Tuesday, December 14, 2010

i have an anxiety disorder and it has been absolutely ablaze for the last 36 hours. i haven't had such dark thoughts as to scare me this much in many years. last night i had to have my friend Roger stay at our house so that i wasnt alone (Wendy's still getting treatment in the hospital). seriously dark thoughts about my own death and the meaningless of my life right now. my life does have meaning, i just can't see it now.
this is not a suicide note. i just need to get some of this dark out.
i'm asking all sorts of questions, of God, of me. i have a message left for my counselor through work and i very much need to go see him today. i plan on trying to contact my doctor and i already have an appt with the naturopath today.
i'm thankful for friends who care, a wife who tells me she loves me and for ways to express myself.
i slept fitfully the last 2 nights, my dreams are disturbed and i've thought more than once that i'm on the verge of a complete breakdown.
it seems to help somewhat to be doing something but there's also a severe motivation problem right now.

5 comments:

Lisa said...

holding you in prayer today. may you know peace, and may there be relief from seemingly relentless darkness.

tmamone said...

I know what you mean. I've been a dark place for the past couple of weeks. *hugs* It'll get better.

dave said...

will pray!

Thanks for letting us know..

Lisa said...

I read this passage from Richard Rohr's email devotional this morning, Ian, and thought of you. Praying today that you will be given the strength to wait in hope amidst darkness.

~~~

Our Christian wisdom is to name the darkness as darkness, and the Light as light, and to learn how to live and work in the Light so that the darkness does not overcome us.

If we have a pie-in-the-sky, everything-is-beautiful attitude, we are in fact going to be trapped by the darkness because we are not seeing clearly enough to separate the wheat from the chaff. Conversely, if we can only see the darkness and forget the more foundational Light, we will be destroyed by our own negativity and fanaticism, or we will naively think we are apart from the darkness.

Instead, we must wait and work with hope inside of the darkness—while never doubting the Light that God always is—and that we are too (Matthew 5:14). That is the narrow birth canal of God into the world—through the darkness and into an ever greater Light.
(Adapted from Preparing for Christmas with Richard Rohr, pp. 23-24)

Lutestring said...

just said a prayer