i sat down for coffee with a friend who has been down similar paths as me, and we discussed our struggles as they have related to one another. we both have had spouses who have fought hard against physical, mental and emotional ailments and we talked about how that affected each of our own physical, mental and emotional makeup. i didn't know why God had led me to talk to G but it was an overwhelming feeling that i needed to talk to him. we barely knew each other so it wasn't an easy thing for me to approach him about it. we sat in a coffee house drinking decaf Americano's while i tried to express what was on my heart.
G is a songwriter and he has the heart of a poet. i am a dreamer who longs to be poetic but finds it hard to find words to the emotion that flows easily from me of late.
he said "I've given up worrying about happiness" and it floored me a little. he was saying that the meaning of it all is found in the struggle together. life is hard and it'll kick you in teeth sometimes but the meaning, the fulfillment, the joy and most of all the hope of life can be found as we struggle to find God in our relationships.
i have most definitely struggled of late but i have also seen some small rays of hope. to be honest even the arrival of hope scared me this week because i've been sitting in the dark so long now that the presence of light caused me to ask what this would mean for my life. i couldn't believe that i was seeing sights of things that i have longed for, prayed for and screamed at God for but i feared that i might actually get what i was looking for. the anxiety from this week was been pretty bad but in a weird way because i had an indication that things may go in a GOOD direction for my life.
i've doubted if my faith was strong enough to carry me. i've doubted if i wanted to be in this place or if i wanted to go the direction i have been saying i want to go. i've feared, even mourned those paths that i could've gone on and if hope blossoms then i can't believe that i've actually feared and mourned that i won't be able to go the directions that i didn't want to go.
i still don't know how to cross the mountains ahead. i still don't know how to address those things that must be addressed. i'm trying to address my own stuff and work on that.
and i'm finding meaning in the struggle.