Wendy has been going through some really hard shit of late. i spend my days of late worrying while trying to work. Wendy's health has been an issue for all of her adult life, well actually her childhood needs to be included in that too. we have been VERY blessed in that my health has been very good so that for the most part i've been able to work and bring home enough to keep us afloat, that isn't a concern really. the concern has been just how frustrating life has been for the one i love. she had a great job that she loved, she was fulfilled and basically happy ... and then her health hits her with a sucker punch that floors her. she hasn't worked since Christmas and it tears her apart that she can't take part in something that has given her life.
we've tried to find other ways to get some life. we play our guitars together, that is a blessing beyond what i can express; we play games, we go for a bike ride, i read to her in bed. i want to thank God for the blessings that she gives to me, i really do love her. the mood stuff that we both struggle with gets in the way as we both ask the questions about where God is and what He is doing within this mess.
there are times that i don't want to keep slugging at this. there was a time that i was in the middle of a deep depression and i tell the story of how i took everything that was my faith and threw it on the floor so that i could decide what i wanted to pick up again. a part of me didn't want to pick up any of it again but ... i did pick some of it up again.
i still believe. i hope. my prayers still rise, even amidst this desert of answers to my questions.
enter Lisa. i found her blog linked on another blog i've been following and i related to some of her struggle. now her words are encouraging me to keep praying, keep hoping, keep believing. she recently quoted a tune i've never heard or heard of but it still spoke to me.
I can't feel You like others around me
I don't feel like kneeling or closing my eyes
Is there something wrong with my heart that I can't see?
Or do You feel love still when nobody cries?
'Cause I know in my heart how bad I want to touch You
You must sense this love my soul barely contains
No lack of desire in this desert to worship
I keep singing skyward it just never rains
So I'll praise You if I never feel You
And I'll love You cause I know You're there
And if You should choose I'm sure one day I'll feel it
But feeling good's never the reason I cared.
i keep hearing the echo of "no lack of desire in this desert to worship, I keep singing skyward, it just never rains". i commented on her blog thanking her for her words and she replied by quoting Psalm 141, "the prayers rise like incense, a pleasing aroma before the throne". it made me weepy sitting in my little cubicle on my lunch break.
how long oh Lord? how long? i'm hoping that questioning prayers still have a pleasing aroma before the throne. even in my desert, i still pray for cleansing, healing rain.