... sitting in the dark ... in silence

sitting with writer's block trying to figure out why it is that i get so preoccupied with my fears and anxieties. just when i figured i had cleared an emotional hurdle and was ok with it then i end up right back in the same place having to answer the same emotional questions about why i feel what i feel or don't feel what i should feel. i sit here on my lunch break and try to sort what is either anxiety that i carry around in my chest or is it indigestion from the turkey sandwich i just scarfed down.
the chapter from McLaren's "A New Kind of Christianity" that we discussed last night had to do with "what do we do now that we've asked all these questions of ourselves and our journey?" and for me the chapter boiled down to "Include and Transcend". i have had a long journey over the last couple years that has tried to be inclusive and tried to rise above a simple reading of my life and faith. i've struggled to know what it means to include but i've tried to be merciful and i've tried to preach the beauties of mercy and justice around me. transcending has been harder for me. i don't move easily. i don't change easily. i also don't wait nicely. it is insanely hard for me to sit and trust and wait for an answer. sitting in the dark, in silence has not been a pretty experience for me.
God, do you hear me? am i alone here? will my fears swallow me up? will this garden burst forth or will i sit in the wilderness longer? will i continue to sit here in the dark? is there a crack of light anywhere?
this is Holy Week but for me the last season has been one long night before Easter morning. at least i'm hoping that Easter morning is close by. i can't be sure. i long for resurrection. i'm crying out for new birth ... i just wonder if i still want it on my own terms or not. but God doesn't work that way, does he? i couldn't dream up the good things that he promises are there.
someone send some hope my way. bring a light and sit with me awhile ... til the morning comes. you don't need to say much, or anything actually. just sit and let's share the light.

sometimes i just need to write stuff down and get it out of my soul. some things just feel like poison inside me and i need to burst my soul open so that i can bleed out the pain.
pray for me. it's dark outside and i have a long way to go yet.

Lord have mercy.