it.

I say that I'm F.I.N.E.

Stands for F%&@$d up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.