45

i'm 45 today.

the last year has been more than a little bit difficult. i never thought that i would be the victim of a mid-age crisis but essentially that has been my lot over the last year. i haven't been longing after Ferraris, gold chains and silk shirts unbuttoned to my navel but i have very much struggled with a lot of self worth feelings over the last year. i have regularly looked in the mirror and wondered if i still had any game, if i was appreciated, if i was doing a good job with what i've been given and if i'd ever be able to elicit a two syllable da-amn whenever i came on the scene. i've wondered what the next 20 years held in store and also what the next 6 months had in store. it hasn't helped that i've struggled with an anxiety disorder for most of the last year while Wendy has struggled with all sorts of health stuff over the same period. it also hasn't helped that my joints get creakier and creakier as the days go on. the wisdom of my hair follicles becomes my best selling point whenever i get tested against the speed and power of a younger person's skills; it used to be that my own speed and power were my best selling points.

i am loved, i know that but i still need to hear that. i need to hear about how the world around those that are closest and dearest to me is devastated whenever i'm not there. i need to be wanted even if its only to stand there and be seen as integral.

is that ... selfish? self-absorbed? needy?

it probably is.

i still need it though.

its a damn shame that a compliment given and an encouragement with a touch of the hand is seen as a rarity that would only embarrass the other. i suspect that we're all sitting in a lonely circle of one. the unsaid things are not said because we do not wish to offend and so we remain silent because we think that a risk may damage a friendship and status quo is better than a loss. status quo may really be better than a loss but kind words and a friendly touch shouldn't create a loss ... ever.

i'm trying to lay myself bare a little bit. i want to be more honest and to live more honestly and part of that involves the expression of need.

so ... 45 years ago today i started screaming in need in this world and i still have need i suppose.

still, i am loved. i do love you too. i should say that more because i want to hear that more. i do love you.

we each bring our own light into the circle. you're a bright light to me, whoever you are. shine for me and i'll bask in glory for a bit. i appreciate bright lights who sometimes stand alone and say, "this is who i am, deal with it." i guess i just like bright lights and shiny things.

i do love you. laugh with me. cry with me. shine for me. because its my birthday.

i'm 45 today.