complete lack of invincibility

remember when you were young and invincible? there was a time when i figured i could do anything and come out of it completely unharmed. i took some crazy chances in my own time, tell the truth, so did you. i suppose there still remains a foolish element in me, a guy who inexplicably does or at least considers something stupid just to see if he could get away with it. part of the reason why i'm still involved with competitive sports at my masters category age is because i still want to test myself and to be willing to prove that i'm not a worn out husk of a man. i guess it could be considered stupid to get behind the plate with a pitcher throwing in the 80 kph range with movement that breaks the plain or could break your arm; or it might even be stupider to get between two 300 lb linemen intent on ripping each other's arms off and beating the other guy about the head but i really do get a nice little endorphin rush out of it.

i've been having dizzy spells this week. i had 3 significant ones on Monday so that i went to the clinic about it. the doc there didn't know me but when i mentioned that my mother had a particular inner ear disease then she immediately latched on to the idea that i must have it too (although she never actually said it) and she prescribed a medication for treating that very disease. i'm loathe to take any medication whatsoever and it scares me a little that this is the place that she went to after just having met me. now another thing happened with her too, i mentioned some chest tightness to her when she asked when was the last time i had my blood pressure checked and she immediately put me in for an EKG which turned out to be completely normal so at least i know that my ticker is completely ok. i'm still perplexed about the prescription for a medication given when the only evidence was a little history, some dizziness and a little too much wax in my ears.

i discussed the whole thing with my dear one and she suggested that perhaps i should just go see our chiropractor to check out where my system was presently. i like our chiro a good bunch and he knows me very well so i thought this was a brilliant suggestion. it turns out it had been 2 yrs since i'd gone for an adjustment and he quickly found some serious out of whack parts in my system. my tibia, my pelvis, and several maladjustments in my neck were throwing my whole system out of whack. i had the system start to clean out and then i returned the next day for more cleaning out. i was actually feeling pretty good so that i went to work a baseball exhibition for men who get to throwing pretty hard. it was uneventful.

this morning i woke to more dizzy spells. i've been fine since i first woke up and even managed to bike to work with no problems but its still a bit worrisome. its a stressful time of life. Wendy has surgery next week and that's always in the foreground as we try to figure out what that will mean for the rest of our life together. it's that significant. as this is happening i try to work on my own issues and ambitions and try to get a grip on the sorts of changes i need to make or want to make for me and for us. i'm trying to stay busy, to rely on my community for the help that we're going to need.

and it was suggested in our seed group last night that we go read this post to see how it can affect you. it's a blog of a Vancouver man who has been tracing his battle with cancer and the end of his battle. his final post was pre-written by him and posted by his friends and family detailing the end of his battle.

life is fragile. i am fragile. i have a complete lack of invincibility as i look at life and plans and how things are or should be. the things of life are the things that i need to be pursuing. music, art, love, relationships, helping others along the path of this struggle, pulling people from a continual social sausage grinder, and various other challenges. yes, life is fragile but i can't hide from it. i have to adapt, i have to grow, to do otherwise is a greater sin.

i have loved you. i have loved you. i have loved you.

i'm struck by that.

yes, i'm fragile. i'm getting older and creakier ... but i will not be held back by that. i'm getting up and going after it. i'm not invincible but i'm not cowering either.