Sunday, July 5, 2009

i hate the hospital

my wife struggles regularly, mightily with migraines. there are days that are much worse than others and she's hyper-vigilant to know when those days are. this weekend has preceded an epic battle for her with the mother of all migraines. she woke me after a sleepless night to say "Ian, you better take me to the hospital."
i've taken Wendy to the hospital before, it always breaks me apart. it used to be that she'd worry about me sitting there with her, stewing in my own worry and she would just send me to wallow at home until she called, but now i just think she realizes that i'm worrying at home alone and she just lets me stew beside her through the experience. there have been times that i've worried for her life but most of the time it's been just hard to see her in pain. i do what i can to take my mind off of it; i read the paper, do the Sodoku, fail miserably at the Crossword, read the Sports page again and dissect the boxscore, and sit and do nothing but think too much and pray too little.
my prayer in those moments is ... how long, oh Lord? it's not an easy struggle as you listen to some guy behind some curtain wretch his way through the day after a night of too much of some substance. normally Wendy, who understands her situation much better than the doctor, asks for a certain iv steroid and that helps. it didn't help much this time so she endured the pain as they slowly got another iv ready for their 2nd attempt. the 2nd attempt only helped ... about 20%. the 3rd attempt (after 6 hours) brought some relief and by about 8 hours we were home.
Wendy thanks me for my patience through this and my reaction is, no thanks are necessary, i just want to help you somehow. normally the only way i can help is just to be there and to pray, so that is what i try to do. but the question still lingers, how long oh Lord?
i did a homily in our church community a couple months ago, it was based on the story of the paralytic and his 4 friends who tore open a roof so they could lower their friend before Jesus. i called it "The faith of a few close friends". i believe. i know that Jesus can help her and i know that i ask for it. i also know i'm not alone in asking for it, but the question still hovers in my mind, how long oh Lord? what value is there in this journey? i suppose it makes me more attentive to my wife's needs, and i do need to be more attentive, so perhaps that's the cutting edge for me. mold me Lord. i want to be a better husband. i want to reach more folks and i want to start with the person who means the most to me.
i love you Wendy. i still believe and i'm still praying. bless you my wife, my dearest.


Stainers said...

Being married to someone who struggles with chronic pain on a daily basis I can empathise with where you're coming from Ian.

I think you and I would get along well.

shallowfrozenwater said...

i've known for some time now that we'd "click" if we got to hang out together Joel. thank you for empathising and for reading. you may be the only one reading, at least you seem to be the only one commenting anymore.