expressing need

i'm a pauper in this area. often i don't say what i need because i'm afraid of what the hearer may think of me. i then choose asceticism and i get chained up in rules about things i don't have and on some level i believe i don't deserve. i think of the man that i am in light of expectation of what my parents pushed at me.
let me be honest about that ... Mom and Dad ... i am not the man that you expected i would be. i'm not a tea-todler (not sure how you spell that), although i do enjoy tea ... but i also enjoy beer, much more than tea actually. i swear when i'm angry and i've been angry a lot over the last year. i'm spiritually weak sometimes but i'm also completely ok with concepts like doubt in that area too. there are some basic spiritual tenets that i no longer hold to, and i'm fine with the idea that the cut and dry pat answer does absolutely nothing for me anymore.
i'm tired of behaving a certain way because i don't want someone to think less of me. i won't keep up masks the same way, in fact i don't want to keep up masks at all. i will believe, but i will decide what and how i believe. if it stings that i don't follow the rules of what a good Christian lad should be doing then i guess i won't be a good Christian lad. those are rules that i don't want part of anymore.
i will choose how i will be. i will try to express what i need more and i will try not to worry about what other's think of that need. i do deserve to have my needs met ... and i deserve the chance to meet needs too. it should be an expectation shouldn't it?

i deserve love. i deserve happiness. i deserve to choose my path. the Spirit helps me decide what the rules are, just like she helps you decide these things too. the field is wide open, i am not an amoral man and i can determine what i need.

i deserve to have my needs met. so do you.