sorry about my language

i was in a truly pissy mood yesterday. i was just angry about apparent rude behaviour of others and i was offended whenever i had to go through channels at work to accomplish what i could do on my own but was required to get approval for.

we had a staff meeting yesterday where i was one of 3 trainers trying to explain what and how to accomplish something that people will need to know how to do. we got to the "Any questions?" section at the end and there were a couple questions but all of a sudden the room exploded in all sorts of cross-talk amongst themselves. i just sat there thinking that i had already been through all of this training myself but i couldn't afford to chat with my neighbour while there were still questions to be addressed. i actually couldn't hear the questions that people had or the responses from my fellow trainers because there were 10 other conversations going on at the same time. it was thoroughly rude behaviour and i thought, "what is this, grade 9 homeroom that we need to discuss our lives instead of talking about how to get our job done properly? we're still at work right?" i actually had to yell in the room "QUIET PLEASE" so that we could hear the questions that were being asked. these are adults we're talking about, not 12 yr olds.

that just pushed me down a pissy road.

i'm angry about something else though. i'm stressed and angry at God because Wendy has to go back in the hospital. i've known about this for some significant time now but as we get to crunch time my anger comes to the foreground. i know that we're good people, that Wendy's good people, and yet we have all this shit to wade through. the air around us both is blue based on the fact there are occasions that one or both of us are swearing like truckers as we try to get a handle on the stress and other shit to deal with.

i'm not a swearer. really, i'm an exceptionally good lad. i've also sworn more in the last year than i remember swearing in the previous 43, i mean total. i'm just angry about it.

last night my wife took out some tuna and then started to cry after she opened it because Maddie (that would be our dog) used to love to eat the oil and water left behind. i just hugged Wendy tight because i'm also angry about losing Maddie still.

i called someone in my church community last night to explain why i wouldn't be showing up for one of our meetings last night. i explained to her that i'm just in a pissy mood and i'm coming down with a cold. i also said that i suppose Wendy might be able to convince to go to the meeting but left to my own devices there was no way that i was showing up. when i said to Wendy that i wasn't going to the meeting she didn't even try to convince me otherwise. it's undoubtedly true that if i am tired she's just plain exhausted.

i ate, watched a little tv with Wendy, did the dishes and went to bed last night.

i've been thinking that i should return to the counselor i saw last year. i'm not an angry man, i'm not impatient, i'm not frustrated ... normally. today and lately that's exactly what i've been.

how long oh Lord? how long?