Tuesday, July 28, 2009

i want to be a hero

i don't know if i can express this well enough ... but i've always wanted to be a hero. i want to save a life, be the knight in shining armour, the cavalry to the rescue, ... i wanted to be Superman.
i'm not. i don't have the jam. it's not like i freeze under pressure, in fact i react just fine under pressure but i'm talking about something bigger.
i'm married to a wonderful and strong woman. she knows what she wants and she's determined that she can get what she needs. it gets to a point sometimes that i question what it is that i'm about to get for her since i want to be sure that it is something that she actually wants. so i can get a bit gunshy sometimes.
she and i have a general rule that if the other is having a bad dream, you wake the person up so that they don't have to live in the little hell that they're surrounded by. she's done this for me in the past but seldom do i recall having to wake her in the midst of a bad dream.
last night in the middle of the night i was woken in the dead of night at 330 by a cry for help. my thoughts were, was that Wendy? did i just hear what i thought i heard? does she need me? i wasn't sure. Wendy was beside me and she seemed, ok. do i wake my wife who has horrid troubles sleeping, out of the dead of sleep because i thought i might've heard her call me for help? if she's struggling in her dreaming then i don't want her trapped in some hellish place of her own making. what do i do?
some seconds later she began to groan and squirm and i knew that i HAD heard her call for help, so i woke her. the problem was in how long it took me to decide if she needed my help or not. i don't want to be a contributing factor to leaving her stranded in her own pain so i need to jump in but i also don't want to wake her when she's found some relief in sleep if it turns out that i'm wrong about what she needs.
so you see? i want to be a hero and i'm also gunshy about helping when it might just turn around and bite us both in the butt.

i don't know if you listened to that tune to the end but if i can take some snippets for you.

hero. it's a nice boy notion that the real world's gonna destroy. you know, it's a Marvel comic book, saturday matinee, fairy tale boy.
growing older you find, that illusions are bought, and the idol you thought you'd be, was just another zero.
i wanna be a hero.

as the house fell asleep, through a book i was lead to a life that i never knew.
I wanna be your hero.
and it spoke to my heart, from the moment i prayed. here's a pattern i made for you.
I wanna be your hero.
I wanna be your hero.
I wanna be your hero.

after i woke Wendy she told me she loved me and she managed to go back to sleep. i tossed and turned, dozed and prayed and wept because i wanna be a hero and i just won't ever measure up.
i have a hero though. i have a hero.

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